Anyone lost a parent just as first child been born?

[indigobarbie]

Hi,
I just wondered if anyone has experience in this situation as I thought I was coping OK, but 6 months on I find I am not.

My Dad was diagnosed with cancer earlier in February and 4 weeks later he died, he wasn't told that it was terminal he was encouraged that he could be treated - I wondered if he would die as he looked so bad and had lost an awful lot of weight, amazingly quickly.

Anyhow, during my pregnancy I was housebound due to severe SPD and I couldn't see my Dad as much as I wanted to in the weeks before his death. He died 1 week after my DS1 was born, and luckily I got to see him a few days before he died and he did get to see my son.

I thought I was coping and had accepted everything but now I am finding it really hard to cope, and it's as if it's just hit me - the reality of it all. Trying to be strong for others in my family.

I am so glad my DS is here, as this has shifted our focus and probably allowed me to 'keep on going' but I really wonder now if I've just been riding on hormones for the last 6 months as I just can't believe it has happened and of course I really miss my Dad.

Hi, I am so sorry about the loss of your dad. I lost mine to pancreatic cancer last year and it too was so much quicker than we had anticipated.

Although my DSs were older (7 and 4), my dad was so close to both of them and it still devastates me now on their behalf as to what they are missing ( and what he missed).

I think 6 months is no time at all and not only have you had newborn hormones and sleep deprivation, you still get devastating waves of 'shit, what the hell happened?", "I can't make sense of all this' all the time, and also despite the fact your DC help you make sense of the circle of life, they also do not give you some much needed time on your own to reflect about what has happened and try and make sense of it all .

It's hard, there is no pretending, but you will feel different as time goes on.

LadyBla, I'm so sorry for your loss too. It is so quick that we don't get time to process it.

I couldn't think of what to name my post title, I didn't mean that I have any obvious special circumstances just having had my first born etc and of course losing your parent whatever your circumstance is always going to be difficult.

Thank you for your reply, and sometimes people just think that it happened 6 months ago, so why shouldn't I be over it by now - when really it's just beginning to dawn on me, and like you said "shit, what the hell happened" yip, it's all been a total blur.

Thank you x

Hi Indigobarbie,

I felt moved to post to your reply because I lost my dear old dad in a most horrific (it seems to me) way to cancer also, exactly 11 months and six hours ago. I know this exactly because it is even more raw now than it was in the weks leading up to and following his death. It is particularly acute at present because I am reliving every last minute of last year every day. I still cry os fend off big lumps in my throat most days in my monemts of idleness. ( Of course, having a good old weep as I type

I have to say dear Indigo, be prepared for a long long road. I do think that your little bundle of joy will be just that to you - my two are beacons of brilliance in my very dark places. This is where i think nature has cut us a little slack - to face this without them as a focus would be unimaginable to me.

My Dad he died the day before my DS third birthday and little DS 2 was just 18 months old...but they both talk about him. And so that they will always know who he was there are plenty of photos in their room (along with loads of others of friends and family) of when he was well.

I wish I could tell you good ways to get through it - or that it gets better. But grief is such a deeply personal thing - you simply need to grieve however it manifests itself upon you you yourself. My sister, who loved our Dad no less than me is dealing with it very differently to me - for a zillion perfectly vald reasons.

For me, it helps to talk (and type!) about how I feel. I also think that anybody who feels I should be "over it by now" knows neither me nor my father and has no right to tell me how my grief should be conducted!

I just want you to know that it is ok to feel raw. I think if you grieve for 4 days thats ok, or for 40 years thats ok too. My sympathy and empathy are very much with you. I hope that your sadness in missing your Dad is coupled with fondness in recalling him in all the situations that remind you of him.

Little Pushka x

Hello, I am sorry for the loss of your Dad. I lost my Mum almost 18 months ago when I was 20 weeks pregnant with my first baby. For the last couple of months I have been seeing a Cruse counsellor because I needed an outlet for all that would build up when you are busy 'coping' with life with a new baby. I thought I'd grieved hard for Mum, and I did, but I hadn't begun to make any sense of it. I am only beginning to do that now, and have 'good' and 'bad' days.

I know some have not found counselling a help, I guess it depends on the counsellor, but mine is fantastic. She allows me to talk about and honour Mum while looking at ways I can really face life without her. One of the helpful things she explained was that sometimes people hold on to grief because they feel by letting go of it they lose the person, but what actually will happen is that your life grows bigger around the grief so it is smaller in comparison but the importance of the person remains. I waited 4 months from my initial contact with Cruse but from my experience I would highly recommend it, not a magic wand, the pain remains, but it has helped me express it.

As others have said, my son has been my saving grace, I don't know how I would have managed without his entrance.

Wishing you peace, and space to be kind to yourself.

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad, and six months is still very recent - you shouldn't feel you have to be over it. Mine was diagnosed with a brain tumour when I was about 20 weeks pregnant and died when my first baby was three months old. It was awful but because it all happened around the same time it really brought home to me the idea that there wouldn't be room for new life if nobody died - I felt that my dad had to move away to make space for new life like my son. I don't in any way want to sound as though I'm saying that you shouldn't feel sad, but I did and still do find the idea very comforting.

My Fil died of emphysema when our DS was a few weeks old. I know he hung on to see him. He was not our first born, but our only son and the only one to carry on the family name.

I must say I think we have dealt with it quite well and came to terms with it quite quickly compared to previous bereavements, as these had all been young people or babies.
We felt as he was old it was the natural way of the world.

I don't want to diminish your right to grieve but I would consider the possibility of PND interfering with that process. Although it just maybe that you have not have time to focus on it with your new baby.

Wishing you the best.

Everyone thank you so so much for taking the time to reply. I had a good cry when I was reading everyone's posts and it does help to know that I am not the only one (of course I know I am not). It is however really sad to know that we are all experiencing a loss of some kind.

Mumsnet truly is a wonderful place. I have also been advised to contact Cruse and I will do that, I feel it will probably just take time.

Why do we have to feel robbed when someone dies. I have been trying to remain positive and think that at least I had a great relationship with my Dad and that although he was not that old (64) at least I had 32 years with him that I will never forget, and that I am the person I am largely due to him being the person he was and for that I will be eternally grateful.

Thanks again to everyone

I am glad you feel helped by the replies, if you're feeling anything like me the mixture of joy with your child and sadness that your parent isn't here is a strange mix to say the least, but like you I'm grateful every day that I had the time I did with my Mum.

Wish you the very best