Counselling for a bereaved toddler - any experience?

[ArsMamatoria]

It's now just over a year after OH's death and I think that my daughter (2 years 3 months when it happened, now 3 years and 3 months) might well benefit from seeing someone, or at least from my getting advice from someone.

Has anyone had experience of bereavement counselling for a child this young? How does it work? I am a bit worried about disturbing her more by taking her.

My ds was three when his daddy died, and although a little older then your dd he was help lots by play therapy.

I tried to get counselling through our doctor but they were worse then useless, in the end i paid privately for him to see a play therapist. She was lovely and i think it helped him to have a safe place that he could go to.

Near the end of that we were approached by a charity that offered us more play therapy, which we took up and that helped him immensely too - he was four and a half when he went there, and they were so good with him.

One thing i did find is that childrens bereavemet services tend to be very much criteria led - Winstons wish, although fabulous are geared to children aged about 7 or over and more specific to a certain area of the country, Barnardo's offer some bereavement counselling for children, but you have to live in a 'deprived' area, and some other charities will only offer counselling base on what the parent died from - madness!

Hope this is of some help - good luck.

Thanks Deemented. I'm finding it very hard to untangle all the reasons for the way she is behaving at the moment and to know how to deal with it.

Obviously there is a big developmental gap between just over 2 and just over 3, and I think she's really noticing and feeling things that she didn't quite process last year.

Plus there's my fear that I'm doing things wrong and so messing her up even more...

I think it's only normal to worry that you're messing her up - bereaved parent or not.

Do you think that her behaviour is that of a 'normal' three year old, or is she acting out?

My son used to get incredibly angry, but because i was so deep in my own grief he wouldn't come to me and he'd act out. I couldn't help him - i wanted to, but i was using all my energy to function to look after my children, so an outside counsellor was very helpful. Things came to a head one day when he was in preschool and had a total meltdown involving another child and a sandpit - that was the spur that was needed to say 'ok, this isn't normal behaviour, he needs to see someone.'

One thing i would say though, is that children are more resilient then we give them credit for.

How are you doing? How are you coping with your grief? IME if you are ok then your child will be too.

Hi
Sorry to hear of your loss.

I'd like to give you a different perspective.

My sibling died suddenly (aged 10) when i was just 3. My parents sent me and my older sister (8) to a weekly child therapist. Oddly I remember bits of it really clearly. Its hard to know if it helped or not.

I think my issues later on (arose during my teen years and to some extent are still present at 33) came from the way life was led following the tragedy. my parents divorced, my mum refused to discuss the sibling who died.

My experience was that I would probably been helped enormously and may not have had some issues I've had if the big things in my life had been more "normal" e.g family life and functional adults/ older siblings in my life. Its very hard to guage how helpful those sessions were for me.

Maybe wait until she is older and can articulate herself better- or maybe seek advice of a child therapist on these matters.

All the best.

Sorry for your loss.

I was an 'uncounselled bereaved toddler' and I think it definately had a big negative affect on me growing up. But my dad never spoke about my mum (who died) and I think maybe I didn't need counselling but just for my mum to be talked about, photos displayed and for my dad to let me and my siblings know all about her and what she was like. Which are probably things you are doing for your DD anyway.

Have you had any counselling yourself? Could you ask your counsellor for advice/recommendations?

My friend's DC lost their dad at just over a year old - two years on and the child does seem to be 'reacting'. Its almost like my friend is just getting her life on track and it seems as though her DC has spotted a chance to grieve now that the mum is able to notice.

I hope you are getting support for you, and good luck.

My sister's OH died when her youngest was about 3. He and her other DCs were helped by a charity called Brambles. It allowed the DCs to explore their feelings in a safe setting and without fear of upsetting her. Also they offered support to them as a family and to her so she had some guidance with helping the DCs.

Thanks for your responses.

I have often noticed her go very quiet when friends or her cousins mention their Daddies. It's as if someone has switched off the expression in her face.

She is constantly asking 'Why did Daddy die?', and 'Why did Daddy not meet [DD2]?'

Today, I went to test drive a car and she became absolutely distraught at the idea of having a new car - proper, heaving sobs and 'I want my old car'. When we got back to the dealership, she announced completely appropos of nothing to the salespeople 'My Daddy died' - she has never done that kind of thing before.

She's not acting out as such, though the potty training has been a long, drawn-out process, not helped by the fact that she is very aware that she was a baby when Daddy was alive and that he did a lot of the nappy changing (there's also the complication of a new baby sister). I think we've finally cracked that one at least - she's been dry for three days now.

Up until a couple of weeks ago I was getting between 3 and 5 hours sleep a night (my late evening insomnia coupled with DD2 waking early), so I have been horribly tired and irritable and much too short-tempered with her. She worries about making me cross and hates to see me cry, hence my guilt at messing her up. Since DD2 has been sleeping through, I have managed to spend a lot more time with her and been less stressed and shattered - we've been doing craft-type things together, reading lots of stories etc. after DD2 goes to bed. She seems generally happier these last few days, yet seems to be getting more and more affected by things. Or - horrid thought - perhaps I'm just noticing it more now.

We talk about 'Daddy' a lot, remember things, look at photos, I tell her how proud he would be of her and how much he loved her, so he is very much in our everyday lives in that way.