coping with angry terminal ill dad

[yellowkiwi]

I've been lurking on here for a while since my Dad's cancer spread. I have been very moved by stories of how people have coped with the final few months and weeks. I'm trying to do all that I can for Dad but he's so angry it's making it difficult for me.

Today I haven't wanted to go and see him because when I saw him yesterday he said some terrible things to me. I was trying to suggest things that might help him and he just ended up getting so cross. He basically told me how worthless I was, and what a mess I've made of my life. Finally he told me to leave the room before he hit me.

His comments have raised a lot of thoughts in my mind. I've always felt lucky to have had good parents but I have been looking back on my childhood and questioning how good they were. I know I have to get over this. Has anyone had a similar experience?

cancer is a bitch and one of the first emotions is loss but quickly goes to anger. This isnt anger at you, its anger at the situation his found himself in. Its hard to accept the cancer and even moreso the fact he wont be able to beat it, which anyone would be angery about.
Please try not to take it too personally, he is shouting out at the nearest person and thats you.
Meds can make you feel really naff and make you very grumpy also well as te physical side effects.
Loads of hugs for you x

are you in touch with macmillan?

They are there to support your dad and you.

Has the cancer spread to his brain (which might explain his behaviour) or do you think it's a reaction to the emotional side of a terminal illness? Do you have access to a Macmillan nurse, who could talk to you about what your dad is going through?

My dad got very angry in the months before he died. His cancer had spread extensively, including to his brain. He said some horrible stuff to me, basically suggested that I was being a crap daughter and not doing enough when actually I put my life on hold for ten months to help, even though I had a newborn baby. He'd always been a touch violent and aggressive but he became ten times worse. I'm come to believe that he didn't mean it, just that he was in terrible pain and he was just so pissed off about the way things had turned out for him.
It's so hard to do but try to focus on the good times. Don't beat yourself up, and don't feel bad if you have days when you don't see yor dad. Are there other people who can help with him too?

I don't know your story at all, but if it's any comfort my mum threatened to murder me the last time I saw her (in between other more pleasant things ). I just look back on it as the end-of-life confusion setting in. (She was always a bit direct, but that was a bit much.)

I'm sorry you're going through this. I think death makes people angry.

His anger is not about you. It's about him but he's lashing out at you. Because you are there because you love him because he loves you and you will stick by him.

Any meds he is on could be causing this unknown behaviour.

If you had a happy childhood then stop analyzing. This isn't the dad you know and love. It's the illness. He is probably torturing himself over what he said to you. He's probably talking about himself in those hurtful sentence - maybe he sees himself as a failure and reaching his potential.

Don't tear yourself up over this. It must tough enough. Have you got some good support?

Thanks very much. I spoke to Macmillan today and will try to get GP to refer him next week.

anger is natural

he loves you but he is angry

it is infuriating to have your body let you down - you are still the person you ever were but you have no control at all. It makes me fucking mad. It makes me lash out at well-meaning platitudes and earnest help. It does not stop me loving people and it does not mean your father does not love you.

He will feel terrible and guilty for lashing out but then he may not even have enough headspace to deal with that on top of the anger and grief and fallibility he is feeling

hth