Boy at school died unexpectedly this weekend, need help with suggestions for supporting family and pupils

[Spatz]

Brother of boy in DS's class died unexpectedly at the weekend aged 8. The school is quite small so most people knew him. Lots of parents want to help, but we would like your advice on what would be most welcome.

1. Do you think they would like practical help - meals/money? The family are not wealthy.

1. I would love help writing to the mum. They are African Muslims, but quite secular. I would normally write how sorry I am, describe a few things/little stories about him and then offer help. I also have photos I could enclose but would hate to upset them more or even offend them.

1. Do primary schools ever put up temporary or permanent memorials to children who die? Do you think this would help the family or other pupils or make things worse?

Spatz I am so sorry , I think your letter idea especially talking about happy memories is a good one . I doubt anything you say is going to make things worse for them , just knowing someone cares is good .

At our school one of the mums died a few yrs ago unexpectedly and a bench was put outside the school with a small plaque on and I think this is a really nice idea . It always makes me think of her when I see it .

How is your ds ?

Sorry I meant to say that the meals idea is a good one . Something that can just be bunged in the oven . I know it sounds daft but nothing too fancy , one of my abiding memories after our son died was a really good friend of ours giving us a fish pie that she had spent ages making . It was delicious but just too nice , I had to eat food to keep me going but didn't want to get any pleasure out of it .

I know I am officially nuts .

DS (aged 7) told me that when they were told in assembly yesterday he thought two happy thoughts because he doesn't like sad thoughts.

The primary school my DCs go/went to has a bird bath with a memorial plaque for a girl who died aged 6. It means little now but I imagine it was very important to the girls' class mates and parents. But of course it would have to be up to the parents to decide.

I do know what you mean about the food. My DH has been ill recently and I needed comfort food - I couldn't eat anything fancy.

My old primary school had a plaque put up in the reception of a little girl who was murdered.

How awful for you all though, I'm not sure how to help :/

Oh, how sad. And I think it's great that you want to try and help. Sure others with direct experience will be along shortly but FWIW...

I think practical help is always potentially welcome but figuring out how / what can be tricky. Could you take round a meal / cake or something with a card and say how much people would like to help but they want to make it useful and just ask what would be best? Perhaps if there are extended family there, they may find it easier to think. Meals etc but maybe pooling contributions and paying someone to go and clean for a morning in a week or so? Or taking away the ironing to do?

I would write, ime no one ever knows quite what to say but saying something is generally appreciated. And knowing other people remember him and enjoyed time with him will be emotional but still positive.

Don't know on the memorial, sorry. But I would try and talk to your DS and see how he's doing and encourage him to say something to the boy's brother in his class. A friend of mine's Dad died when we were quite young and I'm v grateful to my Mum for pushing me to say something to my friend the first time I saw her afterwards, she really responded to it not just being awkwardly overlooked.

He was an amazing boy - always said hello to other children and adults. I like the ones who treat you like you might be a person, too!

He came over to play a few times and was really protective of his little brother even when the was only 6.

Good idea to suggest talking to the brother when he comes back to school. I'll try and encourage DS.

How about a memory book where any children/parents/staff can write a few words about the boy. Would be a good place for you to stick in a pic or two if you have them. Would be particularly lovely for the family in the months to come when they are over the shock and just 'settling in' to the inevitable grief.

I think your ideas of food,letters and pictures are brilliant.

I know its hard to find the right words but honestly just turning up with a sorry, a hug and a listening ear will make this family feel really special right now

Everyone grieves differently but as a bereaved mum I would say you might find the family cant deal with kids the same age right now... they will feel why isnt my boy here with him/her

As time passes this will change and the parents will want to keep in contact with the children who knew their son...so perhaps further down the line your ds could go play with his brother and recollect memories of times he spent with his big brother

I dont really like facebook but I know others have set up facebook pages where kids can go and post nice things about their lost friend

hello, just bumping for you clever evening mners

In my dc primary school there is a flower bed and a plaque on the wall in memory of a little girl who died in a road traffic accident. Nearly 15 years ago now.

There is also a photo of a teacher who died, whilst working for the school, up on the wall in the school office.

I think it is fine for little children to talk about and remember their peers who have died.

But, obviously, you would need to speak to the boy's parents about having a memorial in your school.

What a terribly sad situation .

Hi Spatz.

My top tip is to read this page and provide printouts for people who want to help but don't know how. It's a how-to for supporting bereaved parents and I can testify that it's very very good.

I also strongly recommend a visit to the Winston's Wish website for help and advice on supporting bereaved children. They have advice for parents as well as a section specially for schools.

Hope this helps.

Forgot to say, dd's primary school planted three apple trees in her name, chosen by one of her buddies because she liked apples a lot.

I think a card with your memories of him is nice. My dad died recently (I know not the same thing) but one of the things that gave me comfort was the cards which talked about what a special person he was for one reason or another.

Personally what I would do initially is take round some meals, especially things that can be frozen and then reheated. I wonder if things might just be a little too raw right now for memories and photos. I think I would send her those in a few weeks - it's often at this point that people outside of the family stop going round and get back to normal, so would help them know that there are people still thinking about them.

Something like a flower bed or planting a tree in his memory something living is nicer, IMO, than a plaque or bench.

As long as it will be well maintained.

Thank you so much for your ideas. I will pass them onto the other parents who are asking what we can do.

I will also pass the link on to our mailing list. It's interesting what it says about not suggesting the care was inadequate because a few mums have started contacting lawyers/local councillors with the mum and I feel uncomfortable about it - seems too soon in her grief.

I am just getting a memorial book ready that we will leave in the school office for parents and children to write their memories of him and to put photos and drawings in.

Spatz sorry to hear this and hope you are ok.

You sound like a lovely person to take such care in trying to help in a useful way.
One thing I thought I would mention is that if they are muslims then they may have certain dietary restrictions.

Good point, although I think they ate sausages at a birthday party here - the Mum might be stricter!

I think the idea of a living memorial (tree with plaque) is lovely, if the school can accommodate it.

If you're becoming a focal point for other parents, do remember the difficulties ahead: Christmas is the obvious one, as it's so major and child-focussed here even a non-Christian family will feel it, and also his birthday anniversary.

i think a cake is welcome. There are always so many visitors after a loss, - family, friends....its nice to be able to offer something with a cuppa without thinking about it too. MAke sure any cakes are made with dietary requirements in mind.

Id also contact the local mosque, ask if the parents at the school could help support the family in any way. The Imam would be able to coordinate supporters, or put you in touch with other muslims who were close to the family who might be providing support.

Maybe look at a collection for a piece of play equipment for all children to enjoy in his name in the future? Scrapbooks could be made with photos and stories from other children about this child.

IF you do go with the meal thing, don't forget the meat needs to be Halal. Or maybe make a veggie dish?

OP - there should be someone at your LEA in charge of 'bereavement" (not in charge but you know what I mean). Or your local hospice may be able to offer some advice.