Ok I need some help - family bereavement and it is so very, very hard

[Northernlurker]

My bil died on Sunday. It was an expected death - lung cancer. He died at home with his wife - my sister and his daughters - grown up, from his first marriage.
It is just so hard. Far harder than I thought it would be and at the moment I cry nearly all the time. THere seems to be so much to make me cry. I am so sad for my sister, for the girls. My parents look drained - their hearts are breaking. My older dcs knew and loved bil and they are struggling. Dh is suffering too. It's just a big pile of grief and it seems overwhelming.
It's far worse than I thought it would be. Every morning I wake up and there is this big lump sitting on my chest. I don't know when that will ever go away. I live some distance for my sister but I went down to see her this week. Those two days - just the hardest, hardest thing I've ever done. I am exhausted. The funeral isn't until the end of next week and atm I'm not sure how to get through it. My heart is breaking for my sister and the girls - it really. really, really hurts. I didn't think it would hurt so much.
So I don't think there is much people can say but if anybody wants to say anything I would be grateful. Just typin it out as helped a bit but I've cried - of course. I cry all the time.

Northernlurker, I dont post very much on these forums but your message touched me hugely. I lost my mother on New Years Day after a very long an protracted battle with cancer. I am an only child and have no relationship with my father or other family - she was it for me. I felt (and still feel) like I've lost my North Star. However, I have some amazing friends who (fortunately or unfortunately) have some experience of grief and they kept telling me 'one day at a time' and 'it does get better, never goes away but does start to heal'. The funeral and clearing her belongings were, as you say, the hardest things ive ever had to do. But, my friends were right, it does get better...very slowly....and not in a straight line. Some days Im blindsided by grief and have no idea where its come from, others i can talk and laugh and remember .....so my advice, and i hope you dont think this is in any way cliched, is to stay strong. It REALLY does get better. Focus on all the good things in your life, never stop remembering or talking about that person and one day you will wake up and find the pain isnt so raw, more a dull ache. Sending you all the healing thoughts and hugs i can muster over cyber space xx

Oh thank you so much. That does help, that really does. That is what I'm thinking - I know there are no short cuts, just keep going but I like to read that works for other people. To lose your mum must be so awful. I'm so sorry for your loss. Have a hug back for your self and thank you.

Oh NoerthernLurker, i'm so sorry to hear about your BIL. How devastating for you all.

Please be gentle with yourself. Don't expect too much. You're hurting because your BIL died, but your also hurting because you can see how much your sister and neices are hurting, and it's awful when we have to watch people you love going throuh such pain, knowing that theres nothing you can do to ease it or take their pain away.

The funeral does seem like a long time away, but please remember everythhing is still so raw at the moment.

Take care of you x

My dad passed away at home with my mum and I in nov last year. It's hard and horrible and some days are far worse than others, I have now had a couple of days when I have mot cried at all, others it can be a number of times a day. I have noticed a few comments/stories about my dad are popping out innormal convo without upsetting me.

In the first two weeks i kept very busy organising the funneral and helping mum.

You will feel more useless than normal as you are far away.

I dont really know what advice to give tbh, just be there for her, give her the chance to talk if she wants to.

Thinking of you all x

So, so sorry for your loss NL.

Please keep taqlking about it here if that helps. We're all here to listen.

These early days after losing someone are like a black hole, they really are. As lk says though, it does get better with time. For now, you just have to keep on putting one foot in front of the other, getting through the days and offering as much practical and emotional support to your sister / DH / DC / parents as you can - and in turn taking support from them.

I think death is as much of a shock to relatives after a terminal illness as it is after an accident. You can't be prepared for grief. It is just horribly raw and painful, whatever the circumstances. Be very gentle with yourself. Don't expect to be superwoman.

I am sorry to hear of your loss. As lktoday5 says it does get better albeit very slowly at first. Anniversaries, Christmas, birthdays are very hard especially the first ones. You are mourning your loss now and the loss of what might have been. In years to come you will think back at first with grief, then sadness, then nostalgia. You may find that the funeral brings some kind of closure and gives you the opportunity to say goodbye, although funerals are always hard. Just take things a day at a time and be there for your sister as she needs you.

I am trying to be there for her. I am her big sister though and that means my default position is to 'fix' things. Can't fix this. I thought I was prepared. I was wrong.

Thank you all for your kind messages. It helps, it really helps.

NL, I always thought knowing meant you could be prepared, boy was I wrong.

No it turns out there is no preparing yourself for this.

Northern - so very sorry to hear about your BIL. No - you cannot prepare yourself for loss in any way.

A bereavement hurts mentally and physically. The few seconds when you wake up and you think its a dream and then the horrible realisation that it has actually happened.

Have you thought about writing to your sister? Texts and phone calls are great but for her to actually have a piece of paper that she can read a million times is so much better. Just write from your heart.....you really wont upset her - you may make her cry but she cant be hurt anymore than she already is.

xxx

That's not a bad idea Shabba thanks - might try that.

Letters really helped when I lost my father. All of them were kind and helpful, but the best ones were not the ones with the poems or wise words, they were the ones which really brought him back, that recalled stories, or just described his footsteps in hall and the way he called out when he came through the door in the evening.

That kind of letter can be cathartic to write.

I am sorry it hurts so much. Thinking of you Northern.

So sorry to here of your loss but all I can say from experience is that memories are always there and you learn to laugh again

I'm so sorry for your loss - Your post just made me cry.

The early days after losing someone are bewildering - don't have any expectations of yourself. Take each moment as it comes, step by slow step.

Allow yourself your own grief as well as that you feel for your sister and nieces and remember it does get easier, slowly the pain dissipates and you'll find yourself smiling at the memories rather than crying.

Look after yourself

Sorry to hear that your BIL Has died.
You say it was an expected death but that doesn't mean that it's not a terrible shock to all concerned.
Crying is ok, keep close to the family and let people support you however they can.
We found that our lives were taken over by cancer it seemed that somehow everything was being slowly taken over by the dreadful cancer and it took a while to be able to remember a time with DH BC( before cancer)
Nearly three years on now and the good memories outweigh the awfulness of it all for all of us. The children freely talk about their dad which is encouraged.
Thoughts are with you all.

Sorry Nancy - don't want to make other people cry as well. I'm doing it enough for all of us atm.

I keep doing a stupid thing. The announcements were in the paper yesterday and I keep looking at them. My parent's one overwhelms me. They said 'nothing is lost, only changed' and every time I read it I dissolve. This time last year we had no idea, no idea at all how much our world was about to change. nEven 6 months ago I was saying to dh how maybe we should have a new years eve party to mark getting rid of a terrible year because 2010 was fairly spectaclarly awful - then it got worse. Instead I spent new year in a state of dread.

Sorry OJ x posted. Yes that's exactly it - everything has been taken over by this. It's so exhausting.

I think cancer can be hugely disempowering, for everyone, because it matters not what you do in a terminal situation you can't no matter how hard you try, how hard you bargain with yourself and the cancer. The outcome is the same.
I found I did a lot of " what ifs" I needed to do that to be certain that I had done everything possible only then was I able to find a level of peace.
Things that helped us were...time and talking.

Northern don't be silly - it's just reading your post your sadness was palpable. I really feel for you.

I can also really relate to your "big sister" role. I haven't been in your particular position with my own younger sisters but I can imagine the sense of helplessness you feel.

Wishing you strength over the coming days, weeks and months.

Thank you. Lump on the chest again this morning and I dreamt about it too. Fortunately something has gone wrong with my bike and so I need to skip church and take it to the shop. This is a relief because tbh I was dreading talking to all my lovely kind friends. They have been a huge source of strength but last week when I knew he was dyingI cried all over them and today would be worse. Getting wet going to the bike shop and hanging around by myself waiting seems like a good result!

Seeing people for the first time after a bereavement is always hard. Do it when you are ready, but do not hide too much, lest the funeral is overwhelming.

NL, I am so sorry to hear that your BIL has died. I know you were expecting it, but as you say, nothing can actually prepare you for it. Your grief must be immense, as must be your need to help and support your dear sister at this time. I wish I had a sister like you.

Following my father's death last year, all I can say is that the funeral does help. Seeing his body did help me. Speaking at his funeral really helped me. But I miss him like crazy; he was my wonderful, funny father.

A lady I know lost her DH very suddenly last year. He was 36 and they have 2 very little children (2 and 4). She has said that now is the most difficult time for her - for the first few months she was fuelled by adrenaline, the need to do things, sort out all the crap that comes with death. But now this is her life - without her DH - and she hates it, and feels so empty. So my advice (and I am sure you would do this naturally) is to not assume that your sister is ok with time. It may well get harder for her.

Wishing you, your sister and your family all the love and best wishes in the world.

Thank you Rindercella. I will remember that. Thinking of you and yours too.