Sorry Jane - really!

[dejavuaswell]

My sister Jane died nearly 18 years ago. We were very different - arts v science, sporty v lazy and so on - and it would be a total lie if I said her death was life changing.

My parents, especially my Dad, were devastated but although I was sad for a while it never really hit me badly. I have never known why because I've been known to weep buckets at far less serious events.

I even have to think hard to remember the exact date she died. It was only recently when I found some old photos of us that I have started to wonder how things might have been different if she was still with us.

Somehow I feel I have cheated her by not missing her too badly.

Sorry Jane!

Grief does strange things - I am no expert by any stretch but my DD was born with problems and we had an awful first year with her in and out of hospital - all over the place.
Anyway the point of this is that I still struggle,even now, to remember her birth date as obviously that was such a traumatic time.
Sometimes in extreme circumstances I think your mind goes numb to help you cope day to day with the awful situation you are in.
Perhaps you were being strong for your parents too.

I don't think you need to apologise. I also don't think you've cheated her by not missing her badly.

Death affects people very differently. Just because you don't cry or don't remember the exact day she died doesn't mean you don't miss her as bad as everyone else.

I have lost two people in my life that I was very close to, and even though I miss them dearly I don't feel the need to cry every time an anniversary comes around. I am glad I was part of their lives and like to remember them because thy lived, not because they died.

You're not cheating your sister in any way, I'm sure she wouldn't think that either.

You and your sister sound like me and mine. Now that we live in different countries, I have thought that I would not miss her if anything happened to her. I think that just because you are sisters, then you need not even like each other, let alone be sismilar in anyway.

Jane had a long term boyfriend and of course it was very hard on him when she died. We kept in close touch with Mike for a while but contact gradually faded down to a card, with a few lines of news, at Christmas.

I recall he got married a few years after Jane died and I do wonder if he ever thinks about what might have been?

When I go to the 5 yearly school reunion I always put a photo of Jane on the "In Memorium" board they provide. I do say a little prayer for her then.

I have just spend a happy hour speaking to my siblings about Jane. All this in response to a harmless, actually quite amusing, thread I read elsewhere!

My brother seems to think about Jane quite often and (bless him) visits her grave annually. My secular sister, who lives in the same town as our brother, has a picture of Jane on the bedside table.

My religious sister says (basically) it was God's will that Jane died so we should be happy for her. "Why wouuld I want to visit her grave?"

My sister died just before christmas in 2003. Most of my thoughts and feelings have been focused on my parents and as much as I loved my little sister I too feel I didnt fully grieve.
It only really hurts when I hear news from her old best friend (ie: getting married, kids etc ) and I realise how young she was when she went.

karyncake - "and I realise how young she was when she went."

Exactly right. When I think about all that happened in my life since Jane died it seems so unfair that she died before marriage and parenthood and before she could make proper use of her hard-won degree.

Rest in peace dear sis.

Well I did it! I managed to get all Jane's siblings together at her grave side. We have cleaned the stone and generally made everything look tidy. We each left a different coloured flower in the vase which now looks really nice.

We each told our favourite Jane story and we left with that curious mixture of happy and sad feelings that you get at such events. I do wish that our Dad could have been with us.

I fogot to say that Jane's former long-term boy friend Mike was invited but he decided not to come. However he did send a lovely letter for Jane which was "read" to her.

Im glad you were able to do something lovely for your sister. . Hope it has helped.

I just got a very early Christmas card from Mike (sister Jane's former boy friend). He is very cross with himself for not meeting up with us all at Jane's grave back in October. He says he didn't come because he was so afraid of crying in front of us all.

He is married now but remembers Jane with much love mingled with sorrow especially on the anniversary of her death and when he happens to be in the town where she is buried.

He promises that, snow allowing, he will visit her grave over the holiday season. That is a nice thing for him to say and do.

After so many years (17+) of hardly mourning for my sister Jane this Christmas has been really difficult.

I have this strong image of her lying cold and alone in the cemetery wondering where the rest of the family and her boyfriend are.

It has made me really tearful and spoilt Christmas 100%.

I cried more when my hamster and Diana died than when my Nana died but today I am really really missing her and wish so much she was here, I need her wisdom right now.

I wasn't brought up in a family so it is slightly different for me but I cry at all sorts of daft things.

Dejavuaswell, I'm so sorry to hear you've been so sad this christmas.

I don't have any experience or advice, but I just wanted to say, it is so clear from your posts how much you cared for Jane, and I'm sure she knows that.

I wish you peace in the new year xx

Fab xxx too

I am feeling better now, thank goodness.

Yesterday Mike (Janes former long-term boyfriend) and I met up at the cemetery where Jane is buried. I recognised him at once as I approached the grave and I gave him a few minutes before I made myself known because I think like me he was feeling very emotional even after so long.

We had a long talk sitting on a convenient bench (rather cold though) and I think we have helped each other. I talked to Jane, which seemed rather strange but also exactly the right thing to do. I told her how much we loved and missed her and promised to come back soon.

I don't know, perhaps it is the living who also need to rest in peace

dejavu, your post has made me cry. Sorry Christmas was so hard for you this year. But I'm glad you and Mike met each other again after all this time and were able to talk together. Here's hoping on that elusive peace for 2011, eh?

Hello Jane

When I was paying for petrol at the garage yesterday I saw somebody walk past the window who looked just like you were in your late teens. It really, really spooked me!

Hello Jane (again)

I expect you are feeling cross with me. I am feeling cross with me as well. Mike and I did meet up last weekend to clean up your grave and to put some flowers on it. It still makes him cry just to talk about you, even after so long. If anything I was worse than him so we must have looked a real pair.

But that isn't why you are cross is it? You never had anytime for the supernatural but I would swear on a stack of bibles that I heard your voice, very, very far away, saying "time to let go" as we walked back to the carpark.

Sorry sis, I'm just not ready yet.

I hope it's helping you to come on here and talk to Jane, and I hope that this Christmas will be a bit easier for you.

My sister Ceri died in 1998 aged 33. She too wasn't married or had children, I feel that her life and the skills she had as a vet was wasted. I have found it helped me to keep in touch with her friends and her ex boyfriend, although contact with him has stopped now.

I will always feel sad that my daughter who was a baby when she died will never know her.

Hello Jane (for the last time here)

You are right. It is time to let go so as part of the process I'm posting this final message. I will love and remember you always and when my time comes perhaps we will sit together and laugh about how silly I was in 2010 and 2012!