Guidance please

[dothenumbers]

Hello all.

I'm looking for some help here and I guess there must be plenty of people that can point me in the right direction.

My wife's mother has had fairly aggressive MS and has recently deteriorated very quickly. In short, the doctor's have said there is very little more they can do and we will have to accept this.
The relentless nature of MIL's condition has clearly been affecting DW a lot more than she has let on over recent years. DW and MIL are exceptionally close. They are both very, very kind and giving people and DW is really struggling with the injustice of life.
DW has never been a particularly open communicator (she says this herself) and over recent years this has got worse. I am at the other extreme and like to talk about everything, maybe a bit too much. That doesn't mean that I think I communicate well, just that I try and make the communication happen (not always a good thing).
My wife admitted a few weeks ago that she thinks she may be depressed (given the general wide spectrum of depression I think this is a certainty), mainly by MIL's situation and also by the sheer pressure of raising 4 children aged 6 down to 2.
I have been seeing a counsellor for a year to deal with my stresses and strains and DW and I have talked about DW doing the same with a different counsellor. DW waxes and wanes on this and generally feels uncomfortable opening up to strangers. She has plenty of friends but does not talk to them about her problems. She feels like she is burdening other people, but she is always happy to help anyone who needs help.
I need advice on two particular points. Firstly, if anyone can point me in the direction of threads or websites offering guidance on dealing with bereavement or helping someone else deal with bereavement, that would be most helpful. Secondly, I would like guidance on how I can help DW to open up. I realise I can't force her open up, but if there is anything we can do to ease the burden, whether it be by helping her be comfortable in getting a counsellor involved, by me backing off completely or anything else, we are open minded to it.
Thanks for your help.

i dont have any advice but i am sure someone will be along in a minute, i am sorry about your circumstances

If DW is waxing and waning about seeing a counsellor, she could dip a toe in the water with the idea by phoning one and fixing up a free consultation (many of them do it.)

Don't get me wrong, making that first phonecall is a very big deal and quite hard, imho.

Something else that may ease the day to day pressure a bit is seeing if there's a possibility of getting help with the kids. e.g. help with the school runs/after school clubs etc. Just so her workload isn't so huge she doesn't have time to herself.

I went through a stage in life where I didn't talk to my friends about things either - I thought I'd be boring them (in my case, low self esteem!) The thing is, people often LOVE to help. Look at some of the amazing advice and support you (sometimes) get on Mumsnet! If she's been bottling things up for some time, she may not know where to start with talking. It can all just feel like one big lump in your heart. How do you begin to unpick that without overwhelming one person?

TBH, I think counselling could be amazing for her. I went for a while about 9 years ago, and I found it utterly transformation, though hard at times.

We have to respect the fact, though, that the talking approach really isn't for everyone. Just some help with day to day tasks might be a good start if she feels a bit put off by the offer of chat. If you and her collaborate more on tasks, then sometimes that's a less confrontational way for her to open up. The bond and trust may strengthen for her, and with that she may feel safe enough that she can be vulnerable in front of you and it's OK.

MissM, Thanks so much for the reply.
I will suggest a phone call with a counsellor. Good idea.

Regarding getting help, my wife has never been comfortable with getting any sort of help with the house/children. We dont have any money worries and could afford nanny, cleaner, mother's help, or all of the above but she is just not comfortable with it. She also finds it difficult to ask friends for help, but will offer her help all over the place (she is currently taking a single mum's child to school most days as single mum has just returned to work).
I think she feels like a failure if she accepts help from people. I do whatever I can to help out, evenings and mornings. I take care of the children every morning, (breakfast, dressed, teeth, packed lunch, reading) ready for DW to take them to school.
I certainly think she has self esteem issues and puts too much pressure on herself. (Actually both apply to me as well, and I am trying to address with my counsellor at the moment).
I think you are right that doing more of the day to day tasks together might help. My natural reaction is to take as much of the pressure away from her as possible, ie let her sleep in, or put her feet up in the evenings, but I guess if we do more together that might help the interaction.

Thanks again

What she is doing isn't your fault. Be nice to yourself, you obviously care very much about her.

Some people choose a very high level of momentum in their lives because there's stuff they're avoiding. Being terribly busy just masks it all. And the longer it has been that way, the more 'stuff' gets accumulated in that cupboard at the back of you head.

The thought of unpacking it all can be a bit like having to clear out the loft after 40 years - a sense of dread. It's easier to close the door on it all, especially if you're scared of the emotional backlash when it all unravels..

Yeah, I suggest doing more stuff together. And also drop into conversation now and again what you have been getting out of counselling. Make the benefits sound concrete rather than terribly emotionally-based. e.g. 'I'm finding it so much easier to concentrate at work now that I've been getting stuff off my chest'.

Good luck!

What you've said rings true - she said once that she is scared of talking because she doesn't know what might come out. Sounds just like having to clear out the loft!
Thanks again.

I remember starting counselling and being worried that everything would come out of the cupboard all at once (if you see what I mean). The counsellor said that it would actually be like sorting out an enormous jumbled ball of wool. We would start with one colour to start with and gradually unwind it, and then tie it up again in a neater ball before starting on something else.

This made perfect sense to me, and allowed me to start the process which initially felt so overwhelming.

This is a link to the British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy. It explains about all the different types of counselling available, and if you click on the "Find a therapist" button, you can do a geographical search for counsellors in your area.

You sound lovely, and very supportive.

Thanks Littlefish. I like the ball of wool analogy.

Anyone out there that can point me in the direction of some guidance on helping partners/others with bereavement?