Please I desperately need advice how to explain to DS (4) that his best friend from school has passed away :(

[QwertyQueen]

We have just been told by the school, and I am in huge shock. Simply the MOST gorgeous little boy and friend to my son, he is going to be devastated.

Qwerty , I am so sorry , have you spoken to him about it yet ?

What an awful thing to have to do , I think the best thing is to be as honest as you can with him , the only thing that I can think of not to do is not do the whole "he has gone to sleep for a long time " your son will never want to go to bed again .

Winstons wish may well be a good place to ask for more specific advice . I know a lot of people have found them helpful .

I hope you are ok , I know what an awful shock it must be for you .

Oh how sad

I expect your sons school will say something to them in assembily or in the class. I guess all you can do is answer any questions honestly without making is seem to scary and letting hm talk about his friend as much or as little as he wants.

How dreadful. Had he been poorly or was it out of the blue?

how sad :(

I cant imagine how hard it is going to be to tell him hes still so young :( I guessing the school will also try and say something I dont really know what you could say tbh what a horrible situation. The poor boys parents :(

Am so, so sorry.

I remember a friend's brother dying when I was 5. i didn't believe it was true. But I do remember the moment I was told as if it was yesterday, so I guess the way you tell him will be something he is likely to recall in later life.

I would be as clear and honest as possible. At that age death is a concept that is too difficult to grasp and he will find it hard to accept the reality that his poor friend is not coming back. You may need to help his acceptance of this by being very clear. It will not do him any favours in the long run if you use euphemisms or confusing language like saying his friend is merely asleep for along time.

Big hugs x

That is so terrible .

Has your DS ever known anything about death - maybe a pet dying? My DS is 4, I would personally go with the fairly factual and simple approach that he won't see his friend anymore because he has died and is now living in heaven with the angels in the clouds. I have tackled it this way with my DS (it was a pet, not a person though) and he accepted it and still talks about x being in the clouds with the angels, but not in a sad manner. (I will caveat this with the fact that my DS is autistic and facts and directness suit him).

I told my ds at 2.11 about death, his beloved uncle had been killed. I had no time to prepare what i was going to say as he heard his uncles name and wanted to know where he was. I told him the first thing that came into my head which was: Uncle xxxx is in the sky we can't see him anymore but we can talk about him and look at pictures of him. Mummy uncle xxx and grandparents are going to be sad but thats ok. We all love xxxx and you still will too. DS is now 4 a litte over a year since that conversation and has been told since that a naughty man was involved and a few more details surrounding it. He still asks about his uncle but seams to have accepted that he can never see him again.
I'm so sorry its an awful thing to have to explain to a child

thanks for the replies.
It is a total shock, he was at school as normal yesterday.
The parents have only told the parents of his 3 closest friends for now. So that we can have a chance to explain before he hears a general explanation. How kind.... even in their grief that they consider this :(
I just found a really sweet book at the book shop dealing with death and concepts like even when we can't see the sun, it is still shining somewhere else.....
Me and one of the other mums that knows are picking the boys up from school in an hour, and are going to take them to the park so that we can chat and help each other.
I think I will tell him tonight after he has had a bath and dinner, and is calm so we can cuddle and cry together :(
my heart it totally broken.

Qwerty it is such a horrible thing for you to have to do . You might find that he doesn't react as you expect him to . Carrying on with what he is doing after the chat and then coming back to ask more questions a few hours or even days later .

A good book I found was Dragonflies and waterbugs , it explains that the waterbugs climb out of the water to be dragonflies but if you stay in the water you won't see them again but they are still ok just somewhere else .

Be kind to yourself too , it is bloody awful to have to even think about the death of a child .

So sorry Qwerty - for you, your son, and the poor boys family.

He has turned into a star.

How awful for the parents especially, but for you all too.

Children respond differently to how adults might. A child in my son's class died, and the school encouraged talking about her. Don't be surprised if he doesn't give it much thought at first, he may just go and play, but do make time at bedtime (for instance) as this is often the time they process things. As long as he knows he can come to you and that you can encourage him to talk about his friend with teachers and classmates. But his reaction may not be immediate and may take a while.
It's awful, awful for you to have to tell him. Perhaps get the close friends together for tea later and let them interact and see if they talk about their friend?
Are school telling the class today? They need to tell them before your children go back in.
I hope you are ok.

Hi
The school doesn't have a direction to take yet.
Half the parents don't want to say anything, just let kids thing he has gone away :(
Met with a mum whose friend is a psychologist and he has given us a lot of practical advice.

Please dont say anything about him "going to sleep" Thats what we said to my ds when he found his dad dead when he was five He panicked then every time someone said they were going to sleep.........

Kids that age think in a very different way, so he may not be that upset by it but then may react to you being upset. Try and avoid euphemisms (epecially as others have said the going to sleep one) and kids that age just don't undertand them. You may want to start with a single simple statement and then just answer any questions he has simply and honestly, bearing in mind that questions may come into his mind some time after your original statement (hours or even days).

good advice.
thank you all so much.
I have a headache from crying all day - your comment about his reacting to my sadness makes sense, I will make sure I am more together before I tell him.
Thanks again

Sorry, lottiejenkins, that is so awful :( but thank you for sharing your insight

My sister died when I was 5, and my parents let me lead the way as far as I was able to, for which I am very grateful. This included allowing me to see my sister before the funeral, choose toys for her to be buried with, to leave them in her coffin and say goodbye.

Please be very open with your DS and answer his questions very honestly.
It may not be appropriate for him to attend the funeral - but he may want to visit his friends grave and leave a note or picture, perhaps find some other way of saying goodbye, or maybe go somewhere with special memories and say goodbye there.

I think that there is nothing more frightening for a child than the unknown - imagination fills in the gaps with more fearsome images than the truth.

Children are also very sensitive to adult emotions, and he will avoid asking you questions or talking about his friend if he feels that by doing so he is going to upset you.

What an awful situation for all involved.

A five year old is quite likely to ask a lot of factual questions about what has happened to his friend, I wonder if it might be better to wait until you have more details so that you can answer his questions fully.

How you deal with it may depend on what has happened - a traffic accident for example may be easier for him to understand and deal with than a SIDs type death.

I do feel for you, wishing you all the best.

x-posts with piprabbit, sorry to hear your story.

You have said what I was trying to get at - the unknown being difficult - if you can't tell your son how his friend died today it may be better to wait, maybe stay off school tomorrow, until you do know.

Hi,
Just wanted to update you all, that it went as well as can be expected.
He did get upset as he still wants to play with him, and asked if we could take him to hospital.
We explained that we can look at the sky tonight and try and find his star,
x

My dd's best friend died suddenly when they were both 4 and at Nursery school. We told told her that her friend was very sick and was hurting so much that the best thing for her was to go to Barbie Heaven. This meant she would never hurt again and she was allowed to play with all the Barbies and make sure they were good enough for our dd to play with. My dd still has the last barbie both girls played with. But we left our dd to ask what she needed to know and we tried to show, although devastatingly sad, we had to maintain it was part of life and it helped her cope with her grandfathers death shortly after. Good luck with the funeral, for you that will be harder to cope with, my heart goes out to you.

Thank you so much.
The family has decided not do have a funeral, but a celebration in the park instead...

Thanks for the update, I'm sure you're just at the beginning of a long road.

Did your DS want to go to hospital to see his friend or to try and make him better ?

he wanted us to take him there so they could make him better :(

I have picked him up from school now, and he has had another cry. He keeps saying "Poor xxxx", "I want xxxxx" and "xxxx is supposed to be alive today" etc

heart breaking

DD is nearly 5. Her little brother will be born in a little over a week and we have been told (for some weeks now) to not expect him to live long (minutes) - so I have some sympathy with the struggle of trying to explain death to a young child, although at least I've had more warning than the OP.

We felt it was best to be direct with DD as you hear of so many well-intentioned euphemisms (like 'falling asleep') scaring young children. We have told her he is ill, the doctors don't think they can help him (although we have made it clear doctors can and do help and heal lots of people), and so he is probably going to die, but that he is still her little brother and he will be cared for by God (we're Christians). We've told her it will be a sad time as we all (inc her) want DS to be with us, and that we want her to tell us if she is sad or wants to talk.

We've been offered contact with a bereavement counsellor who works with children if necessary - it might be worth asking your health visitor/GP if they know of one locally, or asking bereavement charities for advice on childrens' resources - my brother was given several helpful resources by the Hospice when our mum died.

This is a difficult situation for you and your son - I shall be thinking of you.