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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

Just lost my cat - how to tell dd aged nearly 3

31 replies

mummydreamer · 08/09/2005 15:22

My gorgeous lovely moggie just disappeared a few days ago and I have just heard that she had been found dead. I'm really quite upset as she was my "first baby" and was so much part of the family. However, biggest crisis is what to tell DD, aged nearly 3. We have no body to bury, as the neighbour had already "disposed" of it, but I have to tell DD something. We aren't religious so kitty heaven just won't cut it really. Any ideas?

OP posts:

Chandra · 08/09/2005 15:27

Explain to her in simple terms that may not scare her (don't say he walked out to be found dead, or something that implies that something like that may happen to her). Maybe telling her about cat's heaven and wiritng a message for the cat that you can tie to a ballon may help a bit. Hugs.

madmarchhare · 08/09/2005 15:32

Two options.

Lie, and say he's gone to live on a farm with lots of other cats and mice to chase.

Or, depending on what you think she will understand, tell her that he was poorly, went to sleep and wont be waking up.

starshaker · 08/09/2005 15:34

this happened to us when we were wee and my mum told us that she had moved out cos thats what u do when u are old enough. and that when he was purring etc she was saying goodbye

bundle · 08/09/2005 15:35

please don't say the cat has gone to sleep and won't wake up. a nurse told me that they no longer use this language with children as they can become afraid of falling asleep. heaven in a non-religious way is represented in a lovely book, Goodbye Mog, where the (friendly) ghostly presence of the family pet looks over their new kitten and the rest of the family. I'd just tell it like it is, making sure she knows it's ok to be sad but that it's equally important to remember happier times. do you have some photos of the cat?

Chandra · 08/09/2005 15:40

I have read Goodbye Mog, definitively a good book for the ocassion.

bundle · 08/09/2005 15:42

Goodbye Mog on amazon

Prettybird · 08/09/2005 15:42

We were open with our ds and said that our cat hadn't been well and that the vet (the "animal doctor") hadn't been able to make him better, so he had died. But that that was OK, as it mean that he wasn't sore any more.

hunkermunker · 08/09/2005 15:45

I was told that next-door's cat had gone away when I was about this age - told that when they get old, they leave home.

For years after, I believed this would happen and would ask quite worriedly how old people's cats were, in case they were near to the age Sparky was when she went away.

MD, very your cat has gone - recently lost ours and it hurts a lot.

madmarchhare · 08/09/2005 15:51

Good point bundle, hadnt though of that, ah, I have so much to learn .

bundle · 08/09/2005 15:54

milosmum · 08/09/2005 16:27

When our cat went missing my Ds (who is 4) told everyone she had gone home to see her mummy - bless...

Lonelymum · 08/09/2005 16:32

Oh I am so sorry for your loss and for the task you have of having to tell your dd. I am hoping to get some kittens soon but dread the idea they might be killed or die when the children are still so young.

Original poster

mummydreamer · 08/09/2005 16:38

Dh and I have had a conflab and are going to tell her that when cats get very very old, they go off on a journey and don't come back and that this is a very special thing that cats do. We'll try and keep it positive and tell her that there are lots of nice things we will remember about our moggie.

I'm keen to avoid the sleep analogy for the reasons listed here and don't want to say too much about being "very very poorly" as my Dad is terminally ill and I don't think I can face endless questions at this stage. I only plan to tell her if and when she asks and not give her too much information. Do you think I'm on the right lines?

OP posts:

bundle · 08/09/2005 16:44

I personally wouldn't bother with fancy analogies about journeys etc. The newborn baby of a close friend died recently and we told our 5 yr old that the baby was very, very sick and despite having an operation and lots of clever doctors helping him, he died. She asked me whether I'm going to die too and (gulp) I told her yes, but not for a very long time. I'm sure you'll do what you think is right for you and your family, xxx

Original poster

mummydreamer · 08/09/2005 16:48

Lonelymum - although we are very upset about the death of our cat, having a cat around the house has been such a positive thing for us all - adults and children alike and I have no regrets about this at all. Our dd adored our cat and learnt to care for her and handle her properly. She was very proud of being chief moggie feeder!

I suppose we cannot protect our loved ones from loss but we can try and help them learn that it is ok to be sad and teach them how to cope when sad things happen.

Go and give a warm, loving home to a cat / kittens (try cats protection league!)and enjoy watching your children develop a healthy respect for animals.

(Oh I sound so martyr-like....)

OP posts:

batters · 08/09/2005 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pabla · 09/09/2005 10:36

I remember being told that my cat had gone on holidays when I was a similar age - trouble was, I kept expecting it to come back.

NoPearls · 09/09/2005 10:50

Our cat died last year, just after someone else we knew had died.

DD (3.5 then) had seen this person when they were quite ill (they decided to go on their terms and had a party a few days before they died rather than stay in hospital!) and so knew they were ill and wanted to know what happened. We are not religious but said he had been very ill and the doctors could not make him better and he had died.

We then passed a graveyard and DD asked questions - she grasped the concept that 'when you die you are put in the ground with a stone on top' and then started asking where our cat's hole in the ground was...

No matter what explanation you choose to give, you will no doubt be met with questions that you don't expect!

arfur · 09/09/2005 12:59

Our cat was killed by a car last month and telling our 2 (dd 5 and ds 3) was really one of the hardest things weve had to tell them and we too debated whether to tell the truth or some gentler story but in the end we told the truth and were glad we did. DD burst into tears and was distraught for half an hour or so then drew her a picture to put in her grave with her and chose some of her toys to put in with her too. We didnt let them see the cat as they didnt ask and we thought it best, although the next day DD asked us to dig her up so she could see her . DS said straight away 'can we have a rabbit now' and has been fine. I must admit we used it as a reinforcement of road safety too and although DD still draws the odd picture of the cat complete with blood 'where she got squished' I think its good for them get used to these things from a young age in a way. P.S. we too are getting another cat soon and we have already got the rabbit and a guinea pig too!

arfur · 09/09/2005 13:04

By the way Mummydreamer I cried almost non-stop for three days and I still really miss her (she was our first baby too)so I am sure your DD will get over it far quicker that you and be fine. Big hugs to you and your DD.

bambi06 · 09/09/2005 13:54

you`ll probably be surprised at how accepting children are of situations, esp whenthey are younger. my ds adores my parents dog and it died recently and after explaining that it had been ill for a long time and he was VERY old and the vet couldnt make him better so he died and all my ds could say was poor blackie , are they going to have another dog then? iwas more upset than they were , both kids totally accepted it.

larlylou · 09/09/2005 21:15

we recently went through this with my ds. Our cat disappeared the day he was due to be put down (had cancer and became very poorly) only we couldn't find him. We searched for a week, had to go away to my Grandmothers funeral in France (for 3 weeks) when we got back my son went to pull back the cover of his sandpit and found the cat....he thought he was sleeping but we got him involved in the burial of the cat (as he had been to his Great-Grandmothers funeral and had learnt a bit about it from that). He now thinks that the cat is an angel in the sky.

nikkie · 09/09/2005 23:37

We told my dd1 when various pets died(we lost 2 dogs a horse, 2 fish and g-pig in 18 months )
that they had died and were now stars.
The night my horse died she wanted look out of the window and there was 1 really bright star in the sky. I cried so much when I saw it- still cry now when I remember

HumphreysCorner · 10/09/2005 13:33

Have lost 2 cats on the road and words can't express how devastating it is. (((XXX)))

hatstand · 10/09/2005 19:21

our lovely cat died at Christmas - he had cancer and had to be put down. I was really upset - he was my first pet really, but - and I'm going to risk sounding a bit brutal here - dds (2 and 4) didn't actually care. Sorry but it's true - they didn't. I was most worried about the putting down bit - I thought they (especially dd1) might start thinking that that's what happens when people get ill. but we just told them that he died because he was very ill and he wasn't coming back. They took it in their stride. They've always from the first days - had a vague idea about death coz dh's mum died before they were both born, so thehy've always known you don't live for ever - so maybe that helped. Ironic - it's meant to be the other way round isn't it?

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