Hello Amyjade,
When ever I hear or read about a parent who has lost a child I truly know the pain, heartbreak that that person is feeling. I as lots of you know, lost my darling Matthew 11 years ago, he was at that time our only child, a beautiful healthy 14 yr old boy who collapsed and died instantly in my garden. No medical explanation was ever found. The first year was just a raw painful existance, when Harry went back to work I would just sit hours here on my own, crying, staring out of the window, praying for someone to call, phone, anything to give me support, then if the phone did go not being able to physically pick it up, sick with grief. The second year I was worse, I could no longer say "this time last year he was still here", it hurt so much. Then into the third year we decided to try ivf, three attempts and two years later I gave birth to triplets, I was 46! I can honestly say it took me seven years to get to the stage where I felt, "this is it now, this is how its going to be", meaning how I felt about Matthews death. How I hate writing those two last words. Time I believe does not heal, how can you ever heal again? What it does is help you into a new life, not one of your choosing but one you can live, you feel as though you in fact have two lives, your old one and your new one. I just know that where ever I am, what ever I do I still get a huge sadness within me, because he is not here, never will, and there is nothing I can do to change it. There is life after the death of your child, you do laugh again, you do eventually return to things that in the early days of this awful journey you feel you will never do again, it takes courage, strength, it will come. You have to learn from it too, you will perhaps as I have done forge new friendships, through the loss of your child. My closest friend who is like my soul mate I met two years after Matthew died, she owned a cottage that my friends rented, they took me on holiday when Harry was away on refit with his ship. That chance meeting with Nicky has totally changed my life, although we live 400 miles apart she is always always there for me. She is my trios godmother and just the best friend anyone could have. We would never have met if Matthew had not died. So, I have rambled on, I hope some of this helps. I hope you too will eventually find some peace in your heart, lots of love xxxxxxx