Stillborn at 19weeks

[mum2all]

My friend has just delivered her stillborn son at 19 weeks and I have absolutely no idea what to say to her.
I sent her a text earlier saying that i hadn't phoned cos i didn't want to disturb them but offering my condolences and also offering to do anything I could to 'help' in anyway. Just feel so useless and so sad myself, can't even begin to imagine what she and her OH are going though.

I can't imagine what she's going through, my heart goes out to her.

I think you're doing absolutely the right thing, my friend lost her baby at full term. She said that at first she just went numb so text messages didn't really register, so maybe follow up with another message in a couple of days. Think she'll want to see you at some point aswell and all you can do is hug her and let her know you'll be there for her. Be prepared for her not wanting to talk about it (ever in my experience). Maybe do practical stuff (take her ironing home and do it for her, take a meal round) so the house runs smoothly and that's not a source of stress for her.

You'll do brilliantly I'm sure x

Feel so sorry for your friend. I think just making sure that she knows that you are there for her if she wants to talk about it/a hug would be most important.

I am so sorry for your friend , I would actually ring instead of texting , she may well not pick up but she will know you are not scared to actually talk to her .

Do you know what she has called her baby ?

I am in a different place as my son died when he was 14mths old and I know that people deal with things differently but I would say the food thing is a good idea and offering to do specifics rather than a general "can I do anything" will get a better response . At the minute she won't have a clue what you can do to help apart from the one thing that nobody can do .

Good luck , I know it is such a heartbreaking thing to have to deal with for everyone .

I agree with the practical stuff. Do a shop for her of basics, ready meals and goodies and drop it round. Offer to take laundry/ironing home with you and give her and her and her DH a hug.

You are a lovely friends.

bring food,take washing,run her a bath,call her,hug her.im so sorry.it is awful.

I feel for both of you and I was in your position a few years ago.

I received the phone call from my friend on the Friday and afterwards arranged for some flowers to be sent. I went on the train to visit her the next day at her suggestion. We talked, hugged and cried a lot and she showed me some photos of her daughter who was stillborn at full term.

I talked to SANDS and found them to be very helpful. I ran some ideas past them to help my friend at the time (i.e encourage her to talk if wanted, meeding help with shopping/chores etc) and they also helped me with my own feelings of loss.

I am so sorry for your friend. My son was stillborn at 30 weeks, I didn't really want to talk to anyone until the funeral other than DH and close family. I did appreciate all the texts and cards we received and keep these in my son's memory box. People grieve differently so there is no right or wrong answer, whether you call or text it will be appreciated. You sound like a lovely friend!

so sorry for your friend . i lost a little girl at 18 weeks 5 years ago this week and my only advice to you is to not feel rejected etc if your friend doesn't want to talk,see any one etc and generally withdraws . she may not be ready to deal with anyone else at the moment. send her a card or a letter expressing yor sympathy and letting her know you care and are there if she needs anything .even if this is 2 or 3 months down the line .keep in contact leave the lines of communication open by text message ,email etc until she's ready to respond .

from personal experience the hardest thing (after the loss of dd ) to deal with was other peoples attitudes . 2 or 3 months down the line when i did feel strong enough to resume some everyday activities ,some so called friends when invited for coffee etc did not return phonecalls etc. they then spoke to dh telling him they hadn't time for me and it was about time i got over it .still hurts 5 years on