VERY delayed reaction

[frostyfingers]

I recently went to a funeral of someone I knew fairly, but not very well. He had died unexpectedly, and was mid fifties. One of his dc's was the same age that I was when my father died, and there are two elder siblings.

I went into the church feeling sad, but not especially so, but during the service completely fell apart - it was a lovely service with some wonderful tributes, and I was a complete wreck. I felt as though people were looking at me thinking "why no earth is she so upset, she's not a relation or even a close friend", although tbh, they probably weren't.

I couldn't go to the wake, and went home and wept for ages and was very down for the rest of the day.

I can only assume that it was a reaction to my father's death 30 years ago - the feeling of those children being in a similar situation to mine, the loss and all the what if's. Up until now I had always thought I was ok, and had been to other funerals where people had died before their time so I'm not sure what the trigger was here.

It was a horrible day, and I still feel a bit weepy (as well as slightly embarrassed at my reaction). Has anyone else had a similar experience, does the feeling pass again or should I do something about it?

I had a similar experience at the funeral of our next door neighbour. I did know him quite well and was sad that he had died - but I think the reaction was more to do with the death of my own father when I was 18.

I find now (especially since I have had my own kids) that I get unreasonably tearful at other peoples grief - even on tv or radio. So you aren't alone - maybe it is quite a common reaction.

I did the same at my step Grandma's (Dad's side) funeral. My Grandma (Mum's side) who I was very close to had died a few years before and I thought I'd coped with her death and funeral ok.

As soon as I walked into the church for my step-gran's funeral I completely lost it. Couldn't breathe for crying, or stop crying for the whole service.

DH also did it at my Grandad's funeral, 5 years after his DB's death.

It did pass, for both of us and it was kind of a release and relief to be able to lose it so completely but with a valid reason, iykwim.

I guess if it doesn't pass maybe think about having some bereavement counselling with an organisation such as Cruse. DH had some and it did help him.

frostyfingers - I was more upset at the funeral of a great aunt than at my own mother's. My Mum's funeral was in June 2008 and the great aunt's in December 2008. I did have counselling because lost both parents within a year of each other and was feeling devestated. Realised I had been frozen with shock at my Mum's funeral, probably as a coping mechanism - felt far worse afterwards than I had all through my parents' illnesses and deaths. Some of us freeze up and go onto automatic piolt, to enable us to cope. I think the situation can release feelings in you which are totally unpredictable. Someone important was late and they kept playing music my mother had loved - I just cried and cried.

If others were embarassed I think that's up to them. All to do with with the great British stiff upper lip and the problems we have with showing strong emotion. A couple who were next to me just moved right away and no-one acknowledged how I was feeling, except my dear supportive dh. Think you just identified with the situation you were in 30 years ago and you have reacted as you needed to. I think grief is a very ongoing process, like getting through a maze, going round in circles, and you can suddenly feel terrible again however long ago the bereavement was. If it continues to trouble you, as others have said, some counselling might be good to work through what you probably buried at the time. You did that in order to get through and there is nothing to be ashamed of in feeling it now. Thinking of you.

Thankyou for your kind words - I must admit I was taken aback by the strength of my reaction. I do often think that the "British" way of funerals is not a good way to help the healing process. I'm not sure I'd go as far as pulling my hair out, but a really good loud wailing session would probably work.

I'll mull things over for a few weeks and see how I feel then, and perhaps investigate counselling. We were offered very little in the way of support, and my school didn't even tell my classmates in advance - so I had to tell them when I went back which was hard. It's all so different now, and I hope those who are bereaved get the help they need when they need it.

I do still feel a bit gloomy today and the wet doesn't help, my twin dc's have just had their first batch of GCSE results (ones taken a year early), and I wish my Dad could have shared our joy at their success. Onwards and upwards!

it is events like that (eg results you are proud of) that always make me feel sad too - so many times you think Dad would have loved that. My dad died in 1985 and I still think it from time to time.

I have had similar reactions before and have often reacted more to a situation involving complete strangers than when it happened to me. Don't be so hard on yourself and take care.

Many years ago my 22-year-old brother died in an accident. I was two years younger than him. We were very close, and it was a terrible time. But I bottled up a lot of my feelings, mainly because I felt that I had to be "strong" (as I saw it then) to carry my parents (especially) and my younger brother through it all, and also because I just translated my grief into huge anger at the world.

Seven years later my cousin died in an accident at the age of 30. She was a lovely person and I was fond of her, but we were not close. Yet I wept absolute buckets at her funeral, and afterwards too. I know that not all those tears were for her; many of them were for my brother and my unresolved grief at his death.

So I would say that what you went through is not uncommon. You were sad at your friend's unexpected death, and sad for his children, but I would guess that this sadness also "allowed" you to give way to unresolved grief at your father's death too.

It's taken 30 years for this to happen for you, perhaps because you couldn't grieve "properly" for your father at the time, for whatever reason. Perhaps you were like me, and thought you could not grieve fully at the time because you had to support someone else (your mother? your siblings?). Or perhaps you just could not accept your father had died and so you pushed the thought to the back of your mind, thinking "I will deal with those thoughts/emotions later." Or perhaps you were just too young to make sense of it all.

Whatever the reason is, perhaps the fact that you have reacted so strongly to your friend's death and funeral will allow you to think things through in a way that you may not have allowed yourself to do for 30 years?

Perhaps counselling might be helpful. Perhaps phoning a bereavement phoneline might help - I think many of the people on the end of these lines have talked before to bereaved people who have not talked about their bereavement for many years. Or perhaps you might find it helpful to talk to other family members/friends who remember your father - such conversations might be a first step on your road to counselling, or indeed you may find that they replace your thoughts of counselling. Only you can decide that.

It's sad that your school (and perhaps others round you) handled your bereavement so badly 30 years ago. Let's just hope they would do better today...

But in the meantime, frostyfingers, I really wish you and your family all the very best. xx

(and sorry this is so long!)