Any advice for a new parent to 3 recently bereaved kids?

[henrysmate]

Hello All,

Huge post alert.

I'm brand new here, and I've messed up a bit already, I posted this earlier in a general parenting sections, but have beeen asked to re-post here.

I recently started looking after 3 gorgeous boys following the death of thier beautiful mother, my sister (dad isn't part of the picture and hasn't been for a long time). She died in September and the boys came to live with us the following week.

This has all been planned for a long time (she spent the last 4 years of her life battling cancer) and while both they and I were prepared by her for this big change, it's hitting us all rather hard. We've done all the legal stuff and have of course involved the local authorities, but I wondered if any of you experienced parents out there have any words of wisdom for me?

The boys are 11 and 8 (the youngest are twins) and I don't have any kids of my own, so all of a sudden I've got a ready-made, very sad and chaotic family, I think we're all finding it a bit overwhelming. My OH is being wonderful and I do have the support of the rest of the family, but sadly they don't live close by.

Apart from general parenting advice (NOW I know why mums have such big handbags...) - does anyone have any tips on handling grief? We're on the waiting list for some family counselling, but this could take anything up to six months apparently, that's just too long for little 'uns IMHO.

I've had to move them out of thier home and to a new town, a new school, the lot - which is hard enough for them, but on top of losing mum and yet another rejection from dad, they're just bereft and I feel like I'm failing them emotionally. The eldest boy in particular is taking it all very hard and just will not talk about anything, the funeral, missing his mum, nothing - and I'm starting to get really worried.

I've already been pointed in the direction of Winston's Wish. Private counselling isn't an option as my OH has given up work for a few months while the boys settle in so money is pretty tight.

So, any advice would be really appreciated - thanks (and sorry again for the enormo-post).

I don't have any great advice I'm afraid, I just wanted to say what an amazing and generous thing you are doing and I hope you all come through this difficult transition.

Wow, big life change for you, how are you coping? First of all, good for you taking them on. Second, it's going to take time, a lot of time and then a bit more time when they get a bit older. Take it slow. Oldest will open up, maybe not to you, but perhaps to your partner? To a teacher? To someone else. Doesn't matter, so long as he does eventually. Make sure you are available to talk, whenever they want to (by the way, they will never want to talk when it's convenient for you, only when it isn't). Have you tried to access couselling through the school? We have a family liaison worker at our school who is very good and can refer.
Stick to a schedule, kids like routine and stability. Also stick to your guns, there are rules and they have to follow them. No matter what they've been through, they have to respect the rules. And be prepared for occasional tears at really inconvenient times. And let it happen, they need to cry sometimes (even in the middle of someone elses wedding when you could really do without it). Good luck.

As with the previous post, I don't have anything to offer in terms of advice, except stick with it, be there for them, give them the love they need but don't wait for it to be given back. I wonder if your GP can offer you any advice on groups for support? Well done to you for everything you are doing. x

hi

I'm not a mum or a counsellor, but I've spent the last year working with a team of Paediatric Chaplains on a series of books for children, including one for children bereaved through loss of a sibling. I know it's not the exact same situation, but I though some of what they've written might help you so here's some of the advice the chaplains wrote for the book, including some organisations which might be useful to you:

How should I answer my child?s questions?

How much your child understands about death will depend on age and other experiences of life. If your child asks questions, listen carefully to the words he or she uses and try to answer questions by giving them the information asked for, keeping your answers reassuring, simple, honest, direct and consistent.

How will my child grieve?

When a child knows that his or her sister or brother has died and is not coming back, she or he is are likely to experience grief for themselves and because they sense your loss as well. In many ways your child?s feelings are similar to those you are experiencing as a parent, and trying to protect your child is understandable. If you can share your feelings with your child this may help, because keeping information from them may make them more anxious.

Be careful of using euphemisms: although it can seem more gentle to describe death as sleeping, it can confuse the sibling, as they think this is what may happen to them if they go to sleep. Assure your child that his or her brother or sister is safe with Jesus, that she or he will see the brother or sister again onw day, and that being a brother or sister is for ever.

How can I help my child?

Grieving brothers and sisters need:

? routines to remain as stable as possible

? opportunities to express their feelings and adults who will express their own emotions

? opportunities to play and enjoy activities they have previously shared with their sibling.

Play is how children make sense of the world around them so it is important that they have the opportunity to play freely if they are to gain an appropriate level of understanding about what is happening to themselves and to the ones they love. During play you may find your child expresses strong emotions. It can be helpful to find words that describe the emotion such as ?big angry?, ?little angry?, ?grumpy?, ?cross?, and so on.

What about you?

It is important to maintain a sense of hope, not only for your children but also for yourself. Faith can provide enormous support and solace. You may find it difficult to pray and inevitably you are likely to ask yourself why it was your child who became ill. Try to find a place where you feel comfortable and safe and in a way that seems right for you to ?let go and let God?. It is amazing how many parents achieve a sense of hopefulness and talk about the grace they received so that they were able to cope.

Activities you may find helpful

? Look through any photo albums and choose some pictures that best depict your favourite memories.

? Make a cake together and decorate it in a way that your think would reflect the likes and interests of the child you have. Light a candle and remember.

? Remember birthdays, anniversaries, and so on, as a family. Be brave in the midst of pain and celebrate the life as well as honouring the pain of loss.

Resources and organisations

? The Bereaved Parent?s Network, part of Care for the Family www.careforthefamily.org.uk/bpn/

? Child Bereavement Charity
Confidential support and information service for bereaved children and families
01494 446648 www.childbereavement.org.uk

? The Child Death Helpline Freephone
A helpline for anyone affected by the death of a child of any age
0800 282 986 www.childdeathhelpline.org.uk

? Supportline: confidential emotional support for children, young people or adults: 01708 765200 www.supportline.org.uk

Hello there - that's very kind of you, but it's hardly a selfless thing, they're utterly wonderful kids - and I get to stay close to them this way. Thanks for the good wishes though, this is an amazing place, the kindness of strangers is an incredible thing.

My mum died from lung cancer when I was 19, my sister was 12.
My parents were divorced, dad was still around and looking after my sister (I was at uni).

It takes time. Even though they, and you, will have processed some of the loss while your sister was ill, there is still lots to 'work through' (sounds so cod-psychology, sorry).

Just being there for them to talk to - and your OH being there too (may be easier for the older boy to talk to a man...), but not constanting telling them they can talk/should talk etc.

Oh, god, so hard. Just know, it does get better. It will obviously never be 'ok' that their mum died, but they will get to a point where they can carry on with everyday life without it being an issue each day.

Good luck and big hugs from me, must be so hard to have lost your sister let alone have to cope with a new family and support 3 boys who have lost their mum. My dad died when I was 12 and 25 years later it's still a big part of who I am. There are some things that my mum could have done differently that would have really helped me, although obviously she was struggling too. Thought they might help you.
Talk about your sister normally, make her part of your day-to-day lives. It might be painful to start with.
Try and keep in touch wih some friends from their old home. We lost touch with all my dad's side of the family and I feel that was a big loss.
Keep as many of her things as you can for them, particularly anything with her writing on, video, photos etc is more obvious.
I echo what others have said about letting them show their grief whenever and however, Especially in years to come.
You sound like you are a wonderful aunty so they are already incredibly lucky to have you. Make sure you and your dh have a good support from friends etc as this will be tough for you too.

Sorry again, my last post was directed at nannynobnobs, I really wasn't prepared for so many replies so quickly.

Thanks to you all for your advice and for sharing all your experiences, especially the personal tales from your childhoods. And great advice soandsosmum too, huge thanks for that.

Can I ask where you are in the country?

Winstons Wish will fund you if you are in Gloucestershire or parts of Sussex. You can go to your GP and apply for funding from your Local Health Board for referral to wwish. It just depends on your local area and the money available.

Have you tried winston's wish helpline they will advise you on all issues and may even send you some resources etc. Have you had a look at their website, that is also good.
Good Luck and stay strong ....you are a brilliant sister and aunt ;)

Wow, what a coincidence...I thought you may be a lady my DH and I know who has just done a very similar thing....her sister died in childbirth 8 years ago, at the same time as our friend was having her second dc. The sister's best friend took the 3 children ( newborn, two and 5 year old) in (father basically disappeared). She brought them up but very sadly died of cancer a few months ago. The three children have now come to live with our friends and their 2 DC's. They must be going through so many similar things to you...would it be helpful if I see if she would like to be in touch with you or is that a strange idea?

Hi Jammygal, we're in Wales, so I'll have to figure out in the morning if we qualify for funding - thanks for the tip though.
Hi too sleepwhenidie, wow, what a rough ride those poor little things have had! But yes speaking to someone in a similar position would be fantastic if they're up for it, thanks so much.

Henrysmate.....unfortunately you won't get any ww funding in wales but their may be other groups in your area....it would be worth going and having a chat with your GP about a referral. Give WW a call they will fill you in with the details...Good Luck and remember to look after yourself too :)

Hi again everyone, thought I'd just post a quick update as you'd all been so kind and generous with your advice. Things have been moving so quickly that I've barely had time to look at a PC, let alone write, but I've got a quiet moment at last.

The boys have all started settling into thier new routines, they've joined scouts, started swimming clubs and are making new friends so much quicker than I imagined was possible. I raised the whole counselling thing with them over dinner one night, tried to be all casual about it of course but I was quickly informed that it wasn't what they were after - at least for now, they just want to be normal they said. They've had enough of outsiders for now, they've seen enough of nurses, doctors and well-meaning friends, just want to be left alone.

We all planted a "mummy corner" in the garden last weekend and we filled it with all her favourite flowers and plants. The idea is that when any of us (me included) are missing her we can go sit there and be closer to her - they really liked the idea and have started to leave her some extra flowers we pick when we're out with the dogs.

The best idea of all came from my OH though, he's adopted himself and has taken to the eldest boy so much - it's incredible to watch them together. He did something I never thought of, he bought a beaten up old Mini they work on it in the evening together in the garage. While they've been tinkering, the wee boy I was so worried about has started to open up and talk to him about things, so I'm a lot less worried now. So I'm really hopeful now that he at least feels he can chat, I know it's early days, but it's a start.

Anyway, I'll stop rambling, but I did want to thank you all again, it meant a lot to me when I was at a loss.

What a lovely post HM,glad things are settling down a little.Re counselling etc,my dp died last year and I occasionally bring this up with ds and he has always refused up to now.It is nearly 9 months now and he has been amazingly resilient,talks about daddy etc,last week he had his first huge meltdown and just cried and cried.Very upsetting,but i think he needed it.Sometimes the grief can hit at random moments for them and i think all you can do is be there to support and pick up the pieces.I guess each child will be different in how they express their grief.You sound like a fabulous person who is doing a wonderful job xxx

I'm so sorry for your loss ME. I'll keep an eye on the boys, they've not done the meltdown thing yet and I think I was expecting them to do it earlier I guess. How are you doing now?

Wow, this has made me want to cry. You both sound lovely. The children are clearly in good hands.

www.winstonswish.org.uk/ are brilliant in this area and offer real practical support for bereaved children as well as having a useful website.

Henrysmate - :( so very sorry to hear about your sister x It's a bastard disease stealing people from us far, far too soon :(

Are you finding some space to deal with your own grief?

Your OH sounds absolutely lovely - a real keeper!!

The boys will all deal with it in their own ways, all you can do is do what you have been doing so well already :) Keep talking about her, make sure they have photos etc if they want them. Periodically offer them ways & opportunities to speak to trained people about their Mum & her death - how they feel etc They really do need an outsider to offload to - drawing therapy is good. How far away from 'home' have they had to move? Is it possible to have any of their old friends come for a sleep-over or for them to go to theirs? It's a lot of loss to lose their Mum, friends, school, clubs & parents of friends and their Mums friends - poor little fellas :( Life really is shit sometimes isn't it. However, I am sure they couldn't possibly be any more loved and cared for/about than they are with you and together you will all learn to live life in a different way xxx

raising boys by stephen biddulph might be worth getting from the library. its pretty good for some basic parenting tips

I've been all over the WW site thanks candleshoe, it's a great one isn't it? Someone else suggested that the night I posted and it's been really useful.

And yes CIMSM, it's a sod of a disease, have you been affected by it too? I'm finding that having the boys has been the best and most amazing therapy for my own grief, I see her in them every day and that's such a huge comfort to me - she was always the better half of me and it's so wonderful to have them close now she's gone. My own OH is just great though, you're so right, there was never any question from him that we'd take them, he's been wonderful (and I tell him that every day ). We moved them from Scotland to Wales, so yes, it's been a huge wrench for them - we've had some of thier friends over for visits already but it's been hard I realise. We're going to thier old home town this weekend for a visit though, just to see everyone they know, so we're keeping them in touch with all thier friends.

Thanks kalo12, I'll look that one up

This touched a nerve with me because I've just made my will and have asked my sister to step in 'in the event of ...' It is a BIG ASK isn't it. She is single and career driven and I don't know how she'd cope.

Best wishes to you - just don't put too much pressure on yourself to be brilliant - adequate will be fine until you all find your feet.

That was me candleshoe, my darling sister was the one who always wanted kids and I just didn't - I had my career and have travelled for the last 20 years or more instead. But taking on the kids has been the best thing I've ever done. I'm not kidding myself that I'll be brilliant at it, not like she was - I don't know what I'd do without the book she left me (lovingly entitled "Parenting For The Bewildered" - she knew me so well ) but adequate would be great.

henrysmate - I have only just read your thread and as I got to your post today I am in tears. What a wonderful thing you and your OH are doing.

I have had no personnal experience of what you are all going through but just want to say good on you

Henrysmate - who hasn't :( (2 Grandads, 2 Uncles, 1 Aunt, 1 Great Uncle, 3 close friends & many family friends - and of course MN friends) :(

I'm sure you sister was amazing - but I think you are doing yourself a diservice to say she was the better half of you!! You sound lovely & amazing. You are really lucky to have the boys and not to have 'lost them' to their father/fathers side of the family & they are very lucky to have you (and your OH).

How long had you been with your OH before you sister got cancer? It's lovely that there was never any question that you'd have the boys. I bet it gave your sister so much comfort knowing you two would be there for her boys.

Scotland to Wales - pretty big move then :( It's a shame they had to move - but you had to make decisions that worked best for all of you. How are they getting on with their new schools? Are the kids being nice to them?

I hope the weekend goes well. I guess it will be nice and sad all at the same time... pretty much like everything else you do hey. When you are sad you want them there, when you are happy you want them there - you just bloody want them back!!!

'Parenting for the bewildered' is it like a journal/book/help sheet she wrote for you??

You are already doing better than 'adequate'. If they know you love them more than life itself and would do anything for them and will always be there for them - you can't go too far wrong x

Oh CIMSM, what a terrible list, I'm so very sorry.

My OH and I met 10 years ago now and we got to spend lots of time together with my sister before she got ill - and lots of time after that of course. I know she approved of him and that means a lot to both of us now.

It's a real shame we had to move the boys, in a perfect world we wouldn't have, but we both work for ourselves so that just wasn't possible - but we're getting on with it.

And yes, the book she left us is a whole manual for how to raise them - notes to give them on important dates (birthdays, the day they get married etc) but also has in it recipes for thier favourite foods, what to do when each of them are ill - it's an incredible and very comforting thing that she's left for us. In all of this shit, there have been some truly wonderful moments, I feel strangely blessed.