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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

To take my nearly 8 yr old DD to her grandad's funeral?

25 replies

sarinha2203 · 06/02/2011 21:44

My father in law has recently passed away. My eldest DS who is 11 will be joining us at the funeral and my DH thinks our DD should go too but not our DS2 who is 5. DH thinks it would be good for DD to go so she can say goodbye properly. Is she too young??

OP posts:

fishie · 06/02/2011 21:45

ask her. and ds2, bad to be left out but they might prefer not to.

Mutt · 06/02/2011 21:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

beachyhead · 06/02/2011 21:49

I would take her - I didn't take my son at this age and it has affected more than I imagined. He was far closer to her (my mother) than I thought and he is much more sensitive (than I thought).

orangehead · 06/02/2011 21:50

I think yo should explain to her and her son what happens at a funeral and ask them if they want to go.

needsatrim · 06/02/2011 21:50

Do they want to go. Best not to hide it if they are curious. Lots of explanations and encouraging confident talk from family and I hope it could be a character building part of life.
Good luck

Original poster

sarinha2203 · 06/02/2011 21:51

Yes we will have to ask her first...I think she will say she would like to go. As for DS2 do you not think he is too young? Also I think DH's family will not like it if I take him as well, I have a feeling they will think it's wrong etc. Plus I fear they may think they are a burden to their grieving process. (Can you tell I am not sounding to confident and assertive??)

OP posts:

onimolap · 06/02/2011 21:59

What sort of funeral is it? I think going to a service would probably be OK, as long as you know they will either follow the service or do something like read unobtrusively. The actual committal, or the rolling away part of a crematorium service, might be rather harder.

The presence of children at a wake can be very positive.

Would you be able to tailor their presence at different parts?

If they attend, you'll need a back up plan to take them out and occupy them should they become distressed.

Original poster

sarinha2203 · 06/02/2011 22:04

It is a crematorium service...

OP posts:

MummyGil · 06/02/2011 22:16

My own DC have attended funerals, including cremations and graveside burials. At pre-school and primary school age. No age is too young. Death is normal. Grief is part of the human experience. It's a learning opportunity for children. They weren't distressed but they had lots of questions. They are pleased that they saw their much loved relatives through to the end.

BikeRunSki · 06/02/2011 22:17

My nephew came to my dad (his grandad)'s funeral, age 3. It was lovely, very positive, circle of life etc. He was beutifully behaved in the church and broke the very serious atmosphere afterwards. For the same reasons, I will be taking DS (2.5) to his great grandma's funeral next week. Wake him will take books, rice cakes and a couple of toys. He is usually very boisterous, but has always been so overwhelmed by christenings and weddings that he has been still and quiet. If he plays up, I will take him outside to play.

peterpansmum · 06/02/2011 23:24

Def not too young in my opinion... Death and funerals are part of life cycle and children understand far more than adults give them credit for. I would explain what happens and give them all the choice. Ds1 was 4.5 when he came with us to ds2's funeral and that was also at a crematorium. Their imaginations at that age are far worse than any reality. Good luck whatever you decide xxxx

solo · 06/02/2011 23:29

I took my Dd to my Dads funeral when she was 2.8. I was worried that she'd be all over the place, but she just fell asleep. I did feel it was important that she was there as both my Dc's were really really close to their Grandad. Ds was 11.

newportstateofmind · 06/02/2011 23:36

I would certainly take ds (19 months) to a family funeral, for the reasons that others have given - that it's part of life and an important aspect of being part of a family.

I think it is right to explain what is involved and ask them whether they want to go. Beyond that, don't worry about what dh's family think - it's not their decision.

lindsell · 06/02/2011 23:43

I took ds to my fil's funeral at 21 mths, was worried about what dh's family would say but dh wanted him there and actually he was v well behaved and lots of dh's relatives said to me at the wake how lovely to see him there and how fil would have appreciated it.

I think your dd and ds2 are definitely old enough and as others have said they're old enough to be asked whether they want to or not.

cat64 · 07/02/2011 00:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

LittlePushka · 07/02/2011 00:53

Agree very much with mummygil and newportstateof mind - no age is too young as it is such a subjective thing. In my own opinion I think it is important not to make funerals (and I suppose therefore, death) a fearful thing. It is just a thing, ...sad for sure, but not to be feared.

And the thing is that children by their very presence lighten the mood at times - it is no bad thing

My boys were 18mths and 3 at their Grandpa's full military funeral, and their cousins also attended aged 10 and 11. It was right for our family and we really were not concerned what other folk thought about our decision. One of the older children was not sure and initially was going to just come along to the reception. But she came and was pleased that she did.

I hope it goes as well for your family as funerals can.

frostyfingers · 07/02/2011 09:28

I took mine when their grandad died - the youngest was 6, and their cousins who were 6 and 5 went. It was a good thing, as it helped them figure it out and wasn't made into something mysterious IYSWIM.

They also helped grandma, and lightened the mood a little at the wake.

If you feel comfortable taking them, and they want to come then I should take them. However do be prepared to remove them from the service if they become distressed.

I hope it goes ok, and I'm sorry for your loss.

TigersChick · 07/02/2011 09:34

DD is not quite 5 and has, sadly, been to 7 funerals.
I think that it is important to teach children that we need to say goodbye when someone dies and that it is OK to be upset.

However, none of the funerals were for people that she knew very well - mostly her great-grandparents. I don't know if I would feel differently if it was my parents or in laws who had passed away, as I might not cope so well myself at those!
Also, DD is very good at sitting quietly, reading or colouring etc if she was a more restless child then I might feel differently!

sweetiesue · 07/02/2011 17:36

The way we have done it so far (3 funerals in 18mths) are to ask both children (10 & 5) whether they wanted to attend the crematorium and wake, just wake or nothing. On all occasions they have said no thank you to everything but would like to attend when the ashes are interned or scattered. Their grandfather died just before xmas and his ashes are being scattered at some point around Easter at a woodland cemetery near us - therefore highlighting the circle of life cos he will be helping to make the woodland beautiful. Hope that helps, bit garbled sorry!

sarahtigh · 07/02/2011 19:14

I did not go to my grandfathers funeral was about 9 have regretted not going when my brother died I was 18 so went my youngest sistrer 7 went to service but not grave I would take them

Jammygal · 07/02/2011 22:32

Choice is the way....she is 8 and should be given the choice as she will only get one chance to go to her Grandad's funeral. Be honest and tell her what it will be like etc
Answer all her questions with honesty.

It is a sad time for all but an inevitable part of living.

Original poster

sarinha2203 · 07/02/2011 23:11

I have asked both of them if they would like to go after explaining it to them and answering their questions. They both want to join their older brother and remaining family to say goodbye to grandad...I'm glad I asked them and that they want to go. Thank you all for feedback.

OP posts:

LittlePushka · 19/02/2011 23:34

How did it go sarinha2203? Did you children do ok?

Original poster

sarinha2203 · 24/02/2011 11:48

The funeral service was lovely and my children were excellent. They all behaved very well and yes they all cried quietly, even my 5year old...I think they understood why were there and so there were no awkward questions at the time. The key is to prepare them well and answer any questions in advance. I am glad I took them all so they could have the chance to say goodbye to their much loved grandad. Thank you all for your advice. :)

OP posts:

lilyliz · 04/03/2011 19:46

see how she feels and decide.I was'nt at my nans funeral as considered too young and I feel it to this day not getting to say goodbye.

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