Friend just lost her 16 year old ds

[Poppyella]

Hi

A friend from work lost her 16 year old ds last week. He was standing next to his moped, which he had had for only 10 days, when a drunk driver drove into him and he died at the scene.

We both work really part time and don't really see each other much, although did go out for lunch together a couple of months ago during a study day we happened to be on together. Before we had kids, a group of us went away together, we did nights out and she was my manager at work. I don't phone or email her or go out socially now but we are still friendly when we see each other.

But I can't bear this. I think about her constantly. I want to see her. I want to give her a hug. I want to cry with her and tell her how sorry I am. I cannot stop thinking about what she must be going through and the events that she has experienced over the last 10 days. Every teenage boy I see, I think of her ds, how he should be enjoying the sunshine and hanging out with his mates.

But my question is this. How appropriate do you think it is for me to contact her and ask to see her? She has her family, her close friends and those whom she see's much more than me. Do you think she would think 'why is ..... only contacting me now, but didn't before'? I never even me her ds. Do you think I should wait a while, perhaps after the funeral.

I have signed the card for her at work and was the only one to mention her son's name. I said how handsome he is. (there is a photo of him up at work). But I feel I want to say so much more.

Please let me know what you think. This is the first time any friend of mine has lost a child, I am not that experienced with death (thankfully).

x

I think sending a card, maybe even telephoning, would be fine. But as for going to see her etc, it depends how close a friend you are.

Tbh, if you are asking if you should go, then you probably shouldn't. Only you know if she would be touched, pleased or a bit "what is this person who I only know to speak to in the loos at work doing here?" (IYKWIM?)

It is a terrible shock when something like this happens to someone we know (allbeit through work or whatever) and we can sometimes feel more involved than we really are.

Your OP doesn't indicate how close you are, so forgive me if I'm speaking out of turn....

I'd say a card and maybe a text saying how sorry you are, and maybe a call after the funeral?

Why not send a card with your contact details in and say you are there if and when she needs you??

Poppyella - my uncle was 19 when he died in a motorbike accident. This was 37 years ago (before I was even born).
To this day my mum and my grandma remember ,with great affection and appreciation, one man.
The day my uncle was killed, the news went around the village where they lived. Many of the inhabitants were related distantly in one way or another to my grandma (lots and lots of cousins) and they had all lived there all their lives. Nobody came up to see the family - they all apparently thought it was better to leave them alone. The only person who came that day was a man who was a friend of my uncle. He was the only black resident of the village, a total outsider and newcomer, and he came up, sat with Grandma and said exactly how he felt. It meant a lot and it still does. In the following months only another two of my uncle's friends got in touch. One has visited my grandma and grandad (until his death) periodically ever since, involving them in his life, bringing his wife and children to see them. The other friend ended up marrying my mum and becoming my dad . It matters that you get in touch. Don't be afraid of what is suitable. If they don't want you that will become clear but nobody wants to talk about the dead and nobody wants to talk about dead children in particular and that makes the bereaved very, very lonely. Get in touch - you could make a difference and you can't make things any worse.

Please send a card with your contact info.

In the immediate aftermath people get to the point where they just dont want the phone or the doorbell to ring anymore. The family need to grieve and be given some space.

Equally though they need to know that people are there and thinking about them. Too often people dont know what to say so dont say anything.

Alot of your post concentrates on what you want to do for yourself, I dont mean that to sound harsh, but this isnt about your feelings. You need to deal with those whilst recognising that you have to do what is best for your colleague.

unfortunately I have seen too many people lose loved ones and you really do have to put your feelings and "wants" to one side and concentrate on what is right for your colleague.

an email can sometimes be good, as your friend can reply if and when she feels up to it

I think you should go and see her but not now - after the funeral when things are harder for the bereaved. I'm sure you will be able to tell if she doesn't really want visitors and can make your excuses and leave. It is hard I know.

Sorry I posted my msg twice, I don't know how.

BBM, you're right, and I have just had a chat with another friend (also a colleague) who also said that some of what I want to do is for myself and not her. I don't mean that to happen and feel bad that this is how it comes across. And bucharest, you are right, maybe it seems that I feel more involved than I really am.

I have decided to send a personal card, rather than just my signature on the work card, and include my contact details. I will also go and see her after a while because I don't want to intrude on her space right now, but equally want to be there if she needs to talk later on. I know from people at work that although she is a single parent (and had just regained custody of this ds - another story) she has a house overflowing with flowers and cards and is never alone and has much support from friends and family so she is not lonely right now.

Thanks for your thoughts

x

Not sure what the done thing is in the UK, but over here in the States everybody brings a meal that can be easily heated, say a stew, or a meatloaf, lasagne etc. anything that can be bunged in the freezer, thawed then served when the mother is too distraught, shattered, depressed or just not feeling hungry, but needs to eat. If you make something, make sure to put heating directions on a label on it so they know what to do. I know in England there is a huge range of scrummy ready meals, but sometimes a home-cooked meal is just more comforting and I think it is a nice way for those who aren't necessarily directly involved in the tragedy to still show they care.