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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

It's my dads birthday today

14 replies

redberry · 21/10/2005 23:22

He died 2 weeks ago after just one week in hospital. I can't believe I'll never see him again. Can't describe how sad I feel

OP posts:

Sarahx2005 · 21/10/2005 23:25

So sorry redberry. Not much I can say really but couldn't read and not post. I lost my son 3 years ago so I understand a little of what you are going through.
Sarah x

Original poster

redberry · 21/10/2005 23:36

Thanks Sarah, so sorry to hear about your son. I cant imagine what you've been through.

OP posts:

Sarahx2005 · 21/10/2005 23:39

Thanks redberry. I wish there was something I could say to help you but just take each day as it comes, they say that time is a great healer but I don't think that's true, but it does teach you how to deal with things and it does get easier. Sorry if that is negative I don't mean it to be, you will always have the bad times and always miss your Dad but those times will get fewer and further apart.
Sarah x

Original poster

redberry · 22/10/2005 00:00

I spent the first week with nothing else but my dad on my mind. Since the funeral I've been trying to get back to normal and I'm sure most people who see me think I'm doing ok, but when I'm alone or even just when the kids are being quiet I feel desperately sad.

My ds2 who's 4 was especially close to him and my dad always said he was the only one of his 6 grandchildren to look like him. He seemed to understand when I initially told him, but in the last couple of days he has been getting more upset. I think he's realising that this is forever. I find his loss almost as hard as my own.

OP posts:

Sarahx2005 · 22/10/2005 00:04

I can understand that, I felt for my two older children, I would have done anything to have taken their pain away too. My son was ill for a while before he died, age 4, and it was hard for them to see him suffer and hard on them when he died. You want to protect them don't you?
I started an online group which helped me a lot in the early months, it's kind of a memorial to him and a support to others.
You will find your way and your son will feel better much more quickly than you so try not to worry too much.
Sarah x

Original poster

redberry · 22/10/2005 00:19

Thanks for your supportive posts Sarah. I've recovered from one of my weeps! They come and go in waves, sometimes quite unexpectedly.

I've become quite irrational these last 2 weeks, I was on the verge of a showdown with ds1's teacher after he wrote in his reading diary " Connor needs to do more reading - this is not good enough!" This was the day before the funeral, none of us felt much like reading at that time.

OP posts:

Sarahx2005 · 22/10/2005 00:24

Things like that really set you off don't they, you think to yourself 'don't they realise what's happening here!!'
If you ever want to chat just send me a message through here.
Sarah x

butterflymum · 22/10/2005 00:35

redberry, for your son, I would suggest you may like to try and share the book Badgers Parting Gift by Susan Varley...my children (then 3 and 5) found it very helpful when my dad died a few years ago.

butterflymum · 22/10/2005 00:41

You may also find this booklist for children and adults helpful.

Original poster

redberry · 22/10/2005 00:43

Thanks butterflymum, thats a good idea, I'll have a look on amazon now.

OP posts:

mymama · 22/10/2005 00:50

I lost my stepmum two years ago and felt exactly the same. She was my last parent as I had lost my natural mum at 3 and my dad at 9. I found first few months hard as was pregnant with ds2 and had to sort out house etc but time does help. Two years on I still have moments of huge sadness but probably spend more time thinking good memories then actual loss. Be kind to yourself, it is okay to grieve and it is okay for your children to see you cry. I believe it helps them understand it better. My dd was 4 and I don't think she understood the finality of it either. Talk with your son about feeling sad. Perhaps you could get a plant or a star to look at to remember your dad with him.

Sarahx2005 · 22/10/2005 01:10

When you feel ready and you want to browse have a look at this

Original poster

redberry · 22/10/2005 01:21

Mymama, I told both the boys that grandad is up in the stars, ds1 is 9 and hasnt really asked any questions. He did ask what heaven was like and I just told him it was a place where all your dreams and wishes come true. Havent got a clue whether this was the right thing to say or not. He seemed satisfied with this.

Ds2 is 4 and wishes grandad would come down from the stars. He stood on his windowsill a couple of days after my dad died and whispered "Wait for me grandad" then louder he said "Grandad, wait for me & mummy & Connor & daddy!" It broke my heart. Now he's taken to shouting up at the stars "Goodnight grandad" or "Come back grandad" So I have tried to tell him that grandad is now beyond the stars and he doesnt need to shout to him.

OP posts:

mymama · 22/10/2005 01:36

That must bring tears to your eyes . My dd was close to her grandma but didn't show much emotion. She did offer to dig the hole to bury her though which made me laugh and cry at the same time. I was 7 months preg and just moved house so I could put her mind to the baby and her new room instead of grandma. Some boys are very sensitive little souls - My two ds's are much more emotional than my dd. Your ds sounds like a little softy. Perhaps you could give him a photo of grandad to talk to rather than shouting to the stars.

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