Can I ask my parents for my sister's suicide note?

[curiousdave]

The title says it all really. I don't want to rake up old wounds as I feel we're all 'moving on' but I still feel the nagging need to read her notes - I think to feel closer to her.

Bit of background, my sister died nine years ago when she was 17 and I was 16. She had previously attempted suicide twice before but had told medical professionals she no longer had suicidal thoughts.

My parents have sheltered me from most of the case and everything I know about it I have read on the internet (it was widely reported on). It was obviously devestating for them to lose their first born and they still feel guilt and shame over it. We don't really talk about it although we've started talking about her.

Would I just be adding to their pain and grief by asking to read the letters? They've mentioned one was addressed to me but I understand why they didn't want me to read it.

It is ultimately for selfish reasons that I want to read them as I want to understand her, but not at the expense of my parents.

TIA

I think if there was a letter adressed to you it is fine to ask for it. Bear in mind she was very vulnerable when she wrote it and it may not say what you expect though.

I have also been bereaved by suicide (my mum) and IMO it takes a lot longer to move on from than a 'normal' kind of death.

Hope you can get the answers you need.

I can't pretend to understand how the loss of your sister must have affected you and your sister but at the very least I think you are entitled to read the letter addressed to you. Of course they want to protect you but you are a grown man now and you clearly want as much information as possible to help you to come to terms with your sister's suicide. I would reassure them that you feel able to cope with whatever you read and that you can either discuss it with them or not depending on whether they feel able to.

My condolences.

apologies ' affected you and your parents'

I think reading a letter from her 17 yeat old self to my 16 year old self would be difficult as I was a horror. Every now and again I get caught up in the memories of the few weeks prior to her death and don't know if reading it would help or make it worse. I just want answers, and I expect you feel the same.

Did your mum leave a note? Do you know her reasons? I don't want to pry into details. Do you ever tell people what happened? I find myself ashamed of it sometimes, as if they'll judge me for 'letting' my sister commit suicde. It really is a funny set of feelings.

Thanks sparkle, that's very reasoned. I should add I am a woman, I just have a silly username

I am so sorry for your loss, curiousdave.

YOu mention there were "letters" - do you know how many?

did your parents read the letter left for you before keeping it away from you?

I think it is ok to ask for it, especially since it was addressed to you.

I think approaching it form the "coming to terms with it" angle would be useful. Maybe you could add that you understand why they would have wanted to shield you when you were younger, but a lot of time has passed now, and you would like to try to understand.

As far as I know silverfrog there were letters to our parents, her ex boyfriend and me and our younger brother. He was only 11 so definitely didn't read his. There were also notes from her previous attempts. I'm not sure if they've read the one to me, I imagine so as it was a link to her and in their position I'd want to know everything she was thinking / feeling.

I just don't want them to have to face this again, they've been through so much but I don't know if leaving more time would make a difference.

It's a very tricky subject, understandably, with them.

It must be an impossibly hard situation, curiousdave.

I agree that in that position I'd want to know everyhting possible.

I wonder whether you could use that as your opener? (which was my point in asking -if you know they have read it, then your point is stronger) - that they wanted to know as much as possible, presumably to try o come to terms with it.

And that you appreciate their thoughts in keeping the notes away form you when you were younger, and coping with so much, but that you feel that you are now in a position to try to understand?

BUt I do see where you are coming from re: not raking it up for them. That is a situation that only you can gauge. How does your brother feel about it all? Do you ever discuss it with him?

It must be very hard, but you did say you are all beginning to talk about her again, which is a good thing.

I'm sorry for your loss curiousdave.

My cousin wrote several suicide notes, one of which was addressed to me. It doesn't make a terrible lot of sense tbh, but I'm glad I have it, I suppose. At least, I can't imagine knowing it existed and not having seen it. So I think you've every right to see it and if you don't it will only nag at you.

It may be painful for your parents but it's also possible that it's something which is unresolved for them? They may be thinking you should see it but not wishing to push it on you as it were.

I tend to think you should ask them for it, but it's easy for me to say that, and understandably, not very easy for you to do it.

I don't talk about it with my brother at all, he's a very closed book on the subject. As he was 11 he remembers it but not the 'politics' that come with it.

I think I will start paving the way with some gentle conversations with my parents and try and gauge what they migth think. They like to talk about her in some situations but I've just had a baby of my own so they've become slightly down about the nostalgia of having their own first born. (I have phrased that terribly but can't think of what else to say).

Thank you everyone for your advice :)

sorry for the stupid assumption about your gender curiousdave - I should know better after a few years on MN . You say you were 'a horror' around the time of your sister's death - is it possible that she might have written something recriminatory / negative to you? If so do you feel able to process that? I would absolutely agree with your approach towards your parents ie raise the subject as and when you can and by your behaviour show them that you are ready to know everything now. Hopefully they will be comforted by being able to work through this with you as an adult child rather than having to keep it all between themselves.

I think it's probably quite common for new babies coming along to stir up old grief.

This could all be potentially positive though in terms of the healing process.

It's such a terrible thing to have gone through. Best wishes to you and your parents whatever you decide to do.