I feel so bitter..............

[BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack]

I lost my mum to lung cancer 8 months ago now and I am feeling so bitter about it...a horrid horrid feeling!!!

She was the most lovely, gorgeous, wonderful person ever, so selfless and always putting people before herself, she never made a fuss, not even when she was dying. When we were kids our childhood revolved around her being a founder member of a local hospice, her and 3 other ladies started the whole thing off and now it has been going for years and is a massive hospice with a fantastic name. I feel bitter that she was taken from us in such an awful way, she didnt deserve it, I know no one does, but esp not my mum!!!

I feel bitter about people who still have their mums, I feel sad everytime I see a white haired lady walking about - why couldnt it be her still...how come they get to live longer than she did.........

On the outside I am doing so well, I dont really talk about her, I get on with my every day life and generally I am ok but then at night...I lie in bed, stare at the ceiling and cry, quietly of course so as to not wake DH and then pray that I will dream about her!!!

I didnt even see her all the time, she only lived in the UK again for about 6 months before she died (her and dad lived in Spain) but I spoke to her every day and I ache to speak to her still.

I know people have it worse and I feel I shouldnt be so sad over my 72 year old woman........one of my friend lost her DH a week after he turned 40 to lung cancer..........my mum had 72 good years (well, about 68 good years as she was ill with various things for the last few years of her life - another thing I feel bitter about) but it doesnt hurt any less......I try not to think too much or it drives me mad but if I live to be say 85, that means I would have had 46 years without her, longer than I had her for......how can that be???

I feel like I am going mad - shouldnt it be getting easier by now. Bitter and cheated is how I am feeling. I am sure this is normal but still........:(

Dont feel you have to reply, just felt like rambling! xx

So sorry for your loss.

It might be worth contacting the hospice to see if they have a counsellor there you can speak to. We were offered support from one recently, and they were really nice about following up.

I think rambling is probably necessary, and important! Ramble and rant away.

I lost a friend to cancer 10 yrs ago and I still feel bitter . I look at people I know who waste their lives and want to shake them so hard.

I'm so sorry for your loss - bitterness and anger is part of the grieving process sadly and it can come and bite you at the most unexpectedmoments.

Thanks guys!! I think I am just feeling sorry for myself today - need to snap out of it.

Knitting - so true about it biting at unexpecting moments...I was in a Zumba class a few weeks ago and there was an older lady there who reminded me of her...I spend the warm up blubbing but dont think anyone noticed!

Betty I know just how you feel I felt like this after my DH died from cancer,I think it must be one of the stages we go through.I would see people we met at the chema clinic and be angry they were still alive(really awful thoughts,I know)Iam not really religious but some one told me "God does'nt let you come home till your work is done"and that for whatever reason helped me.Now I can feel happy for someone who is a surviver.

Another thing was I was angry at all the alkies and junkies still walking around when a good man had gone.

Hi Betty. So sorry you're going through this.

I lost my mum in an accident over 10 years ago now. I don't feel bitter any more but I can remember every feeling you describe- especially in the first year after her death.

One thing you said that really resonates with me is the thought of how many years of living you now face without her. That one still gets to me actually. I was 26 when mum died. I could live into my 90's (both my grandmothers did) and that's a long time. I don't want to get too used to life without her iyswim? Coming up to the 10 year mark was hard for the same reason - I didn't want the double figures. I didn't want it to be a whole decade since I last saw / spoke to my mum. But the decade came and went - she doesn't feel any further away. In fact, I constantly feel like she's just around the corner, just out of sight but not far away. I don't really think about the afterlife, that's not quite what I mean, but she is a part of me and therefore is always with me. Hope that makes sense.

I can think about her and talk about her now without pain and bitterness. It does fade.

Your mum sounds wonderful.

Have an un-mumsnetty hug.

Thanks lily and vision

Lily - sorry about your DH, can't even begin to imagine what you are going through.

Vision - I know - I dont want to have not seen her for 50 years.

Another thing (silly thing) I feel sad about is how easy it is to erase someone...she died on the monday and I think by the Thursday my dad had erased her from things like bank.shares.etc etc - his way of coping I suppose.....her clothes were taken to the charity shop and now he is panicing about her jewelry and getting me and my sis to take it....72 years old and gone!!

Yes my mum was wonderful and I will remember her and love her always ..but hopefully remember her with a smile and a laugh and not with a tear.

Thanks guys - love to you all xx

and vision - so sorry to hear about the loss of your mum too!!!

Sorry for your loss.
Bitter is all part of grieving, when something happens outside of our control we do the what ifs, I think this is because we think if we did something different then the outcome will be different somehow.
It takes a while to accept it all and there are often reminders that we're unprepared for.
It is what it is, it feels like it feels,it will take as long as it takes, there are no right or wrong ways to grieve and no shortcuts either, be kind to yourself you will get to a place where the memories make you smile instead of cry.

Sorry for your loss. I lost my dad last Aug and still feel really resentful of people who have both parents. I was up until fairly recently cross with him for dying. Stupid emotion as he obviously didn't choose that but how I felt.

It's all part of grieving. Do you have people who you can talk to about your feelings?