baby lost at 22 weeks - due date soon and need some help

[ErinH]

wasn't sure where to post this as i didn't want to upset people in the antenatal choices or pregnancy loss sections.
We decided to have our baby cremated so we could attend a short service and have some ashes to scatter on his due date. The plan was to plant a tree in the Spring (end March/April) and bury or scatter his ashes in the local churchyard (with the consent of the PCC). My problem is slightly irrational: I don't think I can do it...I rather like having his ashes under our roof (surrounded by our family, where he should be) and not out in the cold, only to be visited by us occasionally. I can't seem to let him go. Today has been a bad day and I've cried for most of it. I just don't know what to do. Is there anyone else who planned something like this and changed their mind? Or anyone who may be able to come up with a better plan?

Hi, I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't really have any advice except to say if you aren't sure about scattering you son's ashes then don't do it as you might regret it.

My friend lost a baby and she put her ashes into a beautiful large flower pot and planted lots of bulbs so that it blooms and makes her smile. Then her daughter is also always close. She put it in the pot so that if she ever moved it could go with her.

HTH, hope you have got some friends and family around you to support you today.

Erin I've still got my baby's ashes 2 years on, in fact almost exactly 2 years on from the funeral. I used to feel bad that I hadn't done anything with them. I thought I ought to mark things somehow by burying them or scattering them somewhere special. But then I think she never really saw the outside world, she never went anywhere, so there were no places that were special for her or anything, so it seems more apt to have her as close as possible.

If you change your mind along the way, you'll know when it feels right to do something different.

You may find you cry for less of the days after the due date has gone and then after the first anniversary has gone. I hope the day itself is as gentle as possible on you.

Hi.. Im sorry about the loss of your son.

My situation is different but just wanted to pass on my experience. My brother died suddenly in october 2009. He was cremated and his ashes are in a personalised urn at the family home. I love being able to see him there when i visit my parents. We all also have a necklace each that contains some of his ashes so wherever any of us are db is always with us. Jus thought it would give you a different idea. I strongly believe if you dont feel your up to scattering your sons ashes then not too.

Thank you for your responses. It's comforting to know that keeping his ashes around so he can hear the laughter of family life, is a nice thing to do for him and not too weird. I feel a little less panicked now knowing that I don't have to put pressure on myself to do the things I said I would. I think you're right, that planting a tree to signify the birth date is still something I'd like to do, just without the ashes for the meantime. I'm just not ready. Thanks all.

So sorry to hear about your son. I can't pretend to understand what you are going through but I have close friends who lost their daughter at 27 weeks. She felt exactly as you do - that she just wasn't ready to do anything with her ashes.

I sent them a pink helium balloon on the day her dd was due and they said that releasing this from their garden as the sun set was really cathartic. Maybe you could do something like this to ackowledge the day while keeping his ashes with you for as long as you need?