Any advice for a new parent to 3 recently bereaved kids?

[henrysmate]

Hello All,

Huge post alert.

I'm brand new here, and I've messed up a bit already, I posted this earlier in a general parenting sections, but have beeen asked to re-post here.

I recently started looking after 3 gorgeous boys following the death of thier beautiful mother, my sister (dad isn't part of the picture and hasn't been for a long time). She died in September and the boys came to live with us the following week.

This has all been planned for a long time (she spent the last 4 years of her life battling cancer) and while both they and I were prepared by her for this big change, it's hitting us all rather hard. We've done all the legal stuff and have of course involved the local authorities, but I wondered if any of you experienced parents out there have any words of wisdom for me?

The boys are 11 and 8 (the youngest are twins) and I don't have any kids of my own, so all of a sudden I've got a ready-made, very sad and chaotic family, I think we're all finding it a bit overwhelming. My OH is being wonderful and I do have the support of the rest of the family, but sadly they don't live close by.

Apart from general parenting advice (NOW I know why mums have such big handbags...) - does anyone have any tips on handling grief? We're on the waiting list for some family counselling, but this could take anything up to six months apparently, that's just too long for little 'uns IMHO.

I've had to move them out of thier home and to a new town, a new school, the lot - which is hard enough for them, but on top of losing mum and yet another rejection from dad, they're just bereft and I feel like I'm failing them emotionally. The eldest boy in particular is taking it all very hard and just will not talk about anything, the funeral, missing his mum, nothing - and I'm starting to get really worried.

I've already been pointed in the direction of Winston's Wish. Private counselling isn't an option as my OH has given up work for a few months while the boys settle in so money is pretty tight.

So, any advice would be really appreciated - thanks (and sorry again for the enormo-post).

henrysmate - yes, it's a very sad 'role call' :(

It's lovely that your OH has known the boys since the eldest was a tot and the others from birth :)

It is a shame they had to move, but you had to do what was best for them and if you needed to stay where you are then that's what had to happen :( I'm sure you'd have moved if you could have.

What a lovely thing to have left for you. I can't even begin to imagine how hard it was for her to have written, but also how comforting. It will be a lovely thing for the boys to have when they are grown as well.

Keep in touch, it would be lovely to know how you are doing x

Hi Henrysmate.
Well done for you for doing this for your sister and her boys. I won't tell you that you are doing a wonderful job, but I'll tell you that you are doing a good enough job (that's my parenting mantra anyway!)

We have a local hospice near to us and they have a bereavement counsellor who goes into local schools and offers workshops/support etc. Was your sister in a hospice at the end? If so, they might have some advice, or a more local one may be able to help you.

And, did they have any hobbies/acticities that they liked to do (football club/swimming lessons etc) I would try to keep busy and active and meeting people (but what do I know?)

Good luck.

Will do CIMSM, thanks for that

I can't imagine how much it cost her to have written the manual for us either. I knew nothing about it until after she'd died either, that's just a tiny measure of how amazing she was, so incredibly strong and generous, but it'e an incredible comfort to us all now.

Hi there NonnoMum, thanks for that, good enough sounds good to me right now (weak smile, there should be an emoticon for that...). My sister wasn't in a hospice, mum and I looked after her, but she did have hospice support, so I know how lovely they are. I never thought about contacting another one locally though, is that OK do you think?

As for the boys' hobbies, they're in scouts and swimming like they were at home before and they've taken up surfing with the OH now too (as well as car maintainance of course) so am trying to keep them occupied, but any more suggestions would be really welcome, thanks .

You sound amazing. Good luck with everything.

Lurve the mini thang.

Try the local hospice. They can only say no can't they? (Bet they wont though).

Good luck.

Wow, HM I think you have done an amazing thing. Out of a terribly sad situation those 3 boys will know they are loved immensely. My sister also has 3 kids and I am the appointed legal guardian. I can't even begin to imagine what it would be like in reality to do what you have done. I just hope I would come even slightly close to managing it as well as you and your OH have. I just wanted to add another message of love and support for what you're doing xxx

Oh my god HM I just wanted to add my voice to the many before me who have said you're absolutely amazing.

What a rollercoaster ride your family has been on in the last few years. You sound like you're all doing brilliantly and if these last few months (?) are anything to go by, the kids will cope (with your help) with everything life has and will throw at them.

I would be so overwhelmed in your shoes and I have huge admiration for you and your OH.

Have just read this thread in complete wonderment, what an amazing person you are to be doing this. Plenty of people with or without children woudnt hav wanted to take on 3 boys.
Youre sister must have been very proud of you

Where in wales r u?

Hello again everyone, sorry, not been able to get near a computer for ages (one of the joys of living with boys I've discovered!). I'd just like to thank you all for your support and the lovely things you've said. I really don't feel like I deserve it though, I'm so not amazing. Having the boys with us is the greatest, most comforting thing in the world, I can't imagine how I'd have coped if they weren't here now. Every time I've been just about to fall apart, one of them will wrap his little arms around me and suddenly I can see straight again. So not meaning to sound rude, but it's them that's amazing I think :)

I did try the local hospice thanks NonnoMum and you were right, they've put me on to all sorts of help locally that no-one else seemed to know about - so thanks again for that.

Hi there mosschops, afraid of outing myself in RL, we live in a smallish place - but South Wales if that helps?

Nice to hear from you again :)

It's good you've found other help locally.

How's the car coming along?

Hey there missmop :) How are you?

The car's coming along thanks I think but it's a long job, it really is a wreck. I try and keep out of it to be honest. I got them some overalls to do thier tinkering in though, I was going mental with all the washing. They made a small boy stupidly happy and a not-so-small boy strangely proud, it's lovely watching them together. The wee guy I was worried about is starting to relax a little maybe, OH says they do a lot of talking in there. Well, you know, for boys. It's a start though eh? :)

I'm not having as much 'little boy love & fun' as you are, but I'm getting by! :) I have my friends 4 year old boy a bit this week and he's a cuddly little chatter box, so that's nice :)

Your OH is lovely isn't he :) I think it was an absolutely brilliant idea to get the car and it's good that it's a long term project but with achievements all the way through it... like life really! It's a great way of bonding for them.

I bet the overalls have made all three of you very happy!!! I can just picture their faces when they put them on :) Lovely.

How are the twins coping with the 'car project' - do they want one too?

Your a fantastic aunt and the boys are very lucky to have you and your dh to support them. My mother was gravely ill from when I was 8 and I did eventually loose her. Based on my experiences I would like to just say that I wasn't sure if talking about mom and how I felt was okay. So make that explicit that it is okay, make sure you take the initiative and say things like "oh remember when we did this or that with your mom" or "your mom would be so proud, I know I am" or tell them stories from when you and your mom were little.

I know other posters have mentioned play and the importance that has to children. This is true but in my case I often felt a tremendous guilt if I had had fun. It was sort of "I've just laughed and my mother is ill/passed away". Address that with them and say things like "your mom would want you to have fun" or "when you are playing and having fun your mom will be having fun right along side you".

I wish you all the best in this difficult time.

Just read this thread and as a mother, sister and aunt I can only add my admiration to what others have aid. You are teaching these boys that there can be a new beginning and that families love and support each other. That is such an important message for them to take through thier lives.
Two thoughts - don't forget to tell them lots of funny stories about when you and your sister were kids and about what she was like as a teenager, the decisions she made as an adult about work, study and love etc. All the stuff that she would have gradually filled them in on as they get older.

My friend lost her husband when her kids were very small and one of the things she was told and lived through is that they keep experiencing the loss of a parent at every milestone of their life. So as they move through puberty and on down the educational track, each stage may bring fresh grief. They may take this out on you and your lovely OH.

You sound like such an amazing person that you will deal with this beautifully - just wanted to alert you to it.

Hi again missmop (hope you don't mind that abbrev by the way?), hope you enjoyed your cuddles :) Yep, the OH is a bit of a star, he's being so strong for us all, I've really been amazed at how inventive he's been with forming this new relationship with the boys. And no, the twins so far don't want a project, they're just happy that the oldest leave his PC for them while he's in the garage! They spend thier time playing games online against eachother while they're at the kitchen table.

Thanks for the advice Snuppeline and saffronwblue, I do try and do that and sometimes I worry that I'm reminding them too often of Mum - the worry/guilt/worry cycle never ends does it? I'll keep it up though, they're very hungry for tales of Mum in good times rather than in illness and I'm pretty sure they'll let me know if I'm overdoing it.

Hello again. So lovely to hear things are going well. You and your OH sound fantastic. Your OH has thought of a great idea. It's often easier to talk about big stuff when you're fiddling about with little stuff - I talked a lot about mum's dementia whilst podding peas. It's good to hear your updates. Come back again soon and good thoughts to you all. Well done...

Henrysmat - I've only read half the thread as I couldn't see through my tears when I got to the bit about the old mini! Your story is so sad and you sound a fantastic Aunty. How amazing to go from zero children to three boys. Can I recommend Steve Biddulph's Raising Boys?

www.amazon.co.uk/Raising-Boys-Different-Become-Well-Balanced/dp/0007153694/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1301514948&sr=8-1

I imagine you won't have much time to read these days, but it might be useful to dip in to and I think it might be in there that I read that boys open up more when they are doing something along side an adult (like your OH with his mini) than through directly looking at someone.

Your OH sounds amazing too - good luck to you both.

Hi Henrysmate - sorry, I didn't see your post! My 'Threads I'm on' moves too fast!

I had lovely cuddles with my friends DS :) I have had another friends 10 month old boy a lot this week - he is just devine & very snuggly!! I seem to be doing well for little boy cuddles lately

How did your weekend away go (when you went back where they used to live)?

I'll be thinking of you all this weekend - it will be a tough one for you all, but hopefully you can find a lovely way to remember your sister/their Mum x