Trying for a baby after my son died

[InnocentRedhead]

I know people will be in the same/similar boat as me. I know some of you know my situation too. At the moment me and DP are trying for a child, i lost my son nearly 2 and half years ago. I thought i would be fine, but i'm not. Having a shitty shitty week and just keep crying when looking at ideas for baby things. Its a constant reminder of what i had for only a short while. I cherish what i had but this is all bringing up emotions i never knew i had. And then i have to contend with the stresses of TTC.

My DP is amazing about it all and he says that after the birth i am going to need looking after in more ways than any other mum, he knows that i will not leave the hospital for fear ANYTHING is wrong.

I am not asking for anything, just a vent, and just to know i am not alone, i am struggling with all sorts of weird emotions at the moment tbh

I dont know your story ,but Im hoping you get a BFP soon and that the ache in your heart eases.
Take care.

dont tell anyone ((hug)).

Hi,I think I've spoken to you on my thread,my baby was stillborn fullterm on 1st Jan.

Im wanting to TTC aswell,but I almost feel guilty with it being so soon after the loss of my baby.But I am so desperate for a baby my arms ache.

One thing I keep thinking is that,I know he's gone,but I'm glad I had him and I'm glad of the time we did have together when he was growing in his mummies tummy.

I know what you mean about all the emotions,I'm having them with my husband at the moment,I love him, but Im wondering if we can ever get through this,if things will ever be the same again. We were so happy before,so so happy,it would have made people sick at how happy we were,but now we've hit rock bottom. This is a tough thing to bounce back from.

I hope you feel better soon,,alot of people Ive spoken to have said they went to see councellors,maybe thats something to consider.

Keep posting if it makes you feel better,It makes me feel better.Ladies on here are very helpful and make you feel ....not so lonely.xxxxxxxxxx

Hi Ladies

Just wanted to say I lost my DS2 18 months ago he was 20 months old and had epilepsy and had a seizure during the night and died, I thought I would never come to terms with what had happened to him but I did (in fairness with a lot of help from my ds1)and I went on to have my ds3 who has given me so much joy he is perfect and totally reminds me of my ds2 which I think is wonderful. I know my story isn't exactly as yours but I just wanted you to know that I felt guilty and worried that something would go wrong I panicked they entire way through my pregnancy, but it didn't and he's here now and makes me smile everyday, obviously I haven't forgotten my wonderful ds2 I never will but my ds1 and ds3 give me joy and reason to make the most of life!!!

Good luck ladies I really really hope you very soon get your BFP

Take care lots of love xxx

Good luck to all of you. I've never experience anything like it, but reading your stories has really touched me.

matnat thats such a sad story,20 months old??? Thats just terrible. I really feel for you.
I am so glad that you have found the strength to carry on and be happy again,I hope and pray that I do aswell.xxx

Hey girls, thanks :) this forum often makes me smile through the pain, just to know there are people out there that do understand, that do know. It is hard at the moment, i'm getting quite stressed and when TTC isn't nice at all.

He will always be my Zac, but i just can't say he was my first child which hurts. i am saying that i am trying to conceive #1 with DP, i just can't bring myself to say my second as i would have to face everytime i mention it what i have lost. I know that people grieve differently but I just don't see how this is normal tbh. Thinking about it hurts but i still cant bring myself to say about Zac as my first. He is my first angel is how i see it, not my baby, a baby is someone you hold, feed play with, i only had that for a short while. Sorry if this doesnt make sense, i am just flooding tbh

xx

toby, yes we have spoken i think. I read your story and i was in pieces. It hurts and for you it is still very fresh. Be kind to yourself and do what is right for you.

matnat, that is terrible, 20months :( thank you for posting, responses really do provide solace and a candle in the dark xx

innocentredhead I know what you mean about saying he was your first child.Everyone says to me that he'll always be your first,but when people tell you how many kids they have they don't say "oh four but one was stillborn",how does that work. I don't know what Ill say yet,I'll have to cross that bridge when I come to it.

Whats happened makes me so angry some days,I just think its so unfair,we should be changing nappies and moaning that we're not getting any sleep from all the feeds,but no wer saying goodbye to our babies and arranging funerals. Its just not right.

I hope you have a better day today,Im planning on having a good day today,Im going to take my dogs for a walk and try and be grateful for what I have got. xxxxxx

Just wanted to let you know that you don't need to feel guilty about wanting to be pregnant again.

We lost our second child, ds1 aged 13 days, last summer - it was for the best as he would have been so disabled and probably would only have lived a few more weeks/months at best. I was desperate to have another child - the need to hold a baby was and still is overwhelming.

I am now 22 weeks pregnant (pg about 3 months after our son died)and am absolutely scared stiff about what will happen this time. We found out last week that we are having another boy, which has been incredibly difficult to get our heads around. Our dd asked if this baby would come home, because he is also a boy (logical when you are 4).

We are not trying to replace our first son in any way and will make sure our second son knows this as he grows up

I had the dreaded question last week - 'so what no will this one be then?' and am proud to say I managed to say no 3, we lost our baby son last year and only cried a little (to a new aquaintance).

The lovely thing has been that nearly all our close friends and family have all said the same thing - 'another' son/brother for dd. Our first son will always be just that and I think I would say the same if he hadn't been born alive too.

So, after rambling all this time what I want to say is to be kind to yourselves, time does lessen the pain and please don't feel guilty about having another child if that is what you want. We were incredibly lucky that it happened so quickly for us. There have been a few raised eyebrows but I have been sensible about trying to be as healthy as possible and the people that care about us are happy for us too.

Sorry the other thing I wanted to say is that we would never be where we are now without the counselling/counsellor we have had. We will never be able to repay her - she has absolutely saved us all. We are lucky enough to have met her in hospital when our son was so ill and she really has lead us through the dark days.

If you are able to arrange it for both of you to go you might find it of some help.

Thanks for sharing you story. So sorry for your loss and the losses of the other posters.

DD passed away unexpectedly a day after her birth in April 2009. I thought the only thing that would help me heal was another baby and so we tried pretty much straight away but I had 2 MCs within 12 months of losing her. I conceived again and my son is due in 6 weeks.

In a way, it was a blessing I didn't have a baby straight away as I needed some time for myself to process what happened and for other things to happen in my life.

2 years down the road, I find it so desperately sad that he comes across as if nothing happened, that it doesn't affect him, that he never talks about her. It has only dawned on me recently and I am starting to feel anger. He is a very considerate person but sometimes his concern and care feel like a box ticking exercise. It seems your DP can vocalise how he feels and how he will treat you during the pregnancy and after. That was so lovely to read.

I do hope you will hold another baby in your arms soon. xx

Hello.

I am so sorry to hear of your sad stories of the loss of your children .

I thought I would share mine incase it helps.

My DD was my first child. She was a very healthy child and the most wonderful person. She became ill aged 12 and died two years later. I had two boys aged 10 and 3 at the time. The 3 year old is adopted.

I was desperate for another baby. I had always wanted lots of children but OH wasnt keen (he is one of 12). After DD died I decided that i should do whatever the bloody hell I wanted to and OH agreed. It took me a year tc (I was 40) and I found out the same week of my DD's anniversary.

I was totally unprepared for how being pregnant would affect me. It triggered so many feelings and I became fairly depressed. My baby was very much wanted but I found the pregnancy hard. One of the most difficult things was the attitude of others. It was like they were so pleased for me because somehow everything would be ok now. Of course they all wanted me to have a girl and some people actually cried when my scan showed a boy! I found the medical attention very distressing as I now find any clinical environment/situation very hard to deal with.

But I got through and had a lovely homebirth. My DS bought a sense of joy to my life that I had thought impossible.

I thought he would be my last but decided it give it one more go and to my great shock got pregnant in the first week of trying! As I was 42 I was more than amazed. I was again suprised at how I felt. I had put it all down to the nearness of my DD's death in my previous pregnancy but I know think the mixture of emotions, hormones and PTSD are to blame.
Again, I got through and had another great homebirth. I had another beautiful boy and felt the same pure joy.

It is addictive but I have to stop now or I will have a house full

I found that being honest with those caring for you is the best strategy. Once I told bblurted --out- them the story I found most HCPs to be very kind. Few of them really understood the connection between losing DD and my feelings around pregnancy ( I suppose because of her age) but they did try very hard. Sometimes I had to be very firm which was hard but it was worth it.

I wish you all so much love in your ttc. Try to ignore the ignorant if well meaning comments, be honest with those who want to help and be kind to yourselves.