Support Thread for those bereaved by suicide

[ShirleyGunpowderPlot]

Hello.

I'm not sure if this thread will help anyone, or whether it will just disappear without a trace, but I'm willing to give it a go!

Recently I was on a thread (unrelated to bereavement) and another poster mentioned that they had lost their father to suicide. I have also suffered this loss, and suggested to the poster that they have a look in this topic for a place to explore their feelings and also to see if anyone could give any advice on how to speak to children about this sort of grief. I couldn't find anything in the Bereavement topic and so thought I might try and start a safe place where people can come and try to come to terms with this difficult kind of loss.

My dad committed suicide on the 16th April 2004; four days before my 31st birthday. At the time I had two children aged 6 and 3. I had split from my husband in the preceding June.

It was very very hard. Dad had suffered from depression a few times before, but this bout had been very aggressive, only starting in the January of the same year.

The last thing I ever said to him was "Dad, you need to sort yourself out, this isn't fair on mum"

So.

I am only now, 6 years on, starting to feel less angry. The anger has been a surprise to be honest, white hot and unrelenting. I feel let down by him; so terribly abandoned and let down.

After dad died I moved in with my mum, sold my house and here we all are still. Me, my mum and the boys - it's very difficult to explain to people that I live with my mum; it sounds so...pathetic, but it's not. It's really not, it's what we needed at the time, and I think we still need it now. Is that weird?

My children still don't know the truth. Dad hung himself off the staircase in the house where we all live. How do you explain that?

Anyway, that's a little bit of my story, you can come and share yours if you want; or not...I just thought that it might be good to have a place where people who need to talk or get advice or cry or scream could come.

Let's see...

Changingmynamebriefly, your post has come at an apt time. I just found out today that one of my DD's friends' mother committed suicide on Thursday. She has left a devastated husband, and two DDs, 10 and 12.

I am in such shock. She was a beautiful, talented and lovely woman. I also heard that she was suffering from depression. I was thinking, how could a woman who seemed to have everything (very wealthy, kind, stunning looks etc etc) leave her beloved children? But your post has helped me to understand a bit.

My DD is in shock too. Her circle of friends are distraught for their friend. Her funeral is this coming Thursday.

I just cannot take it in.

my mum killed herself when I was 14.

for years I thought (was allowed to think?) that she took an overdose, but actually she suffocated herself with a plastic bag. I only found this out this year, in a chance conversation with my dad. He seemed very surprised to hear what I thought had happened.

for years I made myself understand her choice because I was comforted by the thought that it was possibly a cry for help gone wrong, gone too far by the time the ambulance came. Now I know it wasn't.

My brother died three years ago and thanks to my family's well meaning dishonesty I will never have an honest conversation with him about it. I never understood why he was so angry with her. He never understood why I was not.

she left us a note saying we were better off without her, she was sorry, bla bla bla. For years whenever I read that note I felt sympathetic sorrow that she was in such a bad place. now all I see is a load of self-pitying bullshit. that is the anger that has consumed me; I can't see anything else atm.

children and young people need honest answers in these situations. I repeatedly asked and begged for them, but no one gave them because they were 'doing their best for me'. Now I have nowhere to put the incandescent fury because to lay blame would be to break my family's hearts even more. So I get to suck it up just like I have done for the past 20 years and will do for the next 20/40/however long.

It's a fucked up situation.

I looked after two children twice weekly for six weeks in autumn/winter last year because their mother was depressed. She had had undiagnosed postnatal depression dating back to the birth of her second child four years previously. Our childminding arrangement came to an end when I was told that she needed round-the clock care/supervision, and the children would be taken care of by the same carer. Last week the mother was left alone, owing to a misunderstanding in the informal care plan, and she took the children to their schools, then went home and hanged herself from the stairs.
The most terrible thing is that the kindergarten that the four-year old attended does not appear to have a sensible 'uncollected child policy.' When the mother did not turn up to collect her four-year old son, the teacher took him home, where, unfortunately, he was able to see through the glass door, his mother hanging. There is even some suggestion that the teacher was overheard discussing the situation with him, saying" yes, she looks very dead. I don't think they'll be able to help her at the hospital" , as opposed to getting him away from the scene. How are such people allowed to run kindergartens?

I feel gutted for the children, though I know there is a family suport worker in the extended family, a devoted dad, and a wonderful grandmother, who is in a state of shock right now. T
he older child (possibly) has an Autistic spectrum disorder, and the younger one is very emotional and was already having nightmares before this incident. I'm not seeing them right now, will send a card to grandmother, who first hired me, and to their father, but I can't even talk about it much where I live because it's a small town and I'm afraid of gossip.

I'm feeling a bit alone, because my new employer is a mother of a very young baby. She's just returning to work and is understandably anxious about this, so I can't turn up at her house and tell her that my previous employer has just committed suicide, possibly because of PND.

There are other people I can talk to but I thought I would like to share with others online, to get some perspective. We are all very shocked here.

I lost my sister to suicide when she was 17 and I was 16. This was 10 years ago and I still feel very raw. I try to think of her as little as possible and never mention her by name.

Now I have become a mother I don't know how my parents coped with it. She was their first born and the acheiver of the family. I spent 3 years in and out of psychiatric wards after her death which added so much pressure on them.

I feel guilt about taking all the attention that she needed when she was ill. She tried several times before but none of us thought she was serious about it.

I hate her boyfriend at the time for blaming us and making our community shun us as he told everyone lies.

I still can't believe there wasn't an alternative for her.

I just wanted to bump this. I don't feel ready to write my story (or at least I wrote it then had it deleted in a change of heart) but it's good to know I'm not alone.

So sorry for everyone who has been affected by this. It's a pretty lonely state to find yourself in.

Thankyou for bumping this Ninjacat, I wish I had found this thread sooner.
My mum commited suicide when I was 16 just 3 months before I took my exams. My sister found her in bed, it was just the 2 of us in the house at the time.
The way I was treated at the time was horrific (this was nearly 20years ago) - people would cross the road rather than speak to me, teachers told me to get on with it as crass as it sounds I used to wish that mum had died of cancer/in an accident anything but suicide.
It has wrecked our family.
I must admit that because i am very vocal I refuse to let this be another taboo I am extremely honest about how she died. Might sound stupid but I feel as though I am helping break the taboo of suicide one small piece at a time.
When I had DC3 I struggled (I am also the third child) I can't comprehend why she did it. I miss her so much - she would have been a fantastic Nana and would have adored my DC.
But I am also so angry with her. Why didn't she just leave my dad instead of leaving us kids?
I remember thinking at the time that nothing else would ever touch me - a part of my heart closed off forever, nothing could ever be that bad again.
Sadly my DH also has experience of this. His mum hung herself when she was 10. Yet we deal with so differently. I have good memories of mum and can cheerfully say that if she was here she would be annoying the shit out of me by interfering etc whereas in his eyes his mum is a saint who never put a foot wrong. Its so hard. I also think it explains why my DH struggles to show his affection at times whereas I hug my DC a 100 times a day and tell them they mean the world to me.
Sorry for mammoth post - don't even know if it makes sense it just feels good to let it out and know I'm not the only one
Much love to all who have been bereaved in this way
x

Hi all just thought this would be a good place to post that www.winstonswish.co.uk can help anyone with children who needs help dealing with the after effects of suicide. Anyone can receive free help if they are bereaved due to suicide. They offer a special residential camp for children and a similar day session for parents. They really helped a friend of mine get through a traumatic time. There is also loads of material on the website and a helpline.

Haven't read all posts but wanted this thread to be earmarked for me.

My BIL committed suicide just over 2 years ago. It's still so so raw. I don't know how we will ever comes to terms with it.

He left a beautiful DD (just turned 2 at the time), brothers, SIL's, nieces and nephews. We were all extremely close ... at least we thought we were :(

ok I dont know where to start but I need help in understanding the chaos im living in.
I should be a very happy new mum with my dc4 bbeing born a few days after christmas but trgicaly we lost our beautiful teenager in what was descrbed as a road accident only 5 days after, but due to the nature of the crime scene the police think she had lay down in front of the oncoming car.
We can not comprehend her actions, and the only trigger was her mind controling boyfriend who we did not want her to see, I warned her he would damage her.
On the night of the accident he had told us he would be out of town,we later found out this was a lie, and due to him being out of town we let her go out to a girlfriends house, when she was there he kept calling her wanting to meet her and she agreed, within 20min of being in his company she was dead.
He said they had an argument and she ran off, but we think he has more to do with her death, after all she was happy,had started a new school which she ws loving,was head over heels about her baby sister, and we were very close, talked about everything, she had many plans for the summer ahead, so none of this makes sense.
I have searched her room for anything to hint that she was down or feeling low, but there is nothing,she left the house that night happy, no drugs no fall out between us, she was my best friend and she knew this, we had a very close bond...and now I am lost without her, surley if someone has suicidal thoughts there are some signs??
The police are taking no action against the "boyfriend" as if it was just an argument then that is that in their eyes, but the pit of my belly is telling me that there is more.
sorry if this all sounds a little dis-jointed but my head is a mess.

I am so sorry to hear about your daughter Lee. It sounds like you have some really complex issues going on here.
Are you in contact with any bereavement groups at all? Did the police assign you a P.L.O. (Police Liason Officer)? I am sure you must need to talk over some of these issues etc

www.brake.org.uk/ would be good for you to chat to. Stay in touch and lots of love to you all xxxx

we do have a P.L.O working with us but we have been told already there will be no prosecution as when she was found she was on her own with the "boyfriend" back at a party, but the kids at the party were very drunk so their timelines are out,and we are also aware of him changing his story, but again the police dont think its that important?
The girls my daughter was with before the accident had borrowed her phone and had called the "boyfriend" saying "where are you?, and he replied at the woods (he told police that he was heading towards the woods)then he was asked She(my daughter) needs to come back, as she needed to be home for 10, to which he replied "we cant" and then he hung up the phone?
her friends have said this was strange because normaly they would hear her in the background but they said it was too quiet, the "boyfriend" has been noted to be in an agitated state, and showing no signs of grief,

mothers instinct here but something is not right.
thanks for your link x

Lee,
Please give Brake a call they will give you lots of support and help and will advise you on how to proceed. They are also an independent organisation that you may find useful due to their neutral viewpoint.

Presumably their is an inquest in the pipeline. Have you been given any details of coroner, dates etc? (may be a little early yet). You may be able to arrange a meeting with the coroner and discuss your concerns.
They can sometimes be very approachable and may even do a home visit.

Stay in touch and take care x