How do I support DH?

[NameyMcChange]

I put a thread in relationships about the sad death of my wonderful MIL only 2 weeks after cancer diagnosis.

I live abroad currently and DH is still in England which I think is making things a little harder.

Neither of us has lost a parent before and I am not sure exactly how I can help him.

I've written myself a list of ways to be or ways not to be. That sounds so silly but I can at times be quite a selfish person I suppose :( and I don't want to hurt him during this sad time in his life. I don't want to make life harder for him than it is, if you understand me.

My list is:
Give DH time
Let him ignore me/ don't be annoyed if he is barely in contact as he is so busy
Don't expect him to act a certain way
Try and get my 'friendship needs' fulfilled somewhere else- by this I mean I rely on him a lot to help me not feel homesick, but he doesn't need to worry about that at the moment!
Don't try and make it better
Don't give advice or pretend that I know what it is like for him

What else should I not do and what should I do? What is the best way to help?

Thanks in advance. Namechanged as he knows my nickname.

With bereavement, there is no do and don't list; everyone reacts differently and therefore has different needs.

You need to ask him what he whats. If he says "Give me some time to myself", then do that; if he says "I really need you here", then if I was in your position I'd be booking the next flight home. But of course I don't know your situation so maybe this isn't possible for you.

Only he truely knows what he wants/needs.

Hope this helps, I understand your troubles.

I wish I could get the next flight home, but unfortunately work won't allow it. I took a week off to go back when she was dying, and I can go back for the funeral and a week after. This is unfortunately the way it has to be. I feel sick with guilt that I am not there now though.

Idon't think he knows what he needs from me. I feel at a loose end really.

Thank you for posting, especially at this time of night!

He may still need to be needed, so don't suddenly stop needing him, if you know what I mean. Just play things by ear. There are different stages to the grieving process, and he what helps him will change.

Also, don't forget you have to grieve too!!! This is also a loss for you, even if not as great as your DH's.