Work collegues husband dies in accident, 2 days after she gave birth to their 2nd son.

[galwaygal]

Sorry, I don't know where else to look for help. I am in shock and feel helpless. I want to be able to help, but I don't know what to do.

I have spent many an hour chatting over lunch with this woman, as she is best friends with a collegue I work closely with. I just wish there was something I could do to help.

This woman is now left with an 18month old and a newborn baby to deal with.

Another thing that is hard is that her husband was out of work for a couple of years and had just got this job, started the job as a builder, then fell to his death before even the day was ended. The woman was in hospital still following the birth of her baby.

My collegue is devestated, she has known this couple for 15years and is herself starting her maternity leave this week.

I don't know what to do to help either this woman or my collegue. I don't have home addresses for them, (although I could find out if needed).

I don't think there is anything I can do much practically for them.

Sorry, I just needed somewhere to express how helpless and sad I feel about it all. It makes you realise how you never know what could happen next, and when you could loose a loved one so suddenly.

A list of some practical things you and your workplace could do for your collegue:

Resist the urge to send flowers. She'll only have to find a vase for them and then chuck them out when they start to go rotten - one more chore among thousands of others.

Have a collection at work to help pay for some home help - cleaning, mothers help etc.

Arrange for a load of meals for the freezer to be delivered (incl lots suitable for toddler).

Some DVDs for young children (eg In the Night Garden etc) wouldn't go amiss - poor DD1 spent a lot of time watching TV while I frantically tried to get my head around finances/paperwork/everything else.

Offer to help fill out the endless and distressing paperwork - it took me a month's solid work at least, two months if you include planning the memorial.

Help her find out what financial help is available to her. Off the top of my head I can think of a one-off widow/widower payment, but she should also be entitled to widowed parent allowance. Other benefits may also apply depending on her finanial situation.

Offer to give her a lift to all the official places she'll need to go to. She will be in the awful position of having to register her husband's death and the birth of their new baby possibly at the same time.

Point her in the direction of the WAY foundation (Widowed and Young), the Merrywidow website and Greenwidow. And here.

Some of OH's collegues whom I didn't know at all made the most generous gestures when he died, so don't feel you can't do anything. I was very pregnant with our second DC at the time, so know the issues. My heart breaks for your poor collegue.

How awful.

namechanged suggestions sound great.

Namechanged- thankyou for your helpful advice, sorry it comes from your personal experience, but it is very helpful for me. Thank you

sad

You're very welcome Galwaygal. Just one more thing - if you do contact her and she doesn't get back to you, it doesn't necessarily mean she doesn't want help. She will probably feel completely emotionally unable to respond to a lot of things. I had so many letters and phone calls that I appreciated deeply, but just couldn't answer.

I wish you all the best

Galwaygal - I'm so so sorry :(

When I hear things like this I wonder if they are Mn'ers, same with the single mum and her 4 children in the fire :(

I think that at the very leasst it would be nice to send them both a card, just from you (not necessarily work). The nicest cards to get are the ones that have a small story or memory in them, because in amongst the tears you can also smile - so if anything she said about her DH made you smile or made her smile tell her how you remember her telling you about it.

Of course it's lovely to offer practical help if you are in any position to do so, but you possibly don't have the time or feel close enough to either of them to do so. However, if you feel up to it, call or send another card in a couple of months to say you are still thinking of her and if she would like to meet up for a coffee (somewhere she can bring the kids) that would probably be really nice. About then all your friends are getting back to their every day lives - yet you are left with a life that will never, ever be the same :( Really people you didn't know that well before can become a very important part of your 'new' reality.