Feeling a little lost tonight :(

[neverenoughMEtime]

it's 2 years tomorrow since my dad died...this time 2 years ago we were with him in the hospital, no idea he would die in 5+half hours time..sounds stupid, how could we not know?? At 9pm i kissed his head and said goodbye thinking i would see him again tomorrow. Then the awful call at 1am from the hospital.....gone. Just like that.

2 years on, how raw it all feels. I wish dad had a grave i could visit. I wouldn't feel so lost then. I would visit often, keep it nice for him. It would feel right. No, mum says no-one would bother after a while and its better to keep his urn in her house. Fine by me i guess, he's closer to her there and i can go there too. But its not the same. I need something to do, tend to his grave for him or something, somewhere where he is iykwim. Her house isn't the same. I look at his urn and i know he would hate it, it is black and morbid looking (i know they arn't supposed to be colourful :) but dad was funny about "Morbid" things)

I feel the need to sit in my car in the hospital carpark..you can see the window of the room he died in from the carpark. I spent a lot of time just sitting there in the days between his death and us getting his ashes...It felt like i didn't know where he was and just felt lost, can't describe it. Once we got his ashes home i felt more settled iykwim. But I spent hours in the hospital carpark last year on this date. i feel closer to him there even though i know that is the last place he would want me to be!!
Im feeling the need to go again. This is so hard. I just miss him so much.

Just had to get it out.

anniversaries are very hard.

dads are very special.

it is only 2 years - no time. it will be raw.

could you do something nice with your family?

we have no grave either - wish we had.

what about planting a tree or something?

Hello.

Nicky, the tree idea is LOVELY. My dad died 6 years ago (how can that be? how can he have missed this last 6 years? ) and we still don't have a grave. His ashes are buried in the cemetery, but no gravestone, and just a tiny little moundy type thing.I can't broach the subject with mum... I don't know.

Anniversaries are awful, It does get easier, honestly, but these first few are hideous.

Another cliche coming up - It's ok to miss him, all of your feelings are normal and OK, and as hard as it is you have to just, go with it, feel it, have a cry, whatever. Don't think that you should be feeling a certain way, the way you're feeling is just what you're feeling, DYKWIM?

Thanks nickytwotimes.
I'll be on my own tomorrow with baby DD2 all day while DD1 is at school. When she gets home we are going to write little notes to "Papa" and send them up to him attached to balloons :) DD's idea.

Tomorrow night im going out for dinner with my mum and brother to celebrate my dad's life. But its hard as we will get a table for 4 wont we and have to sit looking at the empty chair like last time...

Planting a tree is a lovely idea, thanks nickytwotimes.

Sorry about your dad shirleyknot. I know what you mean. My mum doesn't like to show emotion and thinks we should all move on and whats the point in being upset etc. Makes this 10x more difficult to deal with really.

Anniversaries are rubbish. Poor you.

I think the tree idea is a great one too.

balloons are lovely.

maybe restaurant would remove chair? i know it doesn't solve anything, but one less reminder?

it is true that the pain lessens in time. if you feel like i did then you don't want it to yet because in a way as you NEED to remember it to hold on to him. but this will change.

do what feels right to you.

5 years here.

thanks missorinoco.
Yes we should get them to remove the chair. It's going to be a happy evening, remembering my dad and laughing about things, he was so funny at times :) Could do without his empty seat staring back at us though...

Your right, i feel like i need to remember it to hold on to him. Wow 5 years, i hope you are feeling a little stronger. It can't be like this forever can it.

yes, much stronger.

it changes. it is not raw anymore.

you'll get there but it is tough. heartbreaking.

Good im glad to hear you are feeling stronger about it.

Thanks for your support :)

Sorry to hear about your dad ruby. Thats a nice idea. Hope it helps you. I do feel i need somewhere to go too.

Yes, balloons sound great. On my dad's birthday we buy a cake and put candles on and take it in the garden for Grampy to blow them out.

It's hard. Very hard.

My mum is, not so much that she doesn't show emotion, (I think that's more me to be honest, I'm quite cold and hard in RL) it's just the Final Thing i think, y'know? The Final Goodbye is putting the stone onto the grave; the family are starting to talk a bit and...ugh, this isn't about me! (Everything is about me!)

Nicky is right about calling the restaurant and asking for a table for THREE. Big emphasis on the three to the booker, maybe explain the situation, people are generally very kind as most of us have had close bereavements

x

like the cake.

i have to go, but hope tomorrow is as okay as it can be. i'll have a check on here, see if you're about.

Thats a nice idea shirley. My dad's birthday is boxing day! He was always the only birthday in december, then 15 months after his death along comes DD2 on new years eve gutted he missed it.

Ah i see, it's hard sorting things out with the family isn't it. Hope you manage to get something sorted soon.

I think i will get DH to call and ask them to take away the chair, good idea thanks. I never thought to ask

Thanks nicky :) I should be about at some point. Kind of you to think of me.

My mum and dad's birthdays both fall on the day of their months (um, y'know like 05/05, or 08/08 for example) This has got NOTHING to do with the topic at hand, but I always thought it was a bit...cosmic

YY, Get DH to call and sort out the table. My mum and I and my auntie went for a haircut the day before dad's funeral. I will never forget how gentle and kind those girls were to us. I couldn't understand what was happening at the time, until the girl who was washing my colour out whispered in my ear "I remember losing my dad when I was 7" and squeezed my shoulder. Someone must have pre-warned them before we arrived and they were all so kind

See? Now that's kind of magical isn't it? Amongst all this grief, being able to be empathetic and kind to others is a gift. So see how you go on the table booking.

Will be thinking of you tomorrow, and will try to get on thread to raise a glass to your dad. (probably a cup of coffee, but the feeling is the same)

Thanks shirley [crying emoticon!] that was so lovely of the hairdressers. It is magical. DH is calling the restaurant some time today.

I dropped DD1 at school then went with DD2 to buy the balloons to release for dad tonight. Then i saw the chinese lanterns!! I got a blue one

DD and i will write special messages on it when she gets home and let it go when it gets dark :)

Im going to take baby DD to the park when she wakes. Im going to have to get out and get on. Just had to answer the door to the postman with mascara running down my face not a good look!

Thanks for thinking of me, it means a lot xx

HI never.

Hope today is going okay for you.