My grandad died last night.

[HecateQueenOfWitches]

I can't get my head round it. 5 weeks ago he was on holiday with my parents. Then he started to feel off it, couple of weeks ago they had the doctor out who said it was a bug, 3 days after that they asked for a different doctor who sent him straight into hospital. Then we find out it's cancer. He was in hospital for a week and then he wanted to come home, so we all made sure one of us was with him all the time. In 3 days he went from being able to walk with his stick to his comode to needing to be carried to needing a pad. Last night he died. I just can't believe it.

When my dad phoned me last night to say he'd died, I made the 45 minute journey in 30! And I was able to hold him and kiss him and tell him I love him. It would have been his 87th birthday today. It's my son's 10th. His birthday will now always be the day after my grandad's death.

I was with him every day. We all did 'shifts' iyswim. But I didn't do yesterday, my sister did, and I feel so guilty. I wouldn't have been there when he died because it was in the night and mum and dad were the ones who slept over but the one day I didn't sit with him is the day he died.

I haven't told the kids. I can't tell them on ds2 birthday! So I've got to plaster on my happy face, sing songs and serve cakes like my grandad hasn't just died. I feel like I'm on fire in my chest.

I don't know why I'm posting, it feels somewhat attention seeking but I am here with my happy face and me and my husband can't talk about it today because the kids are in and out and I don't want them to find me crying but I need to talk about it, have someone say "yes, I know how you're feeling. This is what happens next, this is what you do," you know?

I'm so sorry, Hecate . Hopefully, as it was so quick, he wouldn't have suffered too much, although I know that's not much consolation.

Don't feel guilty though. I'm sure he would not want that for you.

so sorry . It's OK to cry in front of the DCs and you don't need to 'hold it together.'

My grandad, on the day he died, took himself out for breakfast, went to mass, and by the looks of it, just sort of collapsed.

Sounds like yours had a good time almost right up until the end.

I am very sorry Hectate.

My husbands grandmother died the day before our first child's first birthday. It has never ruined the day for me but I do always think of her on my son's birthday.

Oh Hecate, I am so sorry.

It's going to hurt, but do you know what- you have been with him in his last few days and he knows how much you loved him.

Even though you can't tell the boys today, celebrate your grandad's life as though he was with you if you can. As you say- today would have been his birthday as well.

(hug)

Thank you very much folks. I've been helping to sort out the house. A really, well, I can't describe the feeling because it's not like any feeling I ever had before. Sad, low, happy (at the memories I come across!) angry (at the loss) - all rolled into one.

My husband is taking the kids away for a few days so I can crack on without feeling guilty that I'm abandoning the kids!

We haven't told them yet. The funeral is a week on friday so we'll tell them at the beginning of next week.

At least while they're away I won't have to keep rushing to the bathroom every time I think I'm going to cry They must think I have the worst tummy bug ever!

I feel for your loss. It sounds as if your GD left a legacy of love which will sustain you in the future. Cry and storm now, it's a human reaction and do not over protect your children from seeing your emotion. Best wishes to you all.