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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

would you take an 8 year old to his much loved grandma's funeral?

31 replies

sageygirl · 03/10/2010 14:38

Long illness which DS knew about over the last few months. Grandma and DS were close and saw each other a lot. DS seems to understand what's happened - unlike my 4 year old who doesn't really get it. Would you take him to the funeral? I am inclined to as he needs to say goodbye too, but do feel perhaps he is too young.

OP posts:

PerArduaAdNauseum · 03/10/2010 14:40

What sort of a boy is he? Would he be able to sit still, would he be frightened by the grave or crematorium? I think 8 is old enough but it really depends on the individual child. If you think he's old enough and he wants to go, then saying goodbye is a lovely thing to do. HTH.

PerArduaAdNauseum · 03/10/2010 14:41

Oh, and I'm sorry for your loss.

sarah293 · 03/10/2010 14:41

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AbiAbi · 03/10/2010 14:42

I went to my Nans funeral when I was nine. As she was so elderly, 83, when she passed it was more of a celebration of her life than a mourning IYSWIM.

I didnt go to the grave however, just the church service.

I agree with Per, it depends what kind of child he is, and what kind of service you are expecting.

I'm sorry for your loss too

Original poster

sageygirl · 03/10/2010 20:17

thanks everyone, I think I will take him. The crematorium is as unscary as such a place can be and no grave visit is involved. He can sit still - enjoyed several all day cricket matches this summer - but as for parental instinct that's something I've always lacked - but he isn't the type of child to get upset provided his parents are there - whereas not going would get to him - he is not the child to be fobbed off with special treats when he knows what's happening and takes great pains to always know what's going on. And I think being involved and being able to talk about it afterwards when he wants to might help.

OP posts:

onepieceoflollipop · 03/10/2010 20:19

sorry for your loss sageygirl.

This is a subject that may result in mixed responses.

We took out quite small dcs to their great grandfather's funeral. We had intended not to (assuming wrongly that grandma would not think it appropriate)

Actually we were wrong; she said very clearly that if dh and I were happy to bring them, then it would be a great comfort to her to have the whole family around her on the day. We had a day of mixed sadness and happiness.

onimolap · 03/10/2010 20:24

I would take him, but do think about where you'll be sitting so someone can take him out if he does in the event find it unduly distressing.

I hope it's a good send off.

cat64 · 03/10/2010 20:39

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BCBG · 03/10/2010 22:17

Have to say i disagree with last poster: I took DD4 (aged 7) to her beloved grandma's funeral as they were *very8 close... she was solemn, quite and had written a prayer which we tied in a scroll and placed on the coffin (which was unscary wicker). She also picked some lavender and took it with her. She held it together until the coffin was placed in the ground, at which point she burst out with "I want my Grandma" and set all the adults off! However, she was at peace afterwards and very contented to have been there to say goodbye. It was incredibly helpful to the mourning process. By contrast my sister decided not to bring her 8 and 10 year old cousins and they dont seem to have the same peace of mind. I would say if DS would like to attend, and understands that the grown-ups may be sad, then take him.

PotPourri · 03/10/2010 22:19

Yes yes yes. Take him. It's not fair not to - unless he doesn't want to go. He needs to say goodbye, he loved her too.

All the grandkids went to my gran's funeral and it was lovely. And having kids there reminds the mourners that life goes on and they often bring joy and laughter to such a painful time.

Take him

thisisyesterday · 03/10/2010 22:23

yes, i really would take him

i went to my grqandpas funeral when i was 5. i can remember it now. i wasn't upset, i didn't really understand. but i can remember very much wanting to be with everyone else, and my brother and I put flowers on the coffin (we were the only ones permitted to)

i also went to my beloved grandma's funeral when i was 8. again i would have been absolutely gutted to be denied going. it was sad, i cried a lot... but i needed to be there. i was very upset that i then was taken to my friends house rather than being allowed to go to the wake

veritythebrave · 03/10/2010 22:23

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pointydog · 03/10/2010 22:25

Possibly. Would depend on what he wanted and how you think he would cope.

beachyhead · 03/10/2010 22:27

Please take him - I didn't take my ds to my mum's 2 years ago when he was 7 and he talks about the fact he wasn't there all the time. I completely underseimated how much she meant to him. If I could turn back time....

nameymcnamechange · 03/10/2010 22:29

Am thinking of your family at this very sad time.

Yes, I would definitely take a child of 8 to the funeral of a grandparent he was close to.

Funerals are about the dead, not the living .

piscesmoon · 03/10/2010 22:29

I would be led by him-if he wants to go then take him.

unfitmother · 03/10/2010 22:31

Why on earth not?
My Mum died a few weeks ago and all her grandchildren were there. They all were present at a service round an open coffin the evening before and all threw flowers into the grave. The only child who was kept slightly in the background was a 2yr old, the others ranged from 5 to 14.

2shoes · 03/10/2010 22:32

bit late to this, but I would if he wants to go, we took dd(sn) to her granddads funeral, and I am glad we did as it gave her a chance to be involved and say goodbye

sorry for your loss

pinkthechaffinch · 03/10/2010 22:33

I took ds, then 7, to DH's mother's funeral last year and he was fine, although he was close to her in real life.

And at the funeral breakfast afterwards, his presence was really valued as he readily chatted to older distant relations about he had never met before and seemed to cheer them up. I felt very proud of him.

unfitmother · 03/10/2010 22:38

Mobile playing up....
Meant to add that none of the children were traumatised by the experience. Excluding children from funerals makes them imagine what must be happening and denies their grief.

drivingmisscrazy · 03/10/2010 22:38

yes, take him. It will help him make sense of his own feelings to see that other people loved her and miss her too. My mother took (in my view, still, in my 40s) the wrong decision by not allowing me to attend my father's funeral when I was DS's age (I went to school, FGS!!) - it took me many years to come to terms with it, and I still bitterly regret that I didn't get to celebrate his life like everyone else did, even though I was his only child...

I now live in Ireland where everyone goes to funerals, including children and no-one thinks it is strange. But do make sure that you talk to him about what is going to happen - e.g. that adults will be sad, but that they will also laugh and smile at their memories of her, and that both things are OK.

Clary · 03/10/2010 22:45

Sorry to hear about yr mum's death.

Yes I would take the 8yo to the funeral. If you think he will be OK. If my mum were to die now then I would take all my 3 unless they really didn't want to go - they are 11, 9, 7.

Oh BCBG so moved by "I want my Grandma", tbh that kind of reaction seems totally appropriate to me, tho of course if the child were really really upset and damaged by it then I guess it's not OK.

drivingmisscrazy that's very sad.

unfitmother · 03/10/2010 22:49

Drivingmisscrazy, that's terrible, your poor mother must not have been thinking straight.

drivingmisscrazy · 04/10/2010 08:51

probably she wasn't, it was a long time ago and I think people thought very differently about how children grieve - I have found it hard to forgive her for the decision, though I do try. I think if I were (for forbid) in the same position, I would want my DD to be at her parent's funeral - and indeed, will be happy for her to attend to funerals - hopefully a long way off - of her grandparents, provided that when we have explained to her what will happen, she still wants to.

TwasEverThus · 04/10/2010 08:58

When my father died, circumstances meant that I was on my own with Ds at the funeral. Attending to his upsetness means that I missed a lot of it. I still feel to this day that I wasn't there and didn't have the chance to say goodbye.

So, if this is your Mum's funeral, please try to have someone else there who can comfort ds - his dad, or other granny, in case you need your own time. Hope that makes sense.

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