unsure

[shandydrinker]

my mum died on friday, im at her house arranging her funeral with my baby and sister. our partners and my 3yo are Coming at weekend. How do i tell my son? I feel he should be at funeral, but is this appropriate? He wasthe lightof my mums life.i feel so confused and numb,what should i do?

I am so sorry to hear your news :(

I have to say, my Mum is ill and I often think about this issue. I have 2 dd's - the 3 year old is the apple of my mum's eye. I personally however wouldn't take her to the funeral. I think it would be too stressful to manage.

Can anyone look after your lo?

Thinking of you.

thanks for your reply, we have nobody he would have met before to look after him, everyone will be at funeral. People hsve offered to take him but they would be strangers to him. Zz

How do i tell him and explain?

Hi Shandy, I lost my dad in January and I just wanted to say how incredibly sorry I am for your loss. Personally I believe that children should participate in funerals, as well as being informed of the process of dying and not being kept away when close relatives pass.

Invariably they accept the concept far more easily than adults do, but if they are shielded from it can often have terrible imaginings about what happened to their nan or whomever, particularly if the adults in their life don't discuss it with them, and they of course pick up that THEY ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO KNOW.

Having said that, the 3 yr old is young to fully grasp it, but to be honest any disruption to the funeral they might cause would, in my opinion, be appropriate. They loved your mom and she them, I think it is utterly right and fitting that they be there to commemorate her life.

Once again I am so sorry for your loss.

This is a good article

talking to children about death

Hello - so sorry to hear about your mum. Just wanted to say I lost my dad recently and had to explain it to my five year old. We just said grandad was very ill and he died. She doesn't always understand and asks if he's coming to see us - but just keep reminding her. Re funeral - I did take my DD with us. The only thing I would say is that I looked round at one point for my DH to give me a hug and he had taken my DD away as she was upset to see everyone crying. I felt a bit lost that he wasn't there for me. Hope you're ok. xx

One other thing about the funeral, I think it helps to explain to them properly about what to expect - that a lot of people will be sad because they will miss nana because she's gone to heaven (or whatever fits in with your belief system), and they may be crying, the casket will be there etc etc.

Again your ds is 3 so full details might not be relevant but to give him a sense of what to expect will be helpful. Often children don't really get the permanence of death.

And Emmy, I'm so sorry about your dad, it is such a profound loss.

thank you for all your replies, i am sorry about your losses and very grateful for your advice.

Shandydrinker, sorry you are going through this.

Think Rycie has given some excellent advice.

You need to tell it how it is I am afraid. That means in simple clear terms that a child is going to understand and not be confused by. So that means avoiding the sort of words that we as adults usually use for death, such as 'loss'
You do need to tell the child what is going to happen at the funeral,that people will be upset, and that it is ok for them to be upset. If you can let your 3yo take something like cuddly toy or some colouring or book for a little distraction.
Your 3yo may well ask questions (and the same question) for quite awhile.

Hope it goes OK when you do tell 3yo, I know how hard it is to do.

My Mother (RIP) was not even told that her Mother had died until after the funeral. My Mother was 14 at the time!

I agree that it is utterly right and fitting that even quite young children attend funerals.

we have decided to tell him gran is dead and explain that her heart stopped etc.

A family friend has offered to take him to play with her 3yo and then bring him to the wake.

He will meet her kids the day before, so plan a is this. if he doesnt want to go he will come with us. plan b, dh will supervise him and i will hold the baby.

Does this sound sensible?

he is coming with us, my best friend is going to help. thank you for all the advice. he arrives today and i have to find the strength to tell him and to get through the next few days, im numb just now, but it will hit me soon.

Hi Shandy, I just wanted to send my support and sympathies. I hope it went all right telling your ds, and that you are coping with it all.

thank you rycie, it went smoothly, much better than i thought it would, my friend flew in to help and i am so grateful to her for that. Ds was amazing today and we were all very glad he was there.
Thank you all for your help at this difficult time