Explaining death to a 4yr old

[slippersocks]

My daughter has recently developed an obsession with death. She has not experienced anyone dying, but has lots of questions about what happens when you die, eg 'what happens to your body?', 'can you talk to people when they have died, and can they talk back?', 'When will I/you die?'.
I want to be as truthful as I can when answering her, but sometimes am not sure what to say. We are not religious, but I have mentioned 'heaven' to her.
Just wondered if anyone has any advice or knows of any good books we could read together.

This is a fantastic book i found - really helps explain everything fully. I have it for my son, who is now 6 and have lately been reading it with dd who's 2.

As for explaining things to her, when my DH died, DS2 was three, and i told him that daddy got very very sick and daddys body wasn't able to make itself better and daddy died and we were very sad because it meant we couldn't see daddy ever ever again. He understood that to an extent, and i think as long as you're consistent and honest then you wont go far wrong.

DD1 (4.7) has been talking about death quite a lot lately. I try to be honest and we are not religious, so I have steered away from mentioning heaven, though I've been tempted because it's quite a nice way to soften it.

I have told her that it is sad when someone dies and that you can't see them any more and she seemed happy with that explanation. But she kept asking about where various relatives are buried.

I recently discovered that she is worried about being buried and insects eating her - I don't know where she got this from, but I have had to steel myself and promise her that I will make sure this can't happen - even though I hope I will be long-gone by then.

Perhaps there is something in particular that is worrying her. For my DD it seems to be the practical rather than the emotional!

when my gran died, dd had just turned 4. she came to the funeral and saw the coffin and the burial.

we talked in advance about bodies being buried and turning into the soil that makes the trees and flowers grow. the morning before the funeral we saw a dead mouse on the garden path, and we buried it. she looked closely at it, how it was broken and poorly so its body didn't work anymore and it would be used to turn into soil. she seemed to like this.

she had visited my gran over the year in and out of hospital, obviously very ill. we talked about getting old too, and that everything dies eventually, old leaves, old animals, old flowers.

after the funeral we talked about religion a bit, about christenings she'd been to, and now a funeral (circle of life etc), and how there are different religions because people don't always know what happens when you die so their religion can help them have an idea and feel not too sad about it. she decided the idea she liked best was coming back to life as another animal. she wants to be an elephant!

she's quite matter of fact about death now. she asks about it now and again if we see a dead animal. 'that will turn into flowers won't it mummy?' 'will it come back as a lion, or will it go to heaven?' etc. she said to her friend the other day 'don't run out on the road cos you might get dead and not be born again.' i think she gets it!

Hey slippersocks.

I think it's really important (as always, save for Santa and tooth fairies )to tell the truth and not use confusing metaphors - so don't say things like "fall asleep" or "gone away" as children then think pet or Granny or whoever might wake up or come back or whatever.

I'd say, death is the end of life. Usually it only happens when your body gets too tired cos you're very very old, or you've been really really poorly then sometimes people die. It means you never see them on earth again as we bury their body. We can't talk to them as they're not there anymore. It's sad that we miss people we love who die but sometimes it can be a blessing if people have been in lots of pain or whatever.

If you are religious or want to talk about what some religious people believe then you can also talk about people who die going to be with God and the angels and all the people they loved on earth who have also died, in a special place called heaven. (not Devon as my 2 year old refers to it after her great grandma died after we'd gone on holiday to Devon and we said she'd gone to heaven, but there was a bit of confusion for a while) There is no pain or tiredness anymore and they can hear you if you talk to them, and when you die you'll be able to go to heaven see them again and catch up on all the news. But in the meantime they want you to live a happy life here on earth so you've lots to talk about when it is time to all be together with God again.

There are some great books - try Michael Rosen's "Sad book" which I think he wrote after the death of his child.

Thanks for all the ideas and advice.
The dinosaur book looks good, although she did ask me the other day whether all people would die one day so that dinosaurs could come back!