how has being bereaved affected you long term do you think?

[WonderingStar]

I know the title sounds fatuous, but bear with me ... my DH died suddenly nearly 4 years ago, he was 34 and I was 25wks pg at the time with our first baby.

So. Beyond the grief and the pain and the adjusting to loss, I am now wondering what the long-term effects of a massive loss really are, hence the question. Also because having had a baby alone, I can't really separate out whether my mind has been a bit scrambled through the general relentless grind of looking after a small baby/ toddler/ pre-schooler, or if it is also attributable to loss and grief.

For example, while I get on with life generally, and actually manage to over-reach myself from time to time, I gave up a job that I used to love because I really couldn't face sitting at my desk day in day out to do what I used to do. Not only did it not seem to be particularly productive or useful, but also, I just mentally don't seem to be up to it anymore. Concentrating on anything for very long is quite hard. But then, going back to work post-baby is challenging for many people, so it might just be that.

I know lots of people re-evaluate their lives after this sort of event, is it because of seeing the bigger picture do you think, or because they, like me, can't keep on the same track that they were before no matter how much they enjoyed it?

I really just want a very quiet life now, with fewer challenges. Someone on another thread here wrote something about their grandmother losing her dh very young, and doing very little other than reading and gardening for the remaining 60 years of her life. I read that and thought "yes, that's me. that's what I want to do."

Anyone else feel like this?

So sorry for the loss of your husband.

Lost my beautiful baby daughter very unexpectedly shortly after her birth.

I seem to have lost interest in the things that I loved as I don't see the point. I am not depressed but have become very guarded, aloof, distant. It is like someone pressed the pause button on my life, though lots of very positive and wonderful things happened after she died. I am now 31 weeks pregnant. I hope I can resume life as I was meant to.

I think you realise that material things are not so important, what matters is being with people you love. I lost my DH very suddenly to a heart attack in June 2008 and I think I worry more about people's health and if they are late getting in or don't call when I expect them to, as he was away from home when he died. I think every loss is unique, and we all react differently but I hope like sh77 that one day I will be more like I used to be and able to feel safe again.

Hello there, thank you all for replying with your thoughts, it is helpful to know that I'm not the only one. I too am sorry for all your losses. There is too much loss in this world, of the wrong people.

As well as seeing life in a completely different light though I seem to be so much less mentally capable or bothered than I was. I was there when my dh died, he literally dropped dead, and I still have little flickers back to it triggered usually verbally, sometimes visually. I don't know if the actual trauma of being there has affected me too.

everlong I get your drift, I am the same, I think about that too - only now and again when there really does seem no point continuing without him - but I do think hard about it. I would never have done that before this happened to me.

I wasn't there when my DH died (also sudden cardiac arrest, in 2006), but I do find that some things trigger flashbacks to that day - the phone calls, the hospital, the morgue and so on. I hate it when people casually use phrases like 'I almost had a heart attack when she said xxxx'.

But I have wondered how I would feel if I had been there and had been unable to resuscitate him. It must have been unbearably traumatic for you, wonderingstar, so I'm not surprised you are still struggling with it.

I also find I am much more inclined to just let small things go - so what if I scrape the car, or things aren't perfect around the house, in the long run, that kind of thing is irrelevant.

Since he died, I have learnt that I can do a lot of things I never wanted or expected to do, and I suppose in some ways I feel a stronger person. Though if I think about it, these may just be pre-existing personality traits of mine which have been emphasized by my situation.

I have read a few times that people have a kind of pre-set happiness level, and pretty much no matter what happens (bereavement, divorce, illness, unemployment or whatever), in the long run most people will revert to that level. So I suppose I am fundamentally a fairly cheerful, resilient person, and I have more or less bounced back to how I have always been - but still with a huge gap in my life.

Also, my day to day life is completely different from before, as I had to move countries after DH died, and can no longer do the work I was doing before (because of location and childcare responsiblities), so on a practical level I am still in a kind of limbo, trying to work out what to do with the rest of my life, but making the DCs my priority.

exexpat - I am so sorry for your loss. We too were living abroad, so I had to deal with it all a long way from old friends and family, then uproot and come home. I guess when you have to do that sort of a move, you're now so far from the original map of your life that it's hard to see where the path ahead lies. Limbo sums it up very well.

generally I do pretty well, I am positive, often cheerful, coping, happy, do loads of stuff within the constraints of childcare. In fact I probably do way more outside the domestic sphere than my friends with children the same age. But sometimes I am utterly stopped in my tracks by the thought that no matter what I do to move on, cope, find new interests etc, he's never coming back and the rest of my life will be a life lived without him and with this burden of grief and loss. It feels like the adjustment has gone as far as it can and this is what I am left with for the duration.

argh. wallowing. I do try not to do self-pity but after a few days on my own with ds and no other company I am prone to a bit of sad introspection!

I think we all need a bit of a wallow sometimes. Maybe time to watch a sad film, have a good sob, get it out of the system and get back on track?

Sorry to hear you had to do the international move thing as well as losing DH and being pregnant. My DCs were 8 and nearly 4 at the time, so I had to cope with their trauma too, but finding yourself suddenly a lone parent before you've even had the baby must be really tough.

I know how you feel about the 'this is it' realisation - it hits me too sometimes. Some people seem to resolve it by meeting someone new, but I haven't felt ready for that yet. I tend to distract myself by making extravagant plans for all the things I want to do once the DCs have grown up.

wow exexpat - but you had to do the move with young children. I was given the opportunity to stay put until I'd had the baby but knew that moving before he came would be so much easier than doing it with him in tow. So you have my respect on managing that aspect too.

Meeting someone new - I do think this helps resolve things for many people, it probably would for me, but I'm not finished finding out who I am as an individual rather than a couple. And I do that fantasy thing as well, partly for the things ds & I will do once he is a bit older, and yes, once he's left home, it will finally be my time!

Hi WonderingStar.

Yes to the quiet life with fewer challenges. To misquote Joni Mitchell I sit at home now most nights with the TV on and all the house lights turned up bright. I tend not to answer the phone either, though I realise that's not particularly healthy.
Going back to work once DD2 starts school/pre-school terrifies me. What I want is a job where I can be on my own. Social interaction is quite exhausting and like you, I feel that my mind is not what it once was (though it's difficult to unravel that from the overwhelming loss of confidence that bereavement brings).

I think I will always feel a pang on seeing heavily pregnant women - the memory of searching for a maternity dress to wear to OH's memorial is too horrible. Or being in labour lying alone on a trolley next to the cubicle where I said my last goodbyes.

I'm only at 18 months so it's difficult to say, but at the moment I can sum up the difference by the way I now interpret one of OH's favourite poems. It's Odes 1.11 (the 'carpe diem' one) by Horace. The translation goes something like this:

It is wrong to know, Leuconoe, so do not ask
How long the gods will grant you; how long
For me. Don?t go looking for answers in the stars.
Whatever they give out, it?s better just to take it.
Now winter hard against the rockface breaks up the Tuscan waves.
Perhaps we?ve been allowed a few more winters yet.
Perhaps this one is set to be our last.

So be wise. Drink your wine, don?t lay it down.
Even as we speak, jealous time escapes us.
Our time is short so take your hopes all overgrown
And cut them back to fit it. Pluck today
And do not trust tomorrow.

Before OH died, I never read the poem as being quite so bleak as I do now. And now, in minor ways, I do prune back my long hopes by not saving things for best - clothes, wine, nice bath oils etc - and trying to concentrate hard on the next pleasurable thing - a meal, bath, favourite TV programme, reading another chapter of a book etc. Just to get through the evenings.

Longer term, I'd like to do a painting course. As for meeting someone new, yes the people I've met who've done this definitely seem to have found new, if different, happiness. For me at the moment it's out of the question emotionally (though also practically). Like you I'm still adjusting to being an individual, especially after spending most of my adult life with OH and therefore feeling that we were products of each other.