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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

advice re telling children

17 replies

ladyoftheday · 08/02/2011 20:13

Hi, I hope you don't mind me asking you for advice. Tomorrow I have to tell 3 children who are currently in care that their mum has died suddenly. They have no other family at all. They have not been in care very long.

I would really appreciate any advice on how I can break this horrific news to them. The last thing I want is to make it any worse.

Thank you.

OP posts:

scurryfunge · 08/02/2011 20:16

How old are they?
What do they already know about the situation?
What information are you able to give them about future care?

Very sad.

exexpat · 08/02/2011 20:28

If you have time, try calling Winston's Wish in the morning - they are a child bereavement charity, their helpline is 08452 03 04 05 and it will be open from 9am tomorrow. You might find it useful to read through some of the basic advice on their website first.

I don't think there is any easy way you can tell them to make it better, because any way you look at it, it is devastating news. I would say just be as honest as you can, answer their questions, and give them a cuddle if you can. In my experience, they will probably be very worried about what will happen to them next, so if you can give them any reassurance on that, it would be good.

Telling my children that DH had died was the worst thing I ever had to do. I don't envy you your job tomorrow.

Original poster

ladyoftheday · 08/02/2011 20:48

Thank you for your replies. I have been on the Winston's Wish website and there is some excellent advice, I will call them in the morning, thanks for that link.

They are aged between 9-12. They are totally unaware tonight. Future care - well there are no other family members at all so they will now have to stay in foster care. Mum has committed suicide so it is really horrendous.

Thanks for advice about thinking about what will happen next. I will spend some time tonight working out what I can say regarding that.

Its so unbelievably sad. They are wonderful children :(

OP posts:

scurryfunge · 08/02/2011 20:53

Oh lady, I feel for you. What a dreadful situation for you all to be in. Honesty is best and of course it depends on what the children's beliefs may be.

If they have a religious background it is sometimes easier to explain what has happened. I have no belief in religion at all and would probably come across as quite matter of fact (callous?) about what has happened.

I hope you are able to resolve this in the best way for these children.

Abr1de · 08/02/2011 20:58

How very, very sad for them. Poor little things. THey are fortunate to have you to be with them. You sound very sensitive and kind.

Snuppeline · 08/02/2011 21:10

The age of the children mean that they will understand things differently, you might want to think about how much you disclose to the 9 year old and what words you use to that child. However, the 12 year old will be quite clued up and might read between the lines or even ask you 'aggressive' questions depending on how he/she reacts there and then. Be prepared for anger, accusations and the like in addition to tears. Make sure they understand that its not their fault in anyway (they might be worried that mummy took her life because they had been taken away, or because they weren't there to look after her - depending on the circumstances around her suicide and the fact that the children are in care). Don't discount how much guilt young and adolescent children can feel, it can really breake them, so deal with that.

In addition to the future aspect which I agree they will want to be reassured about they will probably also want to know what happens next to their mummy. Will they be allowed to see her, go to her funeral, say goodbye in another way etc.

Lastly, can you get them bereavement councelling? I should think they will need that. Good luck tomorrow, will be thinking of you and the children.

WhoMovedMyCheeseToast · 08/02/2011 21:14

I have no advice, but God Bless you and good luck tomorrow. xx

onimolap · 08/02/2011 21:22

I want to say something supportive - not sure I have the words, as it's such an amazingly difficult thing to do: but the thought is there.

The one piece of advice I have is to avoid using the term "lost": both as it touches the general warning to children about "not getting lost" (though this is probably more directly relevant for smaller children), but also it implies someone who can be found again.

If you want support, I would also recommend the Samaritans. They're not an advice line (though may be able to signpost others), but their listening can help very much in any circumstances which touch suicide.

quitescared · 08/02/2011 21:36

Winston's Wish are great and there is another organisation called 'Grief Encounter' (or Grief Encounters) which is also wonderful.

I also have a list somewhere of 'workbooks' (if you know what I mean) and storybooks to help children understand death and work through grief. Don't want to overload you if you're not at that stage yet, but post back if you'd like info.

I hope tomorrow goes as well as it possibly can - I remember the day I had to tell my son his sister was going to die. Horrific.

Original poster

ladyoftheday · 08/02/2011 21:40

Thanks for your support.

snuppeline I am so aware that these kids will most likely blame themselves. I desperately want to avoid this but I know its going to be a long and difficult journey. We will do our best tomorrow to make sure they know that, but the situation is complicated and I know that despite our efforts it is very likely they will blame themselves :(

I have spoken to our local CAMHS team and they are ready to support with the bereavement counselling service.

Really good point about seeing their mummy. I will talk to my manager about that first, they will want to say goodbye won't they.

onimo that makes sense. We have been advised to be very clear so they cannot mis-understand. Equally terms like 'gone to sleep' are not helpful are they. Thank you.

Thank you for all your comments. I will let you know how it goes.

OP posts:

Jammygal · 08/02/2011 21:50

Another vote for Winston's wish here too. They will help you and the kids deal with the complexities of suicide.
The kids will be able to get free support from WWish, counselling and the chance to go to Camp Winston.
Please talk to WW first as they will help to reassure you and prepare yourself with some useful tips etc.
One other thing please don't use the phrase 'commit' suicide. She has taken her life but she has not 'committed' a crime. WW will tell you this too ;)
lots of love and all the best for tomorrow x
Remember to look after you too....this is heavy stuff!

harecare · 08/02/2011 21:56

A friend's husband committed suicide and she explained it really well that he was very ill - with depression and it was the illness that made him do it, not anything to do with her/his young children.
Poor things, I can't imagine how awful it must be for them, I hope they have lovely foster carers.

Thornton77 · 08/02/2011 23:20

I just want to say that I'm thinkingnof you and the children tomorrow.

Original poster

ladyoftheday · 09/02/2011 20:59

Hi all

Thank you for your kind words and thoughts. I really appreciate you sharing your experiences and also guiding me in this.

It was, unsurprisingly, the most difficult thing I have had to do. The kids were devastated. We were very clear and they understood as much as was appropriate to share. They are brave souls though and are staying where they are for the foreseeable future which is good.

Thank you snuppeline for mentioning that they might want to see her body. The little girl did ask to see her and I don't think I would've been prepared for that had you not mentioned it. We've said that we will have to think about it because I don't think she understands what her mum will be like, if you see what I mean. Also, it might not be possible anyway.

Heavy stuff indeed. Thank you for your support. We gave them plenty of cuddles and they have lots of support through wonderful schools. It was a very difficult morning and we were all in tears, but its done now and hopefully we can now start to helping them heal.

OP posts:

exexpat · 09/02/2011 21:49

Well done for getting through it. Sounds like it went as well as it could have under the circumstances. I hope you have someone to give you a cuddle and/or a glass of wine this evening.

About seeing the body - I didn't let my DCs see DH after he died. They were only 3 and 8 at the time, and I thought it was better for them to remember the happy, smiling father who had waved them off to school in the morning, rather than the strange-coloured, cold figure on the trolley, with blood around his nose etc from the tubes and efforts to resuscitate him. Possibly if she can be made to look just 'sleeping' it might be OK, but I think it would be very difficult for the children, specially if they hadn't seen her for a bit before she died. But Winston's Wish may be better able to advise on that.

Abr1de · 10/02/2011 07:59

Poor you. What a day.

Jammygal · 10/02/2011 13:49

The important thing is that the kids are given all the choices regarding seeing the body, going to the funeral etc. There is no right or wrong thing for them to do provided they are given all the choices. My friend's ds regretted not seeing his dad's body but was given the choice which is all you can do.

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