DH's Mum died suddenly, he has severe mental health problems, not sure how to deal with it!!!???

[PurpleLostPrincess]

I'm not looking for anybody to provide me with a magic answer as I'm quite confident there isn't one, but just needed to vent/talk about it...

It's a massively long story but DH had MH problems from when he was a child, his Father died when he was 16 which obviously had a massive effect on him, but in addition to that his Mum went off with another bloke within about 3 months and abandoned him in their family home. His older half sister then came to live there to supposedly look after him, but turned out to be a very bad influence. She also spent his inheritance (fraudulently - forged signatures etc), when this came out, his Mum refused to take action against her so it was left.

DH (still in his teens) got in with a very bad crowd, got into all sorts of drugs and ended up being hospitalised for his MH problems - PTSD etc. He then moved away and tried to get on with his life but struggled. We grew up on the same street and were very close, but when he went away there was no contact. He came back to his hometown 8 years later, we met again and got married etc. The relationship with his mum had always been strained because he couldn't get over her just leaving him like that. Before he moved away, he had walked the 20 odd miles to where his mum then lived but her new partner opened the door and turned him away - his feet were bleeding and everything! Apparently his Mum didn't want anything to do with him because he was into drugs.

So, fast forward to now (been married 8 years now), he was friendly with her when we got married and she came to the wedding (along with that awful sister!). We tried to get along with her - when DD2 was born we went to see her a few times. She had a new partner by then and they even came to visit us once. DH and I had some problems about 2 years ago due to his cannabis addiction and I threw him out. He asked her for help but she wouldn't help him, I had a rather challenging phonecall with her, I wasn't horrible or disrespectful but I was truthful and she didn't like it!

After that, there was no contact as DH didn't want to know her. He said my Mum was his Mum now as she had shown more love to him in a few years than she ever did. She got ill and was told a few months ago that she may not have long to live due to a heart problem. I tried to get DH to agree to visit her but he kept putting it off.

So we got a phonecall the night before last to say she had died suddenly while with his other sister who we get on with. He has been up and down ever since. Part of him is relieved she is finally gone and feels numb, the other part of him is devastated as she was his Mum after all, even if he didn't think she was a good one.

He suffers from anxiety, agoraphobia, depression, OCD and many more problems but wants to go to the funeral. I suspect he will want to challenge the half sister about the inheritance from his father, not sure what's going to happen there.

Not sure why I've gone into so much detail, I just feel that I'm useless to him as I have no idea what he must be going through. We're very close to my parents and I'm an only child and I can't imagine how I would feel if that happened to me, let alone if there was bad feeling (which there isn't).

I've babbled now, sorry! Again, I know it's impossible to give any answers, I've just told him there is no right or wrong as far as how he should feel and that I'm here for him. I generally keep the contact with other members of the family as he doesn't do phone conversations, so I've been talking to them and they're all worried about him too!

Difficult times.
Sounds like you are doing a fabulous job of supporting him. He will have lots of conflicting emotions, and your acceptance of this, without need for him to explain the apparent incongruities, will be very helpful.
The build up to the funeral will be difficult by the sounds of things, take care of yourself and your kids too.

You sound absolutely lovely. All you can do is be there - as you always have been - if he needs you. Poor man. However we feel about our parents, the loss of them is often fundamental.

I hope someone comes along with some more "professional" advice. But in the meantime be kind to one another. Perhaps your DH would benefit from some counselling later on?

Thank you for your lovely replies! I'm not as lovely as I seem, I've had to become quite firm with him over the years and can come across as quite the bitch at times, but if I mollycoddle him he tends to take advantage. He is aware of this and knows that's why I have to be the way I am. But in this instance I'm hoping I can be more understanding. I'm very proud of him overcoming his addiction to cannabis (clean almost 2 years now!), one of the first things he said when the news came was that he wanted a bag of green, but so far he has managed to avoid that route, thankfully!!

As far as counselling goes, there is very little in our area I'm afraid, unless we could afford £40 minimum per session, which we can't. He does see his community mental health consultant every few months - he did have a CPN, but they changed every 6 months and he couldn't cope with seeing different people when it's a job to get him there in the first place! I think we'll see how he goes, and maybe get an appointment with the consultant if need be, as he's not due to go there until May.

I've seen him get very very low in the past, I can't bear to watch him go under again. I hope he keeps fighting and doesn't let her ruin things for him from the grave - that seems to be his fear too...

That sounds quite defeatist - I personally think he has a choice about how he lets her affect his life, but then I don't have a clue what's going on in his head and can't imagine how he must be feeling. Maybe part of his illness is that he doesn't have that choice...

Will be back later, but thank you again, it's nice to think 'out loud' as such!

Oh poor you! It does sound to me though that you support your DH brilliantly, and yes that does sometimes mean being tough.

Thinking of you and come back and update us / offload when you want to if it helps.

Thank you!

I'm in floods of tears - how much licence does this situation give him to be a complete prick!?!? I have a throat infection and haven't been sleeping well, he is an insomniac so we've both been struggling. When he gets depressed he spends loads of time in bed, and yesterday I left him to it until 3pm while I struggled with DD2 downstairs. I really was fine with it but mentioned to him last night that its all catching up with me. This morning he snapped at me and because I'm so tired I burst into tears - he then told me not to act like he was doing something wrong. I came downstairs with DD2 again, sobbing...

He won't talk about his Mum at the moment, which is fine if that's what he needs to do to get through it. I found a picture of her yesterday and asked if he wanted to see it, he didn't. Again, there is no right or wrong, but I feel like I'm doing it all wrong, maybe I shouldn't even have mentioned it? He's gone into a deep depression and I just don't have the energy while I'm ill to run the house etc. DS (16) is in Australia at the moment and I miss him dearly. He'll be back in 1 week, but he's due to skype me today and I don't want him to see me in this mess as he'll worry and I don't want to ruin his time there.

I really am waffling now, sorry but its so good to offload.

Is it bad that I'm crying for the fact that DH is now an orphan? He's never cried over his Dad and now not his Mum so far. I've known her since I was about 10 too and I'm sometimes quite an emotional person. I feel bad that I can cry but he can't

Hmmm.
This situation gives him some license but he still needs to be respectful and loving towards you! He needs to model responsible behaviour for the children to see, and while you will have to give him some leeway, you do not have to accept being treated unreasonably.
Can you be honest with him about how difficult this is for you all, as a family? That you want to support him the best you can, but are not sure how?
Your son will understand your upset at your MILs death, just reassure him that you will all be ok, and try to act as normally as poss during your skype.
You sound like a very kind, sensitive person.

Thankyou, we've had a bit of a turnaround! He came down a while ago and apologised and said he's not spending any more time crying over somebody who didn't care for him! He's now getting on with sorting out the shed which had gone on hold, understandably. I'm still teary but purely due to tiredness. I did mention that if it was the other way round I would be in bed forever and he agrees. He also said that when my Mum goes I will fall apart (true) but that's because we have a different relationship. I keep reminding him that it's not about me, and that we'll deal with that when the time comes, we're all different. Sorry for the long paragraph, I'm on my phone! Will get myself together for when DS skypes me. We're very good friends so there's no point im me trying to act, he'll see right through it lol! Thank you again for listening, I can't tell you how much it helps xxx

Glad things seem a bit better. I expect there will be good days and bad days for your partner.
Enjoy your chat with your son! And try and get some sleep if you can.

Really feeling for him these last few days! DD2 has a chest infection, then I got an ear infection and my eardrum burst... DS is due back from the other side of the planet on Sunday and DH needs to get the shed done before he returns as it has been used as a dumping ground while he was away and he'll have nowhere to sleep. DH hasn't been feeling well either but he has slogged away in the shed (lining it with plasterboard and insulation etc). I've managed to do a few bits in the kitchen but feel so shitty, what awful timing! Usually he'd really look after me, but his mind is elsewhere and us getting ill has been really bad timing.

He said earlier that he just doesn't know where to start bless him! The house looks like a bomb has hit it (he usually keeps on top of things while I go to my parents to help with the family business). We've all just been couped up with our germs though. At one point he said he felt bad for not looking after me, I felt awful and made it clear that just keeping himself together is amazing and he is not responsible for me, bless him!

I keep saying 'bless him', I guess I don't know what else to say!

Have heard that the funeral will be next week - need to get him some decent clothes for it. We used to talk about the day that his Mum went and he swore he wouldn't go to her funeral, so I'm very proud of him for going... I might think ahead and talk to the gp to get him his prescription for getting through the day...

Well, it's the funeral tomorrow - quite a drive to get there but we haven't seen his sisters for some time so although it'll be under horrible circumstances, it'll be nice to see them (well, 2 of them anyway!). Discovered this morning that he's not been taking his ad's which would explain why he's been even more low than usual! The GP has given him 2 diazepam to help keep him calm and he's having his hair cut in the morning. I can't wait for him to have a shower, when he's really depressed his personal hygeine goes to pot and he absolutely stinks!!! So sad considering how proud he used to be of his appearance

We've talked about how he feels about tomorrow and he still has really mixed feelings. I just hope he gets through it ok. I can't imagine what must be going through his head. If it was the other way around I'd be a complete wreck!

Hi PLP

I know you from the baby stoma thread (my DD is a VACTERL baby) and have only just come across this. Just wanted to wish you well for tomorrow and hope your DH is OK. The diazepam sound like a good idea to help him take the edge off any anxiety about the day (I suffer from depression and OCD too).

Try and get him back onto his AD's if you can - hopefully if he has only stopped them recently there will still be a cumulative amount in his system. I have learnt the hard way over the years that I need to be on them indefinitely to keep me on an even keel.

Hopefully tomorrow will give him some closure on his relationship with his Mum. I have lost both of my parents so can understand to a degree how he must be feeling although I was lucky to have a good relationship with my Mum. Has he seen his CPN recently? Again I understand how difficult it is when they change them every few months just after you have built up a relationship with one person and gone through the emotionally draining process of starting at the beginning - to have to do it all over again is hard.

You sounds like an incredibly strong person - coping with your DH and also your DD's issues - btw I love the new pics of her on your profile she looks so grown up!

Hope it goes OK - will be thinking of you both.

Rach x

How did it go PLP? Hope your DH is OK

R x

Thank you Rachel, how lovely of you to ask! How is your LO doing by the way?

Well, it was a tense day but I am so proud of DH and how he handled it! We left early as he wanted to get settled and not be entering a room with lots of people - as it was everybody got there early but he managed to cope and took his diazepam when we got there (had one before we left too). The funeral service was as lovely as it could be and up to then he hadn't said a word to the particular sister that there has been issues with. Then, he went up to her and her sons and shook their hands and had a hug with them. She honestly is one of the strangest people I know, but at the same time she is going through a big loss too, so we all 'tolerated' her for the day. You're either best friends or enemies with her iyswim

Her sons are so mature now - DH and I used to look after them loads when they were little! We've swapped numbers and promised to keep in touch. Also we're going to see his other sisters soon, they are so lovely!

We didn't leave until late and it was nice to spend time with them. However I've been trying to act normal when in fact I'm so ill, I still can't hear and I feel so pants. So, since then I've been trying to rest but still catch up with housework.

As for DH, he seems much better now and seems to have lifted himself out of the low pattern he was in. I suspect he got some closure at the funeral. It did him good to hear from the rest of the family how much his mum loved him, although he still questions why she did the things she did. She did some awful things to the others too, so it was also good for him to see he's not the only one hurting.

So, today we're getting on with sorting out the house and will hopefully have some sort of normality soon - yay!!

Cerys has been well thanks Rachel - she still has to have movicol every day and gets bad nappy rash. She did really well with potty training as far as doing a wee goes, but we had lots of accidents with poos and despite wearing pull ups, seems to have given up for now. We just take her lead with it really. Physically she struggles so much and we underestimated how much - she can only walk about 50 yards before giving up completely so we use the buggy everywhere we go. Being 3, she obviously wants to be independent but has to give in after too much. She still has to climb stairs rather than walk and needs support etc getting around. She is such a little treasure though, each day is a gift and she always has us laughing!

I think DH is due to see the consultant in a few months time, but if he gets really bad I'll ring and see if we can get an earlier appointment. Thankfully he has got back on his ad's without too much fuss and I'm wondering if that is what has picked him up a bit. I just wish he would shower more often but I guess that's what comes with it!

Thanks for listening, mn really is so wonderful and it helps so much to waffle on

He's been really really low these last few weeks, has blown up a few times shouting etc, keeps threatening suicide which he hasn't for a long time and keeps telling me he wants a joint too... I have my 3 nephews here for 10 days, so I've just had to let him get on with it. He locks himself in his shed (computer etc out there) and hasn't showered for days on end. There's nothing I can do apart from be supportive. I gave him a kick up the arse a few weeks ago and he seemed to get better but now he is on the edge. I'm worried he has had a breakdown, there's nothing I can do!!!
Sorry to vent, just needed to tell somebody, I know there's nothing anybody can say...

I'm going to post this in MH, as it may be more appropriate, hope nobody minds...