Not having a good day

[orangeflutie]

I'm feeling quite down today and it feels a long time until Saturday:(

Saturday 16th would be my firstborn DS's 12th Birthday. He died from cot death/SIDS on 7th January 1999 aged 11 weeks 6 days. Not a day goes by when I don't think of him in some way or another but I feel very emotional today. I usually feel a little better once his Birthday is over but find the lead up to it difficult. This year it seems really hard, maybe because I've been struggling with depression over the last year and worry that I will be overwhelmed with sadness. I am on ADs and have been feeling better for a while but the thought of getting through this week seems to have really got me down.

I have three lovely DDs for which I'm so grateful as I don't know what I would be like without them. However the loss of my only DS and all the might've beens is so painful.

Somehow his Birthday being on Saturday is worse as it is such a family day. We usually go and visit him, but I'm not sure how I'm going to get through the week until then.

Hi orangeflutie. Didn't want your post to go unanswered, and hoping someone with experience will come on here soon. But in the meantime, sending you a cyber-hug. Is there someone in real-life you could talk to? Ask a friend around for a cuppa and tell them how hard this week is for you?

Thank you flimflammery.

I seem to have posted this thread twice. TBH since I moved to where I am now about 8 years ago, there are very few people who really understand how upset I still get around this time, after all these years.

I think a lot of people expect me to be 'over it'.

Orangeflutie, I am very sorry for your loss. I have not lost a child, but I wonder if you know that here in Mumsnet's Bereavement section there is a very special thread for bereaved mothers? I tried to do a link, but failed. The thread is headed 'Beyond the distant star, I wish upon tonight to see you smile, If only for a while, to know you're there'. The ladies who post there are extremely supportive - and they certainly would not expect you to be 'over it'.

Thinking of you. x

Orange,

Please can I send you a huge cyber hug. I think I can begin to understand the pain you're feeling and I'm so sorry you've been through what you have and lost your beautiful son.

One of my twin boys died of cot death nearly 3 years ago (at 1 month). It still seems like a blur as it's one of the most horrifying things to experience. I don't think people can even begin to imagine and I know for me it still feels like yesterday...

I really feel for you when you say you feel people expect you to be over it... I get the same vibe. How can you ever begin to be though? Your boy is with you all the time, I really understand you when you say that.

I think it's also very tough to have his birthday and then another long build-up to his anniversary. I know we've been feeling crap since the beginning of Sep as the birthday was last week and we have the anniversary of his death at the start of November. It's very long and drawn-out and I'm guessing you must find that too.

Please be kind to yourself. I'm sure that it will become apparent how you need to spend your boy's birthday and you will get through it together. I'm just sorry you're feeling so down right now.
Have you found some years worse than others (as I've actually found this one to be the worst so far?)

Sorry not sure I've been much help. Just wanted to say that I understand why you feel so sad.

Bergitte xx

Thank you everyone for your support.

Bergitte I'm so sorry this has happened to you too:(. I totally agree with you when you say it seems like a blur. I often find myself wondering did it really happen? Did I have a son? It's hard for my DH as he looked so like him. One positive thing that helps is we took a lot of photos. At least I have these.

I think some years have been worse than others. Definitely the year he would've started school. This year may be similar because he would've started secondary school. There are always going to be milestones and each one really hurts. I also find his Birthday harder than the Anniversary as I have dds and normally I'd be planning what I was going to do on their days. I also think how nice it would be for them to have an older brother..

It must be really hard for you losing a twin and feeling sad at the same time as feeling happy on their Birthday. I guess as your little boy gets older you can talk about his brother more with him and this will help keep his memory alive.

I spoke to my doctor on the phone yesterday. As I've been so down this week I've started to worry my depression is coming back. (I have managed to reduce the amount of my AD over the last few months). She was lovely and said it's fine and understandable I would have bad days and to allow it a bit and not to panic. I was starting to get scared I was losing it again. She also suggested things I could do to try and destract myself. Yesterday I managed to go out for a long walk. I normally run which helps clear my mind and makes me feels better, but can't at the moment as have pulled a calf muscle:(

It's been arranged I see her next week for a chat after this weekend.

Sending you a big hug and will be thinking of you in November x

Orange

How you doing? thinking of you. Hope you've had some better days this week... Thanks for your message x

Thanks Bergitte this week has been better. I went to see my doctor on Tuesday and had a chat. She helps a lot and has suggested if I need to upping my AD about Christmas time so that I don't get too low leading up to my DS's anniversary in January.

I managed to get through last Saturday 16th ... The day is full of mixed emotions really .. My DH made a Birthday cake. We try and celebrate in some way.

Can't believe another Birthday has gone:(

Hope you're ok x