Hi there. I am sorry you are going through this. You sound to be in a great deal of distress so first of all I am giving you a proper cuddle (not just a wee hug). We can have a good weep together too.
I am in a similar position in that my dad has had terminal cancer for four years. In fact it is four years today since he had his first major surgery, when they discovered that the cancer had already spread from his bowel to his liver. In the intervening years he has had operation after operation, chemo after chemo, and has now reached the end of the road with treatment.
He has probably got about six months to live, maybe less as complications from the numerous interventions have weakened him considerably. My husband and I have been TTC for over a year without success, and it breaks my heart that my dad will never be a granddad. Conversely, if I do get pregnant, dad will die during my pregnancy, so that would also be horrendously hard.
I know we should be trying to make some good memories but it is difficult when dad is so physically restricted, there is not an awful lot we can do together. I try to visit him and mum as often as possible, but I sometimes find it difficult to know what to talk about. They don't have a lot of news other than how dad is doing, and they don't want to talk about illness and death all the time. So I chunter on about silly things and try to act as though everything is normal (although after four years I can't remember "normal"), but then feel that's inappropriate because it's so trivial in comparison. You can't win really.
I am also conscious that weekends spent with my parents are weekends not spent with my husband ? the last four years have been hard on him too (massive understatement). We got married just a few weeks after dad was initially diagnosed, so our entire marriage has been overshadowed by his illness ? we didn?t have the opportunity to enjoy a carefree honeymoon period.
I want to share with you our experience of having counselling recently, in the hope that it may be of some interest to you. Problems in my marriage escalated a few months ago, shortly after dad was told that the cancer had spread even further and no more treatment would be possible. I was very much in the "anger" stage of the grieving process and was taking a lot of it out on my husband. My lovely husband tried to persuade me that we should have counselling together, but I dug my heels in for three reasons:
- My dad is dying ? how can counselling help with that?
- My dad is dying ? therefore whatever reaction I have is appropriate, including taking everything out on my partner
- Needing counselling is a sign of failure.
I finally "gave in" when he said the word "divorce" during a screaming argument ? so you could say he scared me into it. A high-risk tactic, but it worked. We have now had six sessions and I am happy to say I was wrong on all three counts above:
1.My dad is dying, but counselling can help:
Having a dedicated hour once a week to talk and cry (sometimes bawl) about my grief means that I don't have to talk about it/think about it ALL the time at home.
Our counsellor helps us think through strategies and approaches for dealing with each other and with my parents, simple things but they really make a practical difference, give me a sense of control, and help me to cope.
Talking via the medium of a neutral third party takes the heat out of the situation and allows us both to express things in a way that we couldn't do directly without having a huge row.
- My dad is dying ? therefore whatever reaction I have is appropriate, including taking everything out on my partner. No it isn't. It's not fair to him, he is not my punchbag, and pushing him away will only make the situation worse. However, it's fine to lean on him for support, and he needs to be able to provide that ? often by listening to me in silence, rather than trying to provide solutions where really there are none.
- Needing counselling is a sign of failure. No it isn't. It's a sign that you are self aware enough to know when you need help, humble enough to accept it, and in the case of relationship counselling, that you love each other enough to be willing to work hard at making your relationship stronger.
As you can see I'm a bit of a convert, although of course my dad hasn't actually died yet, and I still fear how I will cope when he does.
We were lucky that Macmillan is funding a project with Relate in our area, so we were able to access cancer-specific relationship counselling, but I think any kind would help, as long as the individual counsellor is skilled and you are able to form a good relationship with them.
I notice that you posted a week ago and haven't been back ? please let us know how you are doing if you can. Thinking of you xx