So, my Grandad is dying.

[EvilEyeButterPie]

He is nearly 98, he is now on morphine, not taking food or fluids and expected to last only days. He is DNR- he is an old and tired man who has had a full life and has had a horrible time of it for the last couple of years as he lost his body and mind. He was always such a dignified and independant man, and my mum did all she could to keep him at home with her, and she is a nurse specialising in elderly care. Eventually though, it became obvious that he couldn't be managed at home and that it wasn't fair on my Nana to be trapped in with him as he got aggressive.

He is now lying in a nursing home, with my nana, mum and uncle with him. My youngest sister still lives there and my middle sister is now trying to get time off work to get there. I'm debating whether to go myself straight away, as I would have to take the kids with me and that would mean potentially 10 people in the house (which is only 4 bedrooms) until the end.

My mum says not to go and just await news from over here (we are in North East, they are in North West) but me and my sister are worried she is in some kind of denial as she only told me he is dying at the end of a phone call chatting about kids, the weather and so on, and my sister only found out as my Dad was visiting her anyway and he told her.

Do I go? He is apparently asleep and will not wake up.

We were very close to him as we were growing up, our parents both worked long hours and we spent much of every day with our grandparents- people at school thought we lived there. He taught me to read, and I went on to study literature. He was working till he was 90, doing the accounts at a scrapyard once a week. They used to come and pick him up in the tow truck, and have to push him up into the cab :)

He refused to have a walking stick for years, and would instead carry a long umbrella to lean on, so people didn't think he was old :o

He was in the TA and so was one of the first people to join the effort for WW2. He was part of the secret service, in some kind of admin role (he won't tell us exactly what, in case the nazis find out) He was part of an operation to make the germans think we would be invading at calais, to trick them. He has a framed signed photo of Eisenhower and medals, but says he has forgotten all french apart from how to ask a girl on a date :)

He never drank or smoked, and took vitamins every day. He dealt with all the bills and so on for the household, and sat up for hours with my uncle, helping him revise his latin and maths. (Mum had to help with the housework apparently)

He taught us to recite poetry by heart and he loves to hear hymns. He got a commendation from the bishop for long service in the church choir.

My Grandad. I hope he is comfortable, and that he is comforted by his faith.

Does the C of E have last rites or something? I wonder if my mum has sorted that out. My nana is evangelical, and they always had a bit of a rivalry about church, so not sure if she would arrange it.

How sad. I lost my grandmother last year. She was 90 and spent the last 8 months of her life in hospital and then a home. I still miss her every day.
I think you should go and say good bye.

Your Grandad is a fine man.

He is sleeping now and is on his slow journey to rest in Heaven.

Would he say to you if it were someone else - yes you must go,yes you must sit there and share the grief? yes you must hold the hand as they pass away for his hand held yours as you crossed busy roads?

Would he want his family that he brought up so strong in mind and spirit to sit and await his passing? is that a measure of love? or is love measured by how that person is remembered? how many things you yourself pass along of the things that he taught you?.

Every time you speak of him to us, to your dh to your dc you are keeping your Grandad alive,everytime you think of him and you think of something you shared your Grandad is still there alive in your heart.

For you to travel there would mean disrupting your family it might mean spending money you can ill afford,it most certainly means that you will share cramped and upsetting conditions whilst mourning a man who holds a great piece of your heart.

Its not about being there at the end its about being there all the way through,I think a lovely way to remember your Grandad would be to take yourself off to church and have a gusty sing,light a candle or say a prayer for your Grandad and afterwards have something as a family that Grandad loved a steak pie/a big packet of liquorice allsorts whatever.......its not really your Grabdad lay there all frail and asleep - your Grandad is on his way to heaven where he will once again be the big strong loving man that he was when you was a child,and there is no doubt in my mind that hes watching you all and the love you all have for him is evident.

Do what you think is right.

God Bless.

I'm probably horrible for thinking this but if only we knew for definite. I hate this sitting by the phone, not knowing if he will last for months or hours.

I'm not religious at all, although tbh I do feel a weird compulsion to find a church like his and go there, kind of to feel close, if that makes sense? The only church I know round here is catolic though and the services at C of E are all in the mornings, aren't they?

Would the church mind if a random heathen wandered in and sat at the back of a service?

Nobody minds anybody in any church - if you feel you would find solace there- then go.

You dont have to be in church to speak to God though nor do you have to pray to speak to him either.

I although Im catholic didnt 'choose' church until my Mother died when I was 11 - it seemed that in Church there was a 'place' to talk and think about her and pray to God.

I always think that the week between a death and the funeral is kind of a no-mans land -the loved one is neither here (alive and with us) nor there (in Heaven) and I think when someone is in the situation you are in this no mans land is extended.

There is no right way to act no right way to feel -you must just do as you feel best.

((a very un mn hug for you))

Your Grandad sounds like the most amazing man and you have such lovely memories. I think you should go if you want too, is there someone else who could take the children for a few hours?

Just had a phonecall from my Dad. He has hours left. I'm on the first off peak train to Preston tomorrow with the baby, DD1 is staying here to be looked after by DH, ILs and nursery.

So, so sad.

Was very odd talking to MIL just now. The last funeral I went to was her 31 year old son. This is a completely different prospect.

Anyone who prays, it's not my "thing", but I'm sure my Grandad would love it if you could give him a thought tonight. Thankyou.

Im sorry .

I'm so sorry. I'm not a praying person either, but I will think of you.

i'll be there by 13.15 tomorrow. Pretty sure that will be too late, but then even if I paid the extra and stood up with the baby on a peak time train, it is still three hours travelling, and I don't think he will last till the morning even.

Just doing some work emails to get my bookings covered and sort out anything I won't by able to keep up with via blackberry. Luckily I work in a good team that will be able to help me out. My grandad always had a good business head and would be very annoyed at me if I became unprofessional due to a silly little thing like him dying :)

That's a point, I must make sure I take smart clothes. He doesn't like all these modern scruffy clothes where you can't tell if the person is male or female. At least I now have a ring on my finger to go with the baby in my arms :)

Ah, Grandad. you rule. I will raise a glass (non alcoholic) to you tonight.

Him and nana celebrated their 60th wedding anniversary this year :)

Thing is, it's kind of "right". He's an old man, and his beloved family are all coming from all over to be together for him. Kind of bittersweet. Obviously we all wish he could live forever, but to be nearly 98 and looking back on a long and happy life, and then falling asleep and not waking up, isn't that how we all want to go?

I just need to make sure I don't weep at the train people tomorrow now. At least I have the baby to keep me busy. I did think of not taking her, but she is breastfed and I don't know how long I'll need to be there.

I have cleared my work diary till next wednesday- will that be enough? I suppose that I can always clear more if it looks like I need to by the weekend.

He died this morning. We had all been round his bedside the night before, talking about memories, and he twitched as we were telling him his favourite ones. Funeral next week.

I'm so sorry for your loss, but I'm so glad to hear that you were all with him the night before - I'm sure he was extremely grateful to hear you all talking.
Thinking of you.

Just re-reading this thread. It is nearly his birthday- he was born on 12/12/12, which I always think is a pretty impressive birthday :)

I'm so glad I saw him alive before he went. I went to see his body in the funeral parlour, but, it is odd, it was just like looking at a model of him. He wasn't there.

The church was packed for the funeral, and the choir walked down the aisle in front of the coffin, which apparently they hardly ever do. Me and my sisters read the owl and the pussycat, and there were some brilliant hymns. Then we all went to the institute and drank tea and had cake- he would have loved the cakes :)

He always loved Christmas