How best to support mum, dad died 2 months ago

[LoveBeingADaddysGirl]

My dad passed away 2 months ago (can't believe it's that long), mum lives round the corner from me and I just don't know if I am doing enough or what else I could be doing. Her mum died 6 mths before that so it's been a reall hard few months, without taking into ac dads been poorly for a while. I know how hard I fond it and know it's even wprse for her but just don't know what to do for the best.

Thanks for Reading

Thanks cat for your reply. They didn't really have any hobbies, they liked to be at home together. Sometimes she likes to go to the bingo with her bf or her sil but that's it really. She's at home all day apart from food shopping and I can't seem to get her out of the house. She started sorting some things out at home so says she can't come out cause she's busy.

So sorry for your loss. I've been there sadly so I know how hard it is for the people left behind

Cat has given you good advice. Keep dropping in for a cuppa, or invite yourself over for lunch/dinner. Or maybe invite her to yours? That might be a bit less daunting for her than going out in public somewhere - she might be worried about bursting into tears or something, and be embarrassed.

As well as the practical help I think it helped to keep talking about my dad. Obviously not dwelling on it all the time, but just letting your mum know that she can talk about him with you and that she's not the only one who remembers him.

Oh, and be kind to yourself as well. I recommend a bubble bath, a trashy book or mag, and a slab of chocolate the size of a small country.

I know it's the most tired old cliche ever, so I apologise for trotting it out, but it does get easier.

Unmumsnetty ((hugs))

Thanks serena, it just doesn't seem enough does it? It's a good point about her coming here rather than out, might start with Sunday lunch.

Ps also thanks for the hugs

I know - I found it so hard that no matter what I did for my mum there was nothing I could actually do to make her pain go away. You just feel helpless don't you? It's shit.

But you're there for her, and that's the very best you can do.

When my cousin died, it helped for me and his siblings to remember and laugh about some of the antics we used to get up to. There's a lot of loving memories there, wrapped in in the grief and loneliness. I remember alternating between tears and laughter. I still do sometimes, and it's been 10 years.

Thanks guys, was having a very low day. Mum had phoned and got a bit upset, not directly about dad but there's been a few problems at the house and he would obviously have dealt with them. Met dh at the front door last night when he returned from work and burst into tears inthe poorch

Hi, I just wanted to say I'm sorry for your loss. My own Dad died not so long ago, and I found that supporting my Mum was unchartered territory. There is nothing worse than not being able to take someone else's pain away, but you are also grieving aswell.
I found that just after Dad died that family were all around and offering to help, but my Mum kept saying she had 'too much to do' or 'didn't have time' to see anyone etc. I believe now that this is part of the grieving/healing process.
A few family get togethers have helped us all focus and see each other, but to be honest some family members don't want to mention my Dad for fear of upsetting any of us. In fact, it's me who keeps bringing him up. He was alive, he was here and kept us all going, so why not mention this instead of not talking and acting like he never existed.
I think it's hard for other people to support sometimes as they just don't know what to do.
For me, I have kept visiting my Mum and trying to encourage her to take part in things, but it has taken her a long time to come out and speak about her feelings. Like you have said, it's the things that go wrong around the house or the fact that food portions seem to be sold in too large a size for a single person that highlight the loss of my Dad. I struggle to find anyone else who 'gets' me quite the way he did, but I try to focus on the fact that he was a great man, and at least he was in my life at all.

I find that if Mum speaks to others in the same situation it can be a comfort to her, but it all takes time to come to terms with everything. It's still early days (sorry cliche here) but with your support, things will ease. The pain does lessen but the memories can be the thing that gives you a little lift some days.
Just being there for her is enough. Look after yourself too though x

Also remember that you won't be able to have the answers to everything your Mum needs. I think I have been a bit hard on myself and feel guilty for not being able to do everything that Dad would have done, but this might be a good thing as it allows my Mum to do these things for herself and slowly give her the confidence to know that she can manage.

Thanks indigo what've you've said is so true, went for Sunday lunch a few weeks ago and clearly shed cooked too much food for three adults and. Toddler but it all went on the plates, I guess to fgide the fact shed done too much.

She came for dinner today, the first time without dad, and has gone to bingo tonight so a bit better.

I do need to look after myself, I've had a down few days and think I need to talk to someone in rl. There's a friend that would be perfect but I know she's got other stuff going on so don't know whether to bother her.

I'm sorry about your dad x

LoveBeingADaddysGirl
I didn't live near my Mum, but after Dad died I used to ring my Mum every day. I think it helps to know that someone is thinking of you, even if you don't talk for very long or about anything in particular. That way you'll have an idea of how she is if you can't go round every day. I found it helped me too.