I'm struggling - where do I go from here?

[Vondo]

Hi there

I'm a regular lurker and occasionally post!

I'm really struggling at the moment. I feel really emotional, for example on Saturday night me, DH and DS1 (8) & DS3 (2) were at a friends birthday party. I drove as we had the DC ? this isn't something that bothers me at all ? I don't mind driving on a night out. Anyway, about 9.30pm (after only being there for 2 hours), I was suddenly feeling really irritated and annoyed (but I wasn't sure why), I decided that I'd had enough and told DH that me and the boys were going to go home and he should stay and enjoy the rest of the night. When I got into the car for some reason I burst into tears ? luckily both boys feel asleep as soon as they got in the car so didn't know but I started to cry and didn't stop until well after I was home. I couldn't pinpoint what was making me so distraught but something had obviously set off this trigger.

So why post in bereavement? Well, three years ago my DS2 was stillborn ? 5 days before Christmas. I've been dreaming a lot about him recently ? most nights in fact and mostly all of them are about either his funeral or reliving the birth. I wake up most morning after these dream feeling emotionally drained.

I know I didn't deal with it when it happened. I had DS1 to push through for and as I've said to many people you act like everything is normal for so long that that becomes the norm (if that makes sense), I've also maintained that I had to stay strong because if I let myself go I was scared I'd go to a place I couldn't bring myself back from. I was pregnant again very soon and nearly a year later (to the day) DS3 was born.

So what I'm trying to say is is this my subconscious telling me that I have to deal with it now. Even typing this is making me cry! I just feel like I want to cry all the time, I feel exhausted and I feel alone. DH is brilliant and I couldn't ask for a better dad for my boys but he's not good with dealing with grief ? he deals with it in his own way which is to shut it in a box and keep it there. So what do I do? How can I get myself out of this? I feel I'm on a slippery slop and can't stop. I feel I'm caving in on myself. I hardly see any of my friends ? I feel I drifted from everyone. I combination of having two young DC, working full time and not having much time and partly because I don't seem to have the energy or motivation to do anything. DH says I could happily lock myself away in the house with the boys and never come out again and I think he's right. Please help me ? I've become someone I don't want to me.

Sorry for the long rambling post ? it does help though to put it all down!

shameless bump again!!

Vondo, I'm so sorry about your son.

My position is different (my OH died 18 months ago), but I do recognise some of the things you're finding yourself feeling.

It's surprising how lethargic and physically tired grief can make you. Especially when you're churning things around in your head, re-living it all.

For the first time last week I saw a counsellor. Like you, I'd got to a point where I thought 'I have to continue, but I can't continue like this'.

It helped. Not in the sense that I feel suddenly better (though I do feel...calmer), but in the sense that I have been motivated to do a bit more this week - sort out some paper-work, take a deep breath and arrange to see friends, spend an evening doing something other than sitting looking at OH's chair.

I think the longer you go, the more it helps.

It does sound like you really need to talk things over with someone. Can you go to your GP for a referral perhaps?

I hope you have a more peaceful night tonight.

Vondo , I am so sorry you are going through this . You might find one of the reasons you are having a tough time is because your 2 yr old is that bit older now and you can let yourself think of your baby again .

My 14mth old son died in 2001 , I went on to have two more boys and when the youngest came out of babyhood I really struggled . It all seemed to come back and smack me in the face again .

Please come onto the bereaved mums thread here , there is always someone who has thought/felt what you are going through and will be there for you .

hello Vondo,

How I sympathise, and believe me, I really know how you feel 'tho'coming from a different direction. You are now doing the absolutely right thing. TALKING. The more you can do this, the more you'll find relief for your emotions - talking, like crying, is a release both for your head and for your heart.
You have the perfect group of listeners here on this chat-room, who will understand to some degree what is happening to you.
Personally, if I could have found a gym, with a good punch-bag to use during lunch hour, I think that would have helped... Talk to us Vondo and I'm sure that there will be many people who will try their best to help you through this sad time.

Vondo How you doing now ? our special thread

Thanks for all your answers. I actually feel a bit better after putting it all into words. I sent the link to this thread to a friend of mine and explained that I find it hard to express how I'm feeling unless I write it down - she's been great! i will definately join the other thread - its good just to talk sometimes

Hey Vondo, sorry that you are not having a good time of it.
My only words of advice are please don't feel that you cannot grieve just because you didn't deal with it when it happened, there will always be friends on here or in RL that will be willing to listen. If you can't talk type away, people may not always have the right words and no one will ever fill the hole that DS2 left when he went to play with the angels but you are not alone (even when it feels like you are) DS2 will always be with you and a major part of your family.