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Original poster

How best to be of comfort to a friend who has lost her five year old

16 replies

Ottavia · 07/03/2011 18:07

My friend has just lost her five year old (who was best friends with my youngest) in a tragic accident. Her middle son is also best friends with my eldest boy. We are all heartbroken. I just wondered if anyone had any advice on how best to help her - other than with the practical stuff around having her ds to stay?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

OP posts:
chimchar · 07/03/2011 18:11

oh god. no help at all i'm afraid, but how devastating. i'm so very sorry for your friends loss, and for yours too. so sorry x

cornsilkee · 07/03/2011 18:12

how awful for you all Sad

edam · 07/03/2011 18:14

Gosh, I'm so very sorry. Think from previous threads on similar issues just being there and listening is good, as well as practical support such as taking round meals if she doesn't feel up to cooking. And remembering people who have died - lots of people will be supportive at first but as time goes on, fewer and fewer people mention the person you've lost.

travellingwilbury · 07/03/2011 18:14

I am so sorry to hear about your friends son , I think the best thing you can do for her is just to be there for her and never be scared to say his name out loud .

She is in for a long shitty road and will need all the support she can get .

How are your sons doing ? They must be in bits as well .

ajandjjmum · 07/03/2011 18:16

Maybe offer to have her other dc whenever it would help her - it would perhaps give her some breathing space.

How absolutely awful - can't imagine how she must feel. Sad

Original poster
Ottavia · 07/03/2011 23:26

My sons are sad and the youngest is obviously processing it as he's asking a lot about death and my death in particular but kids are adaptable and I think they'll be fine, as will hers. It's my friend and her dh who I'm concerned about and how best to help them through this. What to say and what not to say. What helps and what doesn't. I think it's good advice about being around and available not just now but for the long haul. Thanks for the replies.

OP posts:
LemonDifficult · 07/03/2011 23:30

The long haul, definitely.

And at times when other people wouldn't bring it up, just mention him and include him in your conversation.

ninedragons · 07/03/2011 23:34

God, the poor family.

They will want to talk about him incessantly, and for years. Be the person who never shies away from talking about the child and you will be doing the family a huge service.

My cousin died in a car accident 14 years ago and every year on her birthday I send my aunt flowers - it is SO, SO important to her that someone remembers.

ajandjjmum · 08/03/2011 08:25

I suspect your sons may have a bit of a wobble - it's a huge thing to happen in their lives.

fastedwina · 09/03/2011 16:43

never lost a child, horrific even to think of it. But agree with the others - let her talk about him and remember him. When my mum died i just had an overwhelming need to keep talking about her - I didn't want her pushed away because it was awkward though understood other people being scared to mention her in case it upset us - it did sometimes upset me but in a good way, IYKWIM.

other help could be practical help like taking the other children to let her have a break if she needs it - or popping round with a casserole or something - she might not be able to cope with basic things like that.

everlong · 09/03/2011 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

zeno · 13/03/2011 11:12

Be there for her, and stay there for her.

Meals brought round, heated up and dished out, staying to eat with them if they want company. Take another friend round and clean the house once a week.

Read this and print out copies to hand out to other friends. It was utterly invaluable to our friends. I will forever be thankful to the person who started it circulating when our dd died aged 4.

Be brave for your friend.

copycat · 19/03/2011 23:05

Zeno Sad I'm so very sorry for your loss.

Ottavia that's such devastating news for your friend and her DH and for you and your family too. I can't speak from experience but I feel certain that your friend and your own children will want to talk about the little boy who has died and, through your tears, I'm sure you will remember him with smiles and sadness too.

Life is fragile but sharing memories can be the substance of strength and joy. I wish you and your friend much comfort at this tragic and heart rending time and I hope that you will find ways to support and love her and her DH and children in the coming weeks of grief and pain. As far as practical help is concerned (as far as possible without intruding) just do it without asking; buy/cook food, take the washing and bring it back ironed, help with the school runs, offer to babysit or make phone calls for her ... take her out for coffee or to the garden centre to buy some flowers to plant in her son's memory ...

Thinking of you both Sad

ClaireOB · 24/03/2011 12:58

What zeno, copycat and others have said. If she has children at school, the school run can be very hard so don't be afraid to go up and talk if you see her or her DH at the school gate. After DS (10) died my friends did this and I think it made it easier for others who knew me less well to approach me and talk. Helped me to feel less isolated.

ilovesprouts · 24/03/2011 17:26

awwh thats so sad ,help by making food etc odd jobs

brookeslay · 24/03/2011 17:39

boxes

These memory boxes might help done the line its for bereaved children though obviously can wotk for bereaved parents

Vouchers for cook or chef on wheels. Can you see if their is Cruise in their area talking helps.

I read that list it is very good.. also a long letter of your memories could help its lovely to read how other people saw your children.

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