Friends just lost their 2mo, some advice please

[ifaistos]

My friends have just emailed to tell me they have lost their 2mo baby boy, just 2 days ago. My ds was born at exactly the same time as theirs. I'm looking at him now, crying and feeling so terribly sad for them. In the past I've been guilty of avoiding mentioning other peoples bereavement through fear of upsetting them. But I know that's stupid. I always feel terrible afterwards not aknowledging their grief.
Anyway, these are friends I really care about and I don't want to make the same mistake again. we live in different countries so I can't see them unfortunately. Would sending flowers and a letter be ok? Is telephoning too intrusive? They have 2 other children - 7 and 5 yo. Sending them presents doesn't feel right. Perhaps cards?

When I lost my daughters I personally didn't want flowers but cards were very comforting. But don't just write "sorry for your loss" - I found it much nicer when people wrote something individual - maybe something about how you remember him and how you'll continue to do so.

As well/alternatively you could text and ask when/if it might be OK for you to call around. But I'd go without the baby if at all possible - likely to be too much for them. If you see them ask them how they're feeling and if they'd like to talk about it. And ask again in the future as its amazing how many people will never mention it again.

Yes, Axis is definitely right about carrying on asking.

A card would be better than flowers, and a letter even better, as it is something which can stay with someone who's bereaved, no matter what time of day or night s/he needs to hear words of comfort again, and know that someone has taken time over a letter.

You mentioned being in different countries: are the time zones very different? If so, you could mention this to your friends, as there will be times when they literally can't get anyone else on the telephone to talk to, and yet feel desperately lonely....

Do be prepared, though, for them not to want to see you. I have a friend who lost her baby last year, and she can't bring herself to be around babies, much less the baby of another, mutual friend, who was born on the due date of the one who died. This is hard for the friend whose child lived, especially as there's nothing she can do; it's just something she is, nothing she did. That's not what you want to hear, of course, but is worth bearing in mind.

Thanks. I'm following your advice and sending a letter. I was debating whether to telephone the day I posted this and then my friend actually called me.