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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

My 8y old is grieving & I need to help her.

22 replies

needtohelp · 01/02/2011 22:18

My DD's school friend died. I didn't know the little girl & her family but DD is feeling very low. She is crying hystericallly & getting very angry with her family.

The little girl was very unwell & as far as we know she died from an existing heart condition, the problem is DD's little sister has a heart condition & she is struggling to understand that her sister will not die because of her heart condition now.

I have spoken to the school & explained DD's fears, they have said that at this time they are concentrating on the family & children close to them & right now they don't want to talk about it but will speak to DD privatly if needed.

Apart from reasuring her, holding her & being there for her what else can I do or say to make her pain & confussion go away.

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Original poster

needtohelp · 01/02/2011 22:30

bump

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lisad123isasnuttyasaboxoffrogs · 01/02/2011 22:38

I would suggest you talk to her, spend time thinking of ways of remembering or doing something nice for the little girls family. Maybe do a balloon release.
I lost a friend when i was at school and no one spoke to me about it and it was my first experince of losing anyone and it was another child :(

phatcat · 01/02/2011 22:43

My heart goes out to your little girl. I have no experience of this but what about helping her to make a memory box of her friend? Is there a teacher responsible for pastoral care at the school - it doesn't seem right that your daughter is being deprioritised - surely the school as a community needs to respond to all that have been affected by this event.

Original poster

needtohelp · 01/02/2011 22:48

The school is very small, they have said they will help but need to focus on the family first & then offer prayer & support in the future.

I thought I could find out when the funeral will take place & let DD send flowers, do you think the family will mind?

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LoopyLoopsPoopaScoop · 01/02/2011 22:52

I think flowers would be lovely, don't see why they would mind. How about encouraging DD to write a goodbye letter to her friend, for her family to see how much she was cared about?

hellymelly · 01/02/2011 22:55

Could your DD go to the funeral? I can't imagine the family would mind if she sent flowers,I am sure they would be very touched and grateful.Perhaps she could write a little letter saying what she liked about her friend and that she will miss her? I think its understandable she is angry and very upset.it will take time for her to recover from the sadness and fright.It sounds as though you are doing all the right things.

racetobed · 01/02/2011 22:56

How terribly sad. The balloon release and memory box are nice ideas. I think flowers from your dd at the funeral would be both welcome and appropriate (and quite possibly, not even noticed by the poor grieving parents).

I'm surprised the school has taken this stance though, and agree with phatcat. They shd be holding some kind of collective ceremony for the children, and have time available for your daughter.

I remember being bereaved at 11, and being very frightened/traumatised at nighttime. Maybe let your dd know she's welcome in your bed if she's distressed at night? I just had a very clear memory of crying alone in my bed late at night, when I read your post. like your dd, it was my first experience of death, and it was always at night that i was most overwhelmed.

lisad123isasnuttyasaboxoffrogs · 01/02/2011 22:56

could you maybe ask the school if you could do a balloon release and letters for the whole school? I think your DD wont be the only one that needs some support. Kids are going to struggle with death of anyone, but more so of another child :(

Original poster

needtohelp · 01/02/2011 23:05

DD wasn't supposed to know today but the little girls best friend/relative is in her class & confided in her.
DD told me as we walked home, she held it togeather until she got home & then broke down.

How do I handle her anger? She is being awfull towards her sisters, very impatient & angry.
I must sound dreadfull, I do feel for her & I want to help her without it effecting her sisters & their relationship iyswim.

Her main fear is that it will now happen to her little sister I think.

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exexpat · 01/02/2011 23:08

Have you looked at the Winston's Wish website? They also have a phone helpline, and they are the best source of information and support on dealing with grieving children.

I think your DD will need lots of reassurance about her sister (and subconsciously about herself) and will probably ask the same questions repeatedly. Just do your best to help her see that this doesn't happen to most children.

I would have thought the school would want to mark the occasion with some kind of ceremony or at least a condolence or memory book for the girl's friends (and their families) to write or draw pictures about their friend and their memories of her. My DCs school did this for them when DH died - obviously not all the children and parents knew him, but those who did contributed, and it is something that means a lot to us.

Planting something or putting a bench or item of play equipment in her memory in the school grounds might also be a nice idea.

But please, please don't have a balloon release. The balloons have to come down somewhere and they are a serious danger to wildlife - you wouldn't deliberately scatter burst balloons on a beach or around the countryside, so please don't let the wind do it for you. This leaflet from the Marine Conservation Society explains in more detail why balloon releases are a really bad idea.

lisad123isasnuttyasaboxoffrogs · 01/02/2011 23:10

Anger is one of the stages of grief, so give her time and she will move though the stages.

BoattoBolivia · 01/02/2011 23:21

I know our pastoral support lady at school does memory books with bereaved children. Drawings, class photo, help her write down her memories. But maybe it is still too early? Keep hugging her and go into great medical detail about her sister's condition. I think sharing a bed sounds like a good idea. Definitely look online for specialist support. If you have any ideas that would help the others in the class, could you offer to go in and help the children/ teacher? Maybe the school is short staffed which is why they are focussing on the family. Maybe the family have asked the school not to discuss it yet??

Original poster

needtohelp · 01/02/2011 23:23

I think the school will probably have something in place but the children are not going to be informed officially until tomorrow.

I'm struggling on how to deal with 3 childrens emotions. I will look at the links supplied & call winstons wish whilst the children are at school tomorrow.

Thank you all so much.

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hellymelly · 02/02/2011 00:30

Just a thought-the usual homoeopathic remedy for grief is Ignatia, you could try giving her the remedy for three days,200c once a day.I have found that really does help,anyway worth a try as it certainly won't do any harm.Health shop should stock it.

solo · 02/02/2011 00:53

Have no advice.

My friend died of a brain tumour when he was 7; I was 10. Friend was a month older than my brother who had heart problems.

I can't recall having that feeling that my own brother could die, but I do remember the intense sadness of it.

I really hope you find a way of helping your Dd cope with this very soon.

Original poster

needtohelp · 02/02/2011 10:03

I spoke to someone at winstons wish this morning & he was very helpfull.

I am going to give DD an angry place to stop her taking her frustrations & grief out on her sisters.

She can scribble on a piece of paper & then rip it up & stamp on it, we can go into the garden & she can run in circles whilst I count, that sort of thing.

This morning she spoke about her friend & I tried to let her know that it is rare for children to die (I hope that was the right thing to tell her)

We also spoke again about her sister, this is so hard for me because I am telling her it will never happen to her sister & it was a different heart condition & that everything will be fine for us but that's not true in some ways.

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LoopyLoopsPoopaScoop · 02/02/2011 14:01

Was going to plead with you not to do a balloon release, but I see exexpat got there first.

starfishmummy · 02/02/2011 14:14

Hopefully the school will come up with a strategy to help ALL of the children.

My DS goes to a special school where unfortunately many pupils are very ill, and some do pass away.

One thing they do, not immediately, but after a little while is to put out a memeory table. There are usually some flowers and a little display of pictures of the deceased child taking part in school activities; this is something the children can look at and talk about (rather than pretending nothing has happenend, as is often the case).

Original poster

needtohelp · 02/02/2011 21:42

DD had a terrible evening & really struggled to get to sleep

She was fine during school & skipped all the way home with her friends, we did homework & had dinner & then she had a silly argument with her sister & she broke down again.

I told the girls about the paper tearing excercise & at one point I had paper all over the lounge!!!!

Took me a while to get her to sleep but she is now sleeping soundly.

Thanks again for all your help & if a balloon release is mentioned I will print a copy of the link.

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exexpat · 02/02/2011 23:18

Sorry to hear you had a tough evening, but I'm glad the person from Winston's Wish had some helpful ideas. I'm sure with your help the difficult times will pass more easily.

And thanks for reading the 'don't let go' leaflet. The idea of releasing balloons appeals to so many people, it can be hard to argue against it, but once you get people thinking, you can find much better ways to commemorate a person's life.

ArsMamatoria · 03/02/2011 09:11

Needtohelp, Winston's Wish also publish a book called 'Muddles Puddles and Sunshine' - it's a kind of workbook for grief. It's available on Amazon among other places.

Hope your poor DD has a more peaceful night tonight.

Original poster

needtohelp · 03/02/2011 09:44

Thanks for the link Ars I have a book about death (work related) but it is very much aimed at adults so I will have a look on Amazon.

I saw the little girls mother's best friend yesterday, heart breaking.
Another mother gave her some tulips & she cried, which made me cry & she just asked us not to talk about it, she said she can cope as long as we don't talk about it.

My DD is sooo like me, very emotional & we wear our heart on our sleeves.

Thank you for all your help.

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