Do you take children to hospital to see a dying relative?

[susanmt]

My dh's Grandma is dying. It is just old age - she's 91, went into hospital with a chest infection, got another, and another, has stopped eating and is just gently slipping away. She said yesterday that she doesn't want to be tube fed, so it is just a matter of keeping her comfortable. We live in Scotland and his family are in Belfast, but we have managed to book flights to go over for the weekend next weekend to see her (and, mainly, to give MIL a bit of support as she is an only child and divorced so doing it all on her own).
We're not sure whether or not the take the children in. Dd is 3.5 and ds is 1.5, and they are good kids, but I'm not sure how they would take it. I suppose ds wouldn't notice but I know dd will be upset - she is fond of Grandma and going through a sensitive phase to do with death and illness at the moment - asking lots of questions about it and getting upset easily (guinea pig died this week and she cried all day, on and off).
I think my gut feeling is to take her to visit, but I don't know. Has anyone been through this? What did you do? Thanks a lot.

Susan, my instinct would be to take her too, but I wonder how Grandma looks - if she has been quite ill for quite a long time, and doesn't look how she used to, might that be a bit frightening?

I haven't been through this - my nearest experience was when I was going to visit an elderly aunt, dying of bowel cancer, when my DDs were about 8 and 5 - she lived in London and we were visiting a friend there and had made arrangements beforehand to go to see her, but before the date she rang my dad and asked him to tell us not to come - partly because she felt very poorly but also partly because she thought she looked awful too and didn't want the girls to see her. She died 2 or 3 days later.

I don't know whether you think your DD is old enough to talk to about it and decide for herself whether to remember Grandma as she used to be instead of seeing her so ill?

Sorry - not much help. Hugs to you all anyway - such a difficult time.

I'd take them in I think. Even if it's just for a kiss and a wave. I took DSs (4 and 2) in to see my 95 y.o. grandmother when she was in hospital earlier this year. We weren't sure if she'd survive the pneumonia (she did). DSs just went into the room, said hello and waved and then my dad took them out for a walk round the hospital. They came back and said goodbye later.

I wouldn't take them - they are too young and would not understand. I remember being taken to see my dying grandmother - I was 12 and it really upset me to see her as she did not look like the grandmother I knew. I don't think they wouldreally benefit from this visit

I wouldn't take them - they are too young and would not understand. I remember being taken to see my dying grandmother - I was 12 and it really upset me to see her as she did not look like the grandmother I knew. I don't think they wouldreally benefit from this visit

I think I would take them. Mainly because I think it will mean so much to the Grandma . Even though she may not around too much longer grandchilren are so special and i think it would be lovely for her to see them.

part of it, I suppose, is how you explain it to DD to prepare her for what she might see - which I realise is very difficult. Agree with Soupdragon just to make it a quick hello and wave rather than a protracted sitting by the bed saying goodbye.

I still remember being taken to see my dying grandmother, in her 80s, aged 10 and it did scare me. I remember recoiling as I entered the room. I'm now glad I did see her that one last time but I think you need to be aware that if she is hooked up to tubes etc that makes it more frightening. I was old enough to have other memories of her which outweighed the image of that gaunt, grey woman struggling to hold on. If she looks as they would otherwise remember her then it probably won't worry them unduly.

I'd take a recce on my own first of all, to see how Granny looks. If you think it's unscary then a brief visit is ok, I reckon. My children all went to see my dad a few days before he died but I wouldn't have taken then on the day he died as he looked pretty awful by then (he was also 91 and had pneumonia). He died five years ago tomorrow and I guess I'll never get rid of the picture I have in my head of him that day.

I think that I'd actually be more doubtful about taking an older child. The fact that littlies are young enough not to understand means they won't be scared and actually, they probably won't remember anyway.

It will be nice for your DHs grandma to see them one last time if she is conscious enough to know that they are there. I'd explain carefully to your DD that great-grandma is ill but not go into any details or bring up the fact that she is dying. If DD asks, then tell her but don't make a big thing of it.

My niece was upset at around 4 when my other grandmother died because she thought she'd done something wrong and grandma didn't want to see her any more. She hadn't been to see her so didn't understand that she was ill and didn't go to the funeral. I would imagine she remembers none of this now and forgot it quite quickly but it was rather upsetting at the time because she didn't understand. This made me certain that taking DSs to see my grandmother earlier this year was the right thing to do.

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Dh and I had a chat about it last night and I think we will take her in. Grandma isn't in any pain or distress, just lying in bed. I think that dd's imagination would be a lot worse than anything she could see in the hospital. I also know that Grandma would really appreciate seeing the children - although she is getting a little confused and disoriented, she asks MIL about them, and about how I am doing with my pregnancy, every single day, and has pictures of the children up by her bed. I think it will also help dd to come to terms with Grandma's death - if she can see how ill and frail she has become then hopefully she'll be more accepting of it when it happens.
She's been asking about Grandma - how she is, what's wrong, and last night she asked 'Is Grandma going to die?' I told her yes, because I don't want to lie to her, that Grandma is very old and when people get old their bodies stop working and they die. Dd just seemed to accept that and later on asked if Grandma would go to heaven, so we had a wee chat about that too, and the only comment she made this morning was 'lucky Grandma, she's going to heaven and I cant go there yet'.
Thanks for all your advice. It really does help just to toss ideas around.