Should I be grieving every year??

[spooklymieow]

I miscarriaged at 8 weeks in '99 on the 28th feb. I hardly think about it now, and the date can pass me by without me thinking about it at all. I don't grieve or think about what should have been. I don't have anything to mark the baby's death. I must seem like a heartless cow, but I have 3 beautiful kids, and carry on as normal.

Well I might be considered very heartless here, but I think that sounds wonderful SM! It was a terrible loss at the time, but you have moved on and , as you say, have three beautiful children to think of and be happy over. How would they feel if you continued to grieve for a child that you never got to hold instead of enjoying them?

Whats your point?
I think you know that people grieve in all different ways for different lengths of time-there is no qualifying it.
There is no right or wrong way to do it (or not do it) and noone else can tell you if it is right or wrong, its so personal.

Its just that some people don't get over a miscarriage, but I felt heartless.

I think also that the fact I concieved Dd1 the month the baby was due helped. I sometimes think that I would like a rose bush or something planted but I'm not very greenfingered, and tend to kill everything I plant.

I don't think you should consider yourself heartless mieow, I certainly don't. And I think you are wise not to tempt fate with a tree or plant if you are not green-fingered

The reason I am asking, is that I realised this year, that dd2 was born on the day the baby was due (she wasn't due till 26 nov 2001) and it shocked me TBH.

I miscarried at around 8 weeks in Sept 2001 - I was devastated at the time. But it is all very confusing as dd2 was conceived in the following January so if I had carried the Sept pg through until term, dd2 would never have been born - which is an even more upsetting prospect. So I feel very conflicted when I feel a bit sad in May (original due date).

I concieved dd1 the month the baby was due (october) so that is very strange for me, thinking I wouldn't have my beautiful bethie, and the fact that dd2 was actually born on the due date of the baby (3rd oct) is hard to think about.

oh its all so bloody confusing . Best not to dwell and go and buy a box of chocoaltes and eat them on the sofa under a blanket with your dds while watching Cinderella (a cure-all Chez Enid)

It was only last week, that I realised dd2 was born on the due date, I didn't even think about for 4 years!! I think its because I have the date 28th feb as the day I lost the baby. I don't think about it all the time, until someone mentions that I have been pregnant 3 times, then I correct them and say 4 times.

I never bother correcting people but I did have to tell my midwife recently and it felt weird.

It is strange isn't it Enid, knowing that child would have been 6 now!! DS knows I lost a baby, he mentions it sometimes, and I find that strange. And on my hospital notes seeing 3+1 is strange.

yes it is weird. In fact, although you think you dont grieve you probably would fall apart if you dwelt on it (I think i would tbh) so you tend to ignore it. What else can you do? Life goes on.

i miscarried twice when trying for ds, first at 11wks, second at only 7wks. i felt miserable about it at the time, and obviously very nervous whilst pg, but now he has arrived, i don't grieve anymore. i know he is the one we were meant to have.

i don't think you're heartless at all, you have 3 lovely kids (and one angel).

it's people who have miscarried and have no children that i feel for the most.

true, oh well, I guess we all do things differently and I dealt with it at the time, it did take me a few months to get over it, and if I saw a pregnant woman I would burst into tears, but I went on to have my beautiful girls and I am so happy with them (even if they do drive me nuts sometimes!!)

LK, I know what you mean. I have a friend who had one miscariage, one etopic pregnancy and then she had a beautiful baby boy who sadly died at 4 months old. She has PCOS now and can't get pregnant again, how can I be upset about my miscarriage when I have 3 children, who are my world, when she has nothing!??

SM - I don't even remember what time of year I had my mc!

I was only 16 and didn't know it was a miscarriage until well after the fact.

I think I understand you, spooklymieow. Anyway, I feel more-or-less the same. I've just miscarried at 7w, and a friend (who has had a similar experience) told dh to give me an extra-special hug on the due date. I understand where she's coming from, but, TBH, I don't think I want that. I don't want to prolong the grief. I've got two children, and whether or not we ever have more, I want to dwell on the blessings I have, not on what might have been.

Of course, come the due date, if I'm not pg, I may well grieve - but let that be an end to it. Life goes on.

sm I m/c around the same time as you, I still remember the day I was due and I just think what might of been
I have an apple tree in garden which reminds me.

I miscarried at 8 weeks too, but hardly ever think about it.

If you think back to our mothers day you couldn't even have a test until you had missed two periods, so how many women then had miscarriages and didn't even know about it?

Gosh SM I m/c at 8 weeks in 2001 and I can't even remember what month it happened or when I would have been due.

I think early m/c affect people differently and it probably depends on other factors. Had my first pregnancy been a m/c I know I would have been far more upset than I was (it was 2nd pregnancy).

No, you're definitely not heartless.