Remembering a child?

[youknowmeasharimo]

Hi,

I would really like some help with this...

my DH has 2 DDs from a previous relationship. He also had a DS, but the DS died at 4 months.

We now have a DS and DD...

Recently, DH's dad passed away and his mum is coping with all of those emotions (amazingly well, she is a wonderful person) but recently, she has started saying that she has 8 grandkids (she has 7 + the little boy who died). She no longer wants to 'exclude' him (she recently had her photo taken with all the grandkids, but has said since, that it wasn't all of them, there was one missing.)

I don't really know what to say. I do try to remember the little boy (we remember birthdays and the anniversary of his death) but sometimes that even feels wrong to me, as I know his mum would not approve (DH's ex and I don't get on. At all)

I am guessing this is all to do with my FIL passing away, but not sure what to say to MIL.

How sad for you all.

You are probably right about MIL being affected by FIL dying. I'd just be extra kind to her, not comment on it, and hopefully it will get better in time. How does you DH feel about her speaking like that about his son who died. Does it keep it raw for him too?

Thankyou for replying.

I think it is because MIL now feels that FIL no longer exists... even little things like getting rid of his slippers are terribly hard (as they would be for anyone) and I think it has made her feel like she has ignored the little boy for all of these years (DH's ex is quite odd about the grave and refuses to have flowers on it, so it is quite a sad little place)

MIL doesn't really talk to DH, she talks to me. DH (like any parent) never really got over it. Neither did his ex, I don't think. It is still extremely raw.

But, I feel I'm tredding on territory that I shouldn't be on. Does that make sense? I mean, I have good relationships with the DSDs, but I have always rather felt that the little boy was nothing to do with me. He died long before I was ever around, and (especially as I'm a mum now) I don't think I could ever come close to understanding how that feels.

Your poor DH. Did the other Step Kids know the one that died? How do they feel?

I can totally get where your MIl is coming from feelig she needs to give the little one the same respect as her DH. My Mum also finds it terribly hard dealing with my Dad death. I still have a jumpoer of his that he lent me one day and I certainly couldn't get rid of it now.

I think all you can really do is be as kind to them all as possible about it. If your DH finds it upsetting to have the little one menetined so often he needs to let him Mum know. If DH wants to remember the little ones birthdays etc that is up to him. You His Ex need not know about it if it upsets her... or do the DDs tell her?

sorry for appalling spelling.