Missing my mum more and more since having kids, even though its been 11 years

[redstripeyelephant]

My mum died 11 years ago when I was 20, from cancer. It was a horrible, horrible time, I dropped out of uni, took an overdose, and generally didn't cope very well. Eventually I had counselling, went back to uni and got my degree, and thought I'd moved on.

Recently, especially since having DD2, I find myself thinking about her more and more. I guess partly due to the fact that the age gap between my DDs is the same as between me and my sister, I find myself wondering how she coped with this or that, what life was like for her when we were little, all the things I wish I could ask her for advice on. More and more I just feel so resentful and bitter that I never got to have an adult relationship with her, that she never met her grandchildren. There's so much more I want to say to her now that I have children of my own, so much more I now understand about her. I guess it makes me realise even more how much she loved us, and I really wish I could apologise for being a little shit sometimes! And when friends moan about their mums being interfering it drives me up the wall.

I find myself breaking down in tears at completely random moments just because something has made me think of her.

I guess I just needed to write that down somewhere. DH doesn't understand, my dad is pretty useless (not particularly close, and he and my mum separated when I was young) and my sister and I never really talk about mum. Not sure why we don't I guess I never want to bring her down, and maybe she feels the same.

It is so hard, I totally feel what you are saying. My Dad died 12 years ago and I find it heartbreaking he never met my boys 4 and 8. We have been though a financially tough time lately and I think back to when my Dad worked 7 days a week to bring in money to keep us all fed and clothed, how knackered he must have been. I want to say to him thank you so much! as I never really appreciated it all then.

My parents were divorced before he died and sometime I feel as though our famliy never really existed, which I know is not true.

Maybe you should talk with your sister? At least ask her, I bet she feels the same. Have you got any Aunties or Uncles, your Mum's brothers and sister you could talk too about her as a Mum when you were little? You have moved on, but as life changes there are always things that remind you, I am 40 soon and my Dad died when he was 50 and think fuck that is so young, he must have felt so young and pissed off to be dying.

He loved life so that spurs me to get on with it and try and think of the good times, I still blub uncontrollably at times, lst week driving along past where he built some houses and I was a snot filled mess for an hour.

Just to say I understand and you sound like a lovely caring and thoughtfull Mum and I am sure that your Mum can see that somehow.

Just wanted to say I understand.
My mum died 18years ago when I was 16.
When my DC3 was born(9months ago) I got really upset (I too am the third child)because there were/are so many questions I would love to ask, my dad is useless too - I don't know even know if I was BF or FF!
Obviously I grieved for when she died but I find I am grieving for her in a different way now that I am an adult and a mum.
Tho this might not be everyones way of dealing with things but now I just think how lucky I was to have my mum - even only for 16years. She was a bloody legend! When I read some stories on here how other mums are I feel so lucky. Yes it bloody hurts, I cry at random times. It the anniversary of her death this tues/weds (complicated) and I will take the Grandchildren she never got meet to her tree that we planted in memory of her.
Sending you because I know how hard it is.

Hi OP

Just wanted to say your post totally resonated with me. I lost my mum 6 years ago and now have 2 DSs and I feel like especially recently I've been prone to breaking down crying as I feel so gutted she never met them. I find I'm so jealous of all the people who have very involved GPs as my dad also died when I was 11 and my in-laws are pretty hopeless.

So much of your post I could've written myself about not having the adult relationship with my mum and feeling bad for being a nightmare child at times.

It sucks when you want the people you most cared about to be around to see these amazing little people you've brought into the world.

Just wanted to know you're not alone in feeling as you do.

Thank you so much for your kind posts, they made me cry!

Caro, I agree I guess I should talk to my sister. She just always seems so together... even when mum died and I had a bit of a breakdown she threw herself into her career instead, I think it was her way of dealing with it. Now we don't live close by and when we do get together it's all about the kids, no time to really chat properly. Though I guess I'm just making excuses as there's always the phone!

Eliza, my dad is just the same, I asked him things like how much we weighed, whether my mum BF/FF, whether we slept through the night, he had no idea! It's true you keep on grieving in a different way, I guess these milestones are always going to come up... like reading bedtime stories to DD1 that she used to read to us, or reaching the same age they were when they died.

Lucy, that must be so hard not to have your mum or your dad. My inlaws are ok, but we are very different and I often feel like MIL disapproves of things I do and wish I had my own mum around to back me up!

I think a visit to my gran might be long overdue - she is the one person who never tires of talking about my mum, I don't think she ever got over losing her daughter. It used to put me off visiting her when I was younger as I couldn't handle it, but it might be quite nice now.

Sending you all (((hugs))) , good to not feel so alone, but so sorry you have been through it too xx

I agree I really wish I had spoken to my nana more about my mum before my mum died (nana died 3years after mum).
I've just been sorting out our attic (we are hoping to move house) and I found all the Mothers Days cards I sent my mum and all the birthday cards she sent me. Had me sobbing.
Sadly, my DS' dad (my Ex) died at the end of Jan (DS is only 11) and it kills me because I know exactly how he is feeling - I hate knowing that in the future he is going to feel as I do.
My DH mum died when he was 11 too. Its crap & sadly more common than is spoken about.
Don't ever feel alone. Lots of us know where you are coming from.
xxx

Oh gosh Eliza, your poor DS. So sorry. At least for him he has a mum who can completely empathise with how he is feeling, in the long run it may help him to know that you have been through the same thing.

I also have a stash of birthday cards, just seeing her handwriting gets me going. Though in a way it's also comforting. I also still wear a pair of pyjames she bought me when I was at uni (even though they are hideous and at the time I was too cool to wear them!)

xx

I still spray my mums favourite perfume around my bedroon even though it is hideous!
God I miss her though. This time 18 years ago she had no knowledge that she had 2 days left alive. If we had known I would have hugged her that bit harder - as it was I was a 16year old more interested in seeing my friends. I know if she was here she'd be doing my head in tho & i'd be starting threads right left and centre about her as a grandparent always wanting to be involved
My DS - thats harder - he's very much in denial.
One thing I have learnt is that if someone hasn't experienced a parent dying young they really can't understand. Its not them being mean or selfish its just beyond their comprehension.
My best friend recently lost her brother and, bless her, she rang me in tears apologising, saying that she really thought she could umderstand but until she went through similar she had no idea.
xxx

Anniversaries never get any easier do they? I think your plan of taking the grandkids to the tree you planted for her is lovely. On my mum's anniversary and birthday I always buy a bunch of freesias, her favourite flowers.

I think though, as a 16 year old she would have been happy to know you were out with your friends enjoying yourself, so don't beat yourself up about it!

Good luck with the anniversary xx

Freesias were my mums favourite flowers too.
Rive gauche was my mums favourite perfume - my poor DH!

You have made me think about doing something now and again to remind me of my Dad in a celebratory way, he loved strawberry tarts with a cup of tea, I might do that tomorrow.

carocaro think thats a good idea.
Doing these little things remind us that they live on within us. Sorry if that sounds cheesy. But my family don't talk about my mum very much because of the way in which she died so I try to have my own little "things" to remember her by that aren't too depressing.
Enjoy your strawberry tarts and tea

my mum died 30 years ago and I still miss her even though TBH she was not the best mum in the world but she was mine.