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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Help for a child

10 replies

lowprofile · 13/02/2011 14:22

I have the task of telling my dd that her father has died. She never met him. She is a teenager.

Please may someone advise me if there are any support groups for teens out there.

TIA

OP posts:

maltesers · 13/02/2011 14:43

So sorry to hear this news. Would it be an idea to speak to your GP and ask about teenager councilling? She may need this as well as a bereavement support group.
You might need to carefully chose a really 'right time' to tell her. When you know she is about to have lots of time with you rather than just before she plans to go out and see a friend or something. Time when you know nothing is on and you dont have to be somewhere in the next few hours.

My DD (20yrs) is a student nurse and she has learnt that when that awful time comes and you have to tell a parent their child has died, you tell them and use the word "died" so it is absolutely clear what has happened.
After you have told them you break for a pause, and MOST importantly you dont break that silence.
You give the person the information and then wait for them to speak. You say nothing, until after they have spoken, even if it is 2-3 minutes long. Give them time to think , digest what you have said, and then decide what they are going to say.

Be there for them in whatever way you feel is approriate for them.

Be prepared to their reaction to be expressed in so many various ways.

Denial. Anger. Shock. Disbelief. Crying. Upset. Curious. Worried. Withdrawal.
I just hope you DD is going to be ok. She will no doubt be upset. It is her father afterall. She may want to find out in detail what happened.

Be prepared for anything I guess, and be there for her.

Original poster

lowprofile · 13/02/2011 15:22

Thank you so much maltesers.

At the moment I'm trying to ascertain cause of death before I tell her, so that I can have the answers. Unfortunately its not in this country and the country won't give the information to the police over here.

She is away for the week, so will have to break the news on her return as no way can break the news over the phone, but feel bad that we are keeping it secret.

OP posts:

maltesers · 13/02/2011 15:27

I can imagine how horrible it must be to keep this news to yourself for the moment. Yes, you cant tell her when she is away.
Please tell us here how you get on and what you hear about his death. How are you feeling. ? Have you ever seen him since her birth?

Original poster

lowprofile · 13/02/2011 23:54

Sad for my daughter.
She wanted to see him when she was older she didn't feel ready yet, and now she'll never have the chance.
I've not seen him since she was a couple of months old.

OP posts:

MavisEnderby · 14/02/2011 00:11

LP I amnot sure what to say,dp died last yearand ds very involved.I guess you can only be honest ie your dad has died.I hjave no idea how shewill take this,ds nuchyounger and we had been living together.but i think honesty is the best though different circs.Much love Mavis xx

maltesers · 14/02/2011 09:40

Does she have a male role model at all that she can relate to ? Or does she only have you to refer to about all this ?
Can school, college or Gp's support her.?

Jammygal · 14/02/2011 16:21

So sorry for you all.
Give Winston's wish helpline a call. They will help guide you through the process and put you in touch with any bereavement assistance in your area.

Original poster

lowprofile · 17/02/2011 22:50

Thank you for all advice and support - sorry I have not been on for a few days - no internet access.

Fortunately she has a fantastic step-dad who she calls 'Dad', but she's always known he's not her biological father.

OP posts:

Original poster

lowprofile · 19/02/2011 22:56

I've told her today - lots of tears and questions. I can hear her in bed crying now, leaving her for a bit to give her some space.

Unfortunately still don't know why he died.

In the last 10 hours she has gone from wanting to/not wanting to go to funeral. I've said no decision needs to be made for a few days.

Has anyone any advice as to whether or not funerals are a good idea to attend?

I myself have never been, only my grandparents have died, all when I was under 5. So I have no experience of loss myself.

OP posts:

Jammygal · 20/02/2011 13:07

Choice is the key here.....it is crucial that she is offered the chance to go - regardless of her decision. Honesty is the way to go answering all questions with honesty.....give the Winston's Wish helpline a call....they will answer all your queries/worries in depth and will help you to guide your daughter in the best way possible. Good Luck x

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