How can I move on when I don't know what happened to him?

[jazzygirl]

PLEASE don't judge me.

13 years ago when I was in my twenties (and single) I had an affair with a married man. I was head over heels in love with this guy and he kept telling me he felt the same. After 9 months of him saying he was going to move out and be with me, he ended the relationship as he said he couldn't do it.

It was extremely hard for me to get over and I was truly screwed up by it for a very long time. We lost touch, I moved away, he moved away and we had no mutual friends. But I never really got over it.

I was on the Internet a week or so ago and Googled his name, only to find a link to a memorial site. Apparently he died 5 years ago. It was a complete shock and I am feeling very upset and sad about it. It has brought back a lot of feelings from those days, and there have been a lot of tears.

On the site there were a couple of messages -one from a friend of his (and not of his wife's) I vaguely remember, the other from a lady who sounded as though she was very close to him, perhaps a subsequent partner. I have tried to get in touch with both of them using email but they have blanked me. As I write this I realise it makes me sounds like a stalker, but I'm not. We were SO close, I guess I assumed that friends of his would understand that I need to know. I would never contact his (ex?) wife or family, I know what we did was totally wrong but I'm sure he would have wanted me to know what happened. I am really struggling to get past this.

This has brought up a lot of self-loathing for me, as well as a lot of grief and regret. I feel like I'm some freak and should get over it. I don't have great social skills but I don't really get why the friends are blanking me, especially the one who knew me. I made a quick and dignified exit from the relationship at the time. I know he was married and what we did was wrong, but I can't stop wondering what happened and I can't deal with his death until I know.

Anyone who can say anything to help me, I would be really grateful. I don't need people to tell me I shouldn't have been with a married man, I have already punished myself enough for that. Has anyone had similar experiences or am I the only sinner out there?x

I felt so very sad when I read your post, because I feel like you are constantly punishing yourself even now for something and I think it's time to give yourself a break. I am fortunte enough never to have become involved with someone who is already a partner to someone else but I know someone who did and she was also married at the time, but in a terrible relationship and very vulnerable, which is why I think that it happened.

Anyway, I am not surprised that you feel as though you need to know what happened here - when you have shared something with someone that obviously ran very deep - regardless of whether or not other people judge that to be in the right circumstances - you have a loss that you need to grieve over and to perhaps understand how the loss occurred would be part of the grieving process.

Are you sure that these people are blanking you - it may be that they either haven't read the email's or that they haven't had an opportunity to respond yet? Or maybe they do find it hard to know how they should respond to you, preferring to block out knowing that they were a party to someone deceiving their wife.

I really hope that you find some answers so that you can move through the grieving process, and that you can learn to forgive yourself aswell.

You don't say whether or not you are now in another relationship, if you are, I hope it's someone who makes you happy, and if not, I truly hope you meet someone who deserves you. xxx