How to break the news to a 5 year old?

[TrappedinSuburbia]

Dp's dad has literally hours left.

Its the only papa ds has ever known as my father and step father died just before he was born and at a few days old.

Ds knows that papa is in hospital (now hospice) and has been there a long time now.

I have told him previously that sometimes doctors can't fix you and then you turn into a star in the sky (sorry but he's 5).

When my mums dog died (who ds didn't like), they were the very words I used and he burst out crying!

I just don't know what the best way to break it to him, can anybody give any words of wisdom?

Gah, these are horrible things to do, aren't they?

Firstly, I'm really sorry about your dp's dad, and hope you all are a comfort for each other in the rubbish time that you're probably having and will have when he passes

When my super fab gran died a couple of years ago, my ds was 2 so he was a bit young to grasp what was going on, but my nephew and neice were 4. We had explained that their great gran was poorly and in hospital. When she died, my sil explained to them that great gran was very very poorly and had died, this meant she wasn't poorly or hurting anymore, and was now sat on a huge fluffy white cloud which was really bouncy and comfy and she was probably pinching anaughty cigarette (not ery appropriate but the children all knew she smoked! You might want to say papa is pinching a sweet or somethying personal to him here?) and becuase she wasn't hurting she was a lot happier.

they accepted this and were happy with it, and when we went up to my parents we explained people would be sad and might be crying but that wasn't a bad thing and it was ok to cry, because people would be sad that they wouldn't see great gran anymore because she was on her cloud, and we spent a car journey picking the best cloud she would be on.

Looks a bit bonker sin printy but it worked

'a bit bonker sin printy'???? I can only apologise for my shite typing

So sad for your situation...it's always a difficult one. Only you know the best way with your kids. When I had to tell my kids their lovely Gran had died it was heartbreaking...I just took a deep breath and told the truth that she was just too poorly and God wanted to look after her. I make sure we talk all the time about her to keep the memories alive and they have a little photo albulm each in their bedrooms that they can choose to look at whenever they want to. They now have added in their own bits and pieces too as well. There are some great childrens books you can get thesedays that are all about bereavement and help to explain more...if you ask at your local library/google. Whenever we have helium balloons we release them up in the sky to their Gran. A friend of mine did this recently for a funeral and the children who didn't go went to a beach/park and released helium balloons as a way of saying goodbye...I think it's a nice way for the kids to do it and gives them something to focus on.

Oh, my ds is now 4 and we wave out of the bedroom window at bedtime towave to Great Gran (but that's not much use now,is it, more for when the shock will have worn off for you all.)

However, my gran loooooved all her great grandchildren, and after she was cremated, we took her ashes to a wood and all the great grandchildren scooped out some ashes (all parents present and happy, btw!) and ran round scattering great gran. A fab send off for her, but possibly not for the squeamish!

So sorry to hear this

My grandad died last summer when DD was 4. He had been vrry poorly and we knew there wasn't long left. We were able to prepare her for this by explaining that he was going to heaven where he would be with great-granny again, and get to do all his favourite things all the time, eat his favourite foods without getting ill (he was diabetic) but that once he died we wouldn't get to be with him any more. We could still talk to him, and about him and always remember all our happy times if we were sad and, perhaps most importantly it is ok to feel sad because it show how much she loved him.

She came to grandad's funeral and coped really well. She has fond memories of him, still says she is sad that she can't see him but is happy that he isn't poorly any more.

Are there other deceased relatives ( even if your ds didn't meet or know them? or friends) where you can say papa wil be happy because in heaven he will be with.... ?

Be as honest as you can. Use plain language. Be prepared to answer "I don't know" when you don't. Be prepared for him to get anxious about you dying, be prepared for lots of questions.

I think sometimes all the euphemisms we use with kids about death are more for our comfort than theirs. It's tough for us to face death and we are upset already by the bereavement so it's easier to tell a nice fib to spare our own discomfort at their grief. The problem with euphemisms and nice fibs is that they confuse kids. Kids of 5 can be very literal. When you are a parent you often have to sacrifice your own comfort for your kids wellbeing and I think honesty in the face of death is one of those times.

I read a while back that kids under 7 lack the ability to fully comprehend death. There are 3 things they have to grasp- non functionality (of the body), irreversibility and universality. Until they can fully grasp all these big concepts they don't fully "get" death, so you'll probably have to talk about it over and over until they've been through the "brain growth spurt" that happens around age 7.

Another problem with nice fibs is that it can rob the child of their grief. They are entitled to grieve as much as you, but if you pooh-pooh their sadness with soothing lies then how can they grieve? Grief is a healthy response, even in 5 year olds.

DS was only 3.7 when my dad died in June. He had visited him in the hospice and knew that Grandpops was poorly but I didn't explain how bad it was until Dad died.

IIRC correctly I left it until bedtime to tell the dc's and started crying while reading 'the snail and the whale', DS asked me why I was crying and I said that it was Grandpops had died and he wouldn't be coming back but he loved DS very much. DS did cry for a while and I said we would always remember Grandpops and I would put some nice photos up of them together.

TBH DS seems to have 'clicked' that Dad is dead as he hasn't once asked if he is coming back, although he often says he misses him, so maybe young children can appreciate the finality of it all.

He helped scatter the ashes too, although I didn't explain what the ashes were - just that we were remembering Grandpops in a special place.

There's books on Amazon too, Badgers Parting Gifts and Granpa are sweet, although I have so far failed to read them without blubbing.

((hugs)) for all of you at this time.

Thank you everyone, in the end DP told him. He said remember papa was very sick and ds said yes, is he dead now!
So it was very literal!
Ds seems to have got his head round it, I spoke to him later and said dp might be a bit sad, ds said he was sad and he thought the cat was sad too as we liked papa.
That was on Saturday, he hasn't mentioned it since, so im hoping he's ok.
Thank you everyone for your kind words.

Oh this thread had me tearing up and the sad cat got me at the end.

I'm sorry for your family's loss.
That's great that DS took it well but be prepared for him to bring it up when you don't expect it. My children will randomly have a comment or a question about their Granddad and his death.