Friend who lost her baby at 38 weeks

[SerendipityAlways]

A friend of mine has lost her beautiful baby daughter at 38 weeks pregnancy. Shes been trying for a child for some time and this was a very precious baby. She lives in another country and I want to contact her obviously, but to be honest, I dont know what to say, and keep putting it off. I suppose I almost feel guility in one way as I have (thank God) 2 healthy kids, and I know shes been trying for a long time to get pregnant. Any advice you could give me would be very much appreciated.

Send her a letter. Tell her how sorry you are, ask about the baby, what he/she was named, whether he/she looked like them, etc. She's a mother now, though it's so cruel to have had your baby only to lose them. Don't shy away from talking about the baby at all - it's one of the hardest things bereaved parents have to face, when people behave as if their children didn't exist.

Write the baby's due date and dob on your calendar. Drop her a line on her due date just to say you're thinking of her, and write again on the baby's birthday. My dd would have been 5 this year, and my best friend always does this. it means the world to me.

And lastly, keep in touch. Letters are good because she can read them in her own time, and then keep if she wants to, but don't have the kind of immediacy of reply that emails seem to demand, iyswim?

You sound like a lovely friend.

I lost a baby at 33 weeks earlier this year. Was and am still devastated.

I know it is difficult to know what to say but I found it very painful when some people didn't get in contact as it felt like they were denying what happened.

One of the things that really helped me was to receive letters from people (oddly letters were better than emails) which were very kind and supportive and acknowledged the baby, it's life while it was in me (and how it was loved and cared for in it's short life), and also acknowledging what a difficult time I was having and how painful the grieving was. I found it difficult to read things like 'it will all be alright next time' anything basically which negated the life of the baby which had just died.

Older people, even elderly people who I had never met but knew my aunt or mother, wrote the most amazing and sensitive letters, probably because they had experienced loss in their lives and knew what was needed.

Younger people found it more difficult, and a couple got it rather wrong (inadvertantly).

Maybe follow up with emails or a call as it is so lovely to be able to just talk and here someone listen.

I hope that helps.

Habbibu, just wanted to say wonderful, wonderful, wise, advice. I am going to remember that to tell others as that is what I would have liked - thank you

Sorry for your loss, lucy. You will find a way to live with the pain, and remember your wee one with as many smiles as tears in time.

Lucy, when I look back at me 5 years ago, I am so sad for that poor woman - I was so ANGRY, so hurt, so bewildered. And I miss dd1 still, she's always in my heart, but her wee sister and brother are with me now, and I'm telling them about their big sister, so she'll never be a stranger to them.

Be gentle with yourself.

Lucy and Habbibu - Lovely sound advice and thank you so so much. I dont want to fall into the trap of not talking about the baby as (I expeienced with the untimely death of my Father) it really helps to talk about your loved one who has died. I will use your wise words. Love and best wishes to you both xx