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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

I hate this time of year ..I feel so sad today

19 replies

ComeWhineWithMe · 04/11/2010 09:44

It should be DD's 12th birthday on Sunday then on dec 13th it is the 12th anniversary of her death and I'm so fucked off about it today I could scream.

I hate that she should be enjoying her 1st year of secondary school and making new friends I hate that I should be stressing about the added expense of a birthday just before xmas ....yet instead I'm sat here second guessing and looking online at things I wish I could buy her.

It is not fucking fair that such a beautiful little girl had to die because of a shitty virus I hate that she never got to see xmas I hate that she never had a first birthday never mind a 12th I hate that I only saw her smile once I hate thinking about how scared she must have been when she felt so ill and I hate I couldn't stop it I hate I couldn't make her better.

I hate it all ...I want my baby back.

OP posts:

TigerFeet · 04/11/2010 09:51

So sorry ComeWhineWithMe

Anniversaries are horrible

I hope the next few days/weeks are as peaceful as possible for you.

Original poster

ComeWhineWithMe · 04/11/2010 09:57

Thankyou Tiger ...I feel sick with it today quite ill tbh it hasn't felt like this since the early days :(.

OP posts:

Original poster

ComeWhineWithMe · 04/11/2010 10:06

Sorry it is such a ranty post I just really need to talk today and my family are useless.

OP posts:

TigerFeet · 04/11/2010 10:22

No need to apologise, rant away. Whatever helps.

Families can be utterly crap can't they, don't know what to say so end up saying nothing or think you should be getting over it somehow.

My own experience of bereavement isn't that of a child so I'm sure it's all x100 for you, but useless families I can definitely empathise with.

Do you want to talk about your daughter?

Original poster

ComeWhineWithMe · 04/11/2010 10:30

I don't know TBH I can go ages without feeling physically hurt by her death anymore but then it just hits me like a big wave and I don't know what to do.

Her death was so awful and shocking nobody expected it she went to hospital with bronchiolitis and ended up in icu 3 days later with organ faliure and swelling on the brain there was nothing anyone could do.

I can remember it all like a film peoples faces what songs were on the radio stuff like that.

Nobody will mention her birthday but I know they will talk to other people about it it sounds heartless of me but it is like they want sympathy from their friends for themselves but nobody wants to comfort me nobody wants to talk about her.

OP posts:

2shoes · 04/11/2010 10:32

I am so sorry, I have no words but just wanted to post, so you know I am thinking of you xx

rubyrubyruby · 04/11/2010 10:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TigerFeet · 04/11/2010 10:41

I'm sorry it's so isolating for you. It just isn't fair, what happened isn't fair and the way people are reacting to it isn't fair either.

Do you mark her birthday? Perhaps you could this year, even if you don't usually.

Original poster

ComeWhineWithMe · 04/11/2010 10:49

Thankyou 2shoes.

Ruby -I have posted a few times but I can't keep up with it and then feel bad for not supporting the others on the thread and they are all such lovely ladies.

Tiger -we used to let a balloon go but we stopped I don't know why.
We could do something I will think.

I am not usually this needy just having a very bad day.

OP posts:

aDarkStarWithStrangeWays · 04/11/2010 10:57

Being needy is not a crime :) You need comfort and solace, that's completely normal after suffering such a dreadful loss.

If it helps, I often think of you and your DD because of something you wrote on here about remembering the feeling of her nuzzling into the space between your neck and shoulder. It's such a powerful image.

I will be thinking of you on Sunday.

everlong · 04/11/2010 11:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

ComeWhineWithMe · 04/11/2010 11:07

Thankyou Darkstar you made me cry but I think I needed to IYKWIM?
That is my main image of her when I am thinking of the nice stuff.
I always remember how she loved to get really snuggled into me.
I used to sometimes feel as though she was still doing it in the first few months after aswell.

OP posts:

Original poster

ComeWhineWithMe · 04/11/2010 11:08

It does everlong, November and December are not good for me.

I just wish I could give her one more cuddle.

OP posts:

gardeningmum05 · 04/11/2010 11:24

bless you...march is bad for me my daughter was born and died in that month and i wait for it from january onwards and hate every day of it!

kuckingfunt · 04/11/2010 16:58

Thinking of you ComeWhineWithMe. I have no useful words that will stop your sadness but just wanted to say that you are in my thoughts.

DanceInTheDark · 04/11/2010 17:05

Thinking of you CWWM. Maybe you should do something to remember her in what would be a very important year in both of your lives. Thinking of you x

aDarkStarWithStrangeWays · 07/11/2010 11:01

Thinking of you and your DD today, CWWM :) The sun is shining here, it's beautiful (if a bit nippy). Hope it is where you are too.

Original poster

ComeWhineWithMe · 07/11/2010 17:26

Thankyou DarkStar it is lovely of you to think of me

I am ok -DP is pretending that it is just another day and no extended family have mentioned her either.

But I am ok I don't feel as bad as I did on Friday

Thankyou :).

OP posts:

TigerFeet · 07/11/2010 21:01

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