grieving for a loss that was a long time ago

[madmouse]

not sure how much sense this will make but here goes - grateful for any thoughts.

I lost my Mum 13 years ago, December 1997. In my early 20s. Cancer, but an unexpected end. I was in shock for a bit then calm, gave the eulogy in a full crem, dry eyed. After that went back to normal as quickly as possible. I married 9 months later and took my MIL and best friend dress shopping, both of which expected me to go to pieces but I never did. This followed a pattern, when I was 15 I lost my friend and both grandmothers in the space of 3 months and that didn't affect me either.

The traumatic birth of ds (3) brought back terrifying memories of sexual abuse that I had carefully managed to keep out of reach for all that time. I went to bits, fell ill with PTSD and had lots of specialist therapy. Gradually I learned that my feelings and emotions had been frozen and that that is why I never felt things like other people did. And I started to defrost which is an experience that I will need to write a book about or something.

As a consequence I'm now thinking about her more than ever before. I miss her but feel I've lost her. I can remember my abuser's voice but not hers and that feels very wrong. She never met ds and that feels wrong too. I feel I never knew her and it's too late now. I have so much to ask her but never will. The few photos I have are one dimensional. My dad remarried years and years ago and has really moved on. My bro is younger, and troubled, and doesn't remember much.

My dear MIL died nearly 2 years ago and that is still raw, I have a darling friend who lost his dad 5 years ago and still grieves, and a close friend who lost her dad 4 years ago. I look at Dh and my friends grieving and feel like it's a different language, one I don't speak.

Anyone who understands? Any advice? sorry for long post x

I think your "freezing" of your emotions is very common and understandable - it's the best form of self-defence, really, isn't it? You can't deal with the shit you're being dealt, so you just don't think about it - until of course something happens and you have no choice.

And I do understand - I lost my mother to cancer when I was 16, and as I was sort of estranged from my father at the time I lived on my own from then on. And I went out, I partied, I got to university, I had a lot of fun - you never would have looked at me and thought I was grieving. I don't think it was until I became a mother myself that the enormity of what I'd lost hit me - I just went through life in a bubble. A bubble that ended with me getting pregnant at 20.

When my father died it was a much more "conventional" grief - probably a much healthier sort of grief. But really there's no right or wrong way, is there? When you go through any sort of trauma you just deal with it in the best way you can.

Thanks for your response and understanding Hassled. I guess I'm looking for some sort of closure if that exists. Think it's been triggered by a trip back to our home country last week and visiting MILs grave (we had not yet seen the stone in situ) - there is no grave for my mum, no memorial of any kind and I kind of wish there was now so I could do something tangible.